Struggling.

[anxiouscat16]

Hi all, I am new here and wanted to share my struggle with anxiety and depression. I was diagnosed with anxiety at 18 when I left home for college. I was put on Citalopram and that seemed to do the trick. About a year ago, I moved downtown and had a major depressive / anxious state that lasted for a few weeks. I couldn't eat, could barely go to work, constantly was crying, and was in such a horrible state. I also had some suicidal thoughts during that time. I had also recently gone off Citalopram about 3 months prior. I went back on my medication and that seemed to help. Slowly I felt like I was coming back to myself. I also started seeing a therapist once a week which has also helped me. I struggle with anxiety almost everyday, but sometimes it is too much and I am back into these depressive states that last a week or two. Again I can't eat, can't focus, I feel so hopeless and all I want to do is cry. I am wondering if maybe after 7 years my medication has stopped working. Does anyone else go through these "states" of major depression / anxiety? I try and find triggers but I still don't even know what causes them.... Thank you.

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I feel the same way a lot. I don't take meds though, I use ganja and other herbs to treat. I don't know what causes mine they just randomly come. Going through one right now actually.

[mvillarreal]

Hi, anxiouscat16. I know exactly what you're talking about. For me, this happens during severe episodes of existential/spiritual OCD. One time, it was that combined with jet lag after coming home from a trip to Vietnam and Cambodia. Do you notice any correlation, even if seemingly coincidental, between these episodes and anything else in your life? If there is no specific trigger, I feel like it could be a symptom of something other than mere panic attacks and depression, but I couldn't tell you what, since I'm not a psychiatrist. Have you told your psychiatrist about this?

[anxiouscat16 in reply to mvillarreal]

Yes, I have a therapist that I talk to about these episodes and I have an appointment with them tonight luckily. I also have a doctor appointment tomorrow morning to review my medications. The only thing that I can see triggering is a fair amount of anxiety before certain events / life changes. The first episode happened on my birthday, my mom was in town and I just felt this horrible anxiety. Then it progressed to a severe episode (but I was off my medication at this time) after she had left. I then went stayed The second episode was after leaving my moms house a few months ago after I had spent 6 weeks there due to COVID. This last / current time occurred after leaving my moms house just after a weekend away. So I am thinking it may be triggering saying goodbye / leaving my mom or people I am close to. My mom and I are very close and she helps me through my anxiety so it is so hard to think that would be causing it. But maybe because I don't feel that safety / security from being around her. She lives about 3 hours away. However, I have visited my mom recently and she has visited me without any episodes.....which also seems odd. It is most likely a build up of different things and the change of leaving. I have always struggled saying goodbye to people. Sorry for this long reply, I am grateful there are other people that feel the same way I do!

[mvillarreal in reply to anxiouscat16]

So maybe it's a fear of change/transitions? Where do you think the depression part comes from?

[anxiouscat16 in reply to mvillarreal]

Yes I definitely think a lot of my anxiety comes from fear of leaving, change, transition, etc. My depression seems to come in when there is a build up of anxiety and is triggered by something subconsciously. These depressive states last about a week or two. This is my third one in the past year, and all have been a "reset" per say. I need to take better care of myself physically with consistent exercise and eating well. A lot of times these periods happen after I have been eating lots of processed sugar and not exercising frequently. It is definitely a build up of lots of different things..... I do need to take better care of myself.

[mvillarreal in reply to anxiouscat16]

Have you had your doctor's appointment yet. What did they say?

[anxiouscat16 in reply to mvillarreal]

Thanks for following up! Yes, she actually added Wellbutrin to my medication. She was hesitant to take me off citalopram because she thought it would make me feel worse. This is my first day on the new medication. I am actually feeling a lot better today. Obviously that’s too quick for the new medication to kick in, but I have been having some good moments with family and friends, as well as work taking my mind off things. It really goes in such waves for me....still not back to “normal” but I am glad to not be so down like I was. Thank you for all your wise words.

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Rebuild! Crash! Rebuild! Crash! Foooock!

Yes I can relate to the states dear.

On the suspicious incline right now

[anxiouscat16]

Thank you so much katydid333. That is very comforting to know that others have struggled through this and I am not alone. I am on day three of an episode, mornings are the worst. The day feels so daunting and overwhelming. Are there certain things you do to help you through these times? I feel like I rely on my mom too much, and I am trying to remember that I am the only one that can get better, it has to come from me. Thank you so much for your kind words, they are light in these very dark times.

[anxiouscat16]

Thank you katydid333. My doctor just added Wellbutrin to my Citalopram so I am hoping that will help. It is no fun being in these dark times but I know I can get through it. Remembering that I won't feel like this forever is definitely helpful, just hard to remember that when you are in a bad slump. Thanks again!