New here, struggling with productivity

[TheMicrobe]

Hi, I just joined. Was motivated to do so because I'm so frustrated with how I live. I take medication for depression, anxiety, and OCD, and I also struggle with insomnia. I function well at work, and do enjoy the company of a few friends. But when I get home I find it nearly impossible to do anything. My apartment is a mess, and sometimes dirty. My OCD makes me *very* agitated at this, but just can't seem to do much about it. I don't know what to do...

[Hidden]

Hi, do you know what the root issue is for you? For me it’s not feeling safe. You can work your way back to a manageable life. I’m in a 12 step program called codependents anonymous and make sure I exercise every other day. My faith plays a huge role in my recovery as well.

[TheMicrobe in reply to Hidden]

I've theorized about the root issue a lot. Part of me thinks it's purely chemical. I just have limited seratonin and energy, that's all, that's what depression does. But then I wonder if it's because I grew up with an OCD, controlling, clean-freak mom. I was required to clean constantly, had little to no say with how my life was run, and didn't even have my own space. My only escape was getting out of the house and working, which was something I was really good at and was liked and respected there. Maybe now I have my own space, it's mine, no one can tell me what to do with it, or even see it unless I allow it. And I put all my energy into work. I have to work a LOT, for financial reasons, and my OCD has really formed me into a workaholic. But I'm still so frustrated and overwhelmed when I get home.

Who knows, maybe it's both. It's not for lack of incentive that I don't/can't do much at home. I don't need more external motivators. Maybe I just need external help, but don't know how I'd even begin to find it.

[hb_kenzie]

I am the exact same way right now! All I want to do when I get home is watch YouTube and literally sit on the couch. Maybe we can help each other!?

[mjlitl13]

Hi and Welcome!

I also struggle with depression and I am now retired. However, when I was working, I did fine at work but struggled with organizing my home. I was lucky to have an inexpensive housekeeper so the house was clean but messy.

I would always get overwhelmed by that and still do. I would rather do volunteer stuff than take care of my stuff.

I think it has to do with not having self love.

I am working on it though.

You are NOT alone!

Keep coming back here and let us know how you're doing?

Hugs,

MJ

[TheMicrobe in reply to mjlitl13]

Thank you! Unfortunately I can't afford a housekeeper, so I'm left wondering if there's any other option for help.

And the self love thing... I need to find a balance, I don't know.

I USED to really struggle with self hatred, and kept an immaculate room/apartment because I forced myself to the very edge. I do like/love and accept myself now. Maybe there's no connection between then and now, I just struggle with everything, even brushing my teeth. No lack of perseverance, just run a little ragged.

[MsJazzy]

It's wonderful that you are able to function well at work. I wonder what is the difference between your work life and your home life. I find that the most difficult thing is often just getting started. If I take the first small step, usually a few other steps will follow. Have you considered just starting with one thing, like cleaning up one room or part of one room each day or every other day? That way it won't feel like such a huge chore. I imagine that if the rewards of getting things done outweighs the rewards of doing nothing, things might change. Sometimes, our expectations are just too great and we end up doing nothing because we set unrealistic standards. Would that be true for you?

[TheMicrobe in reply to MsJazzy]

Not sure, I think one reason is because i NEED to work, and it feels like, even when my depression is bad, it's something I'm reasonably good at. It's not only a requirement (whereas I'm the only one affected when dishes aren't done), it's a little self esteem boost. When I get home, all of that is over. All my energy is gone, and I'm just surrounded by reminders of why I'm anxious and frustrated.

[MsJazzy]

It's amazing what we can accomplish with just the right amount of motivation. It sounds like work also takes your mind off things. What are some of the reminders at home that trigger anxiety and frustration for you? I am glad your work is rewarding. Perhaps there are some changes that you can make at home to help trigger more energy and can also be rewarding for you. I'm trying to take periods of rest between doing chores around the house to re-energize myself. That was how I got through college. I would study for 45 minutes and then take a 15 minute break. I usually feel good after I accomplish my to-do list, even if I don't do everything.

[TheMicrobe]

Unfortunately I haven't found a formula or pattern to help. It's depression, sometimes it doesn't matter. I live in a very small, one room efficiency, so there's no escaping any "trigger," and it's hard to hold concentration for a long time at all. Logic doesn't always apply to a depressed and anxious mind, or I wouldn't be depressed or anxious. And habits like washing dishes right after a meal don't stick when simple things like brushing teeth and showering aren't even habits, but tasks I must make myself do every day.

My job is my only savior; pretty much the only think that motivates me.