I feel like a burden.

[Isolde2010]

A little back story. In October I was driving home from a history tour in our town that I went to with a few of my coworkers. About halfway home I started feeling my heart race, my chest got tight, I felt like I couldn’t breathe and I thought I was having a heart attack or a stroke or something super serious like that. I’m only 25 with no health problems. I have an amazing husband, 3 beautiful Children, I love my job, I love my life, i have had an extremely rough past but I’m at a good and happy place now. However after being rushed by ambulance to the hospital I was diagnosed with a panic attack. I felt silly and I felt confused. A panic attack? I wasn’t scared or anxious why would I have a panic attack? I’d never had one before and I assumed it was a weird isolated incident. Well I was wrong because here I am almost 3 months later and they are now happening on a regular basis. I can’t drive and I constantly have a feeling like I am standing on the edge and if I lose focus for just a second the anxiety will take over and I’ll have another attack. Yesterday out of the blue I had one as I was leaving work, work had been fine and I wasn’t under any stress. But the anxiety attack still happened and it got worse and worse until I was sure it had to be something else. I couldn’t get my heartbeat under control and it didn’t stop racing until I was dosed with something at the hospital. So I was given a pill to take as needed in addition to the med I’m currently on to try to control the anxiety. As someone who won’t even take Tylenol for a headache this is all so frustrating to me. I feel like I am completely losing control of my life. I don’t know what triggers the attacks, I try all the exercises I’ve been taught to control them when they happen and they don’t work. My husband has to drive me to work and anywhere else I need to go, we used to have so little debt and now I’ve racked up medical bills. I can’t afford to put us further in debt by seeing a psychiatrist which they say is the next step and I just don’t understand what is happening to me. I just want to be normal again. I feel like a burden to my family and that I make life harder on them. I am so angry and frustrated that I just want to cry. I feel so alone and when I try to talk about my attacks I feel like people think I’m weak for just being unable to get a handle on it. My husband has been so loving and supportive but I feel like eventually he will resent me for being so weak. I don’t know what to do..... I hate this so much I just want it to stop.

[Hidden]

Here's the thing about anxiety, I've dealt with it for 29 years, sometimes there is no reason it just comes on , like alight switch! Please don't put yourself down, it's not your fault, you didn't ask for it! I was in an awful accident years ago , so I understand the not driving thing. I've got myself where I can drive however not in the winter, which we have about 3 feet of snow right now! If you need to talk I'm here for you!!!!!!!!!! XXX

[Isolde2010 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your support. The driving part is what bothers me the most because it means my husband has to drive me everywhere. I’ve never been afraid to drive and I have been driving since I was 15 but I can’t drive at night anymore without having an attack and sometimes even during the day. It’s just all so confusing to me, I just wish I knew why it was happening. I have a need to be in control and this is just so out of control, if I knew what triggered it I could control it but I don’t so I can’t and that’s the hardest part. It’s good to know I’m not alone though. What do your attacks feel like when you have them if you don’t mind me asking?

[Hidden in reply to Isolde2010]

My heart races, I shake and I sweat. I like to be in control also however when I have my anxiety attacks I have no control! It's been so long now I'm getting used to it. I also see a head Dr. and am on meds for it which helps me a lot!

[Isolde2010 in reply to Hidden]

My doctor put me on citolopram, I can’t really say that it’s working but she says it can take months to get built up enough in your system and wants me to stick with it until it has time to work. My heart races and I get sweaty, my hands start tingling and I just have this overwhelming fear that I’m going to die, that this attack isn’t anxiety but something life threatening. I try to talk myself down, sometimes I sing a song to myself, I pray, and I focus on my breathing. It feels like it doesn’t end until I take meds which I hate. I have never liked taking medication, I was around a lot of drug abusers as a child and it’s made me very uncomfortable with taking medication. So having to rely on them now to bring me out of that state just adds to the overall frustration of my situation. Has yours gotten better through the years? It’s terrifies me that this may be something I have to learn to live with.

[Hidden in reply to Isolde2010]

I take the same meds too along with an anti anxiety med 3 times a day! I don't know that it's actually gotten better or I've just accepted it or I've learned to live with it! Seeing my head Dr. helps me a lot!!!!!!!

[Isolde2010 in reply to Hidden]

They keep telling me to see a counselor to “get to the root” of the problem. But I just can’t afford it, 3 children and I just finished college, we’ve only recently established a savings account and I can’t drain it for a counselor. I live in a small town so my options are limited. That’s why I downloaded this app, just hoping for support that would make it all make more sense.

[Hidden]

It's a shame that more health insurances don't pay for our help! I'm very fortunate mine does! Of course we do pay a lot for the insurance. hahaha! I live in a small town also, I tried to find a support group, get this .. they want anywhere from 15 to 85 $ a session, ridiculous!

[Isolde2010 in reply to Hidden]

Wow that’s crazy!! I was told to pay out of pocket was gonna be $139 per session with a counselor. I am on a waiting list for a non profit organization that’s supposed to offer services at a discount but I’m 20th in line so who knows how long before it’s my turn

[Hidden]

Well I wish you the best of luck and any time you need to talk I'm here for you!!!! XXX

[Isolde2010 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you!