Hello friends...question for the ones who’ve had depression for like 248 years......when you start to feel better do you get suspicious or defensive like “wait I just wanted to die two weeks ago and now I’m laughing at things and somewhat pleasant?”
WTF! So frustrating!
I think I’ve had depression and anxiety so long that I wouldn’t give it away if someone would take it from me.
What you describe feels all too familiar.. the moments that the mind activity quiets down and I feel free from the chaos, that’s precisely when I have felt the doubts and fears start creeping up again. When depression and anxiety have been a part of me for so long that I have created an identity for myself from them. I wear the face of optimism while my heart and soul are crying out for solace. The anxiety becomes me, I don’t know who I am without it. And then one day a question, a wondering - do I need to have this identity.. what if I did not define myself by my depression.. what if I could exist without my past, my stories, my fears and doubts.. One moment where I exist without thought, absolute stillness. The world does not stop, my identity does not crumble. Another moment without thought, complete peace.. And I continue to be.. In my moment of peace comes the hope that maybe I could exist without the background of my mental chatter. In this moment I chose to be.... And keep breathing... Blessings
The uncertainty of every decision. Do I work on relationships...do I work on myself...
Do I help others...
Like milliseconds ticking to infinite...
Oh, and since you actually think like this we’re just gonna wipe your energy from you at times and make it harder even though you just worked out ate quinoa and meditated like everybody tells you....
Then some days you feel great and did nothing special and ate like shit.
thats the truth. And then you start ro feel suicidal and depressed again and you feel worse than the last time. It sucks, though. I am sorry you're feeling this way. Just do everything you can to hold onto that feeling for as long as you can.
Oh man I’m going through something similar right now. I’m feeling better compared to last year, and it’s really messing with me. Like is this really okay? What’s the catch? And then when I have bad moments I feel more like I need to justify it because I’m doing better so why am I still like this? It’s a weird limbo state where I’m glad I’m making progress but I’m also not. And I want to not be depressed but also I want to stay the way I am because it’s all I know
That’s exactly where I’m at. I’ve been in therapy so long and have worked so hard to overcome my negative thoughts about myself, and even though I can see them clearly and know where they originated I just can’t shake ‘em. I hate that it has to be so hard.
It’s been quite a while since I felt good or “not depressed” but I can totally relate to that feeling of suspiciousness when things are going well. Always waiting for the bubble to burst bc it always has.
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