Thought life was supposed to get better with age

[Karmasenemy]

I've been struggling with multiple mental problems since a VERY young age. Been there and done that with a lot of people, situations,drugs and alcohol. I like to think I'm a good person. I help others if I'm able to. All it does is bite me in the butt. I used to think karma was a "get what you give" concept. Its the opposite for me. I help and it hurts me. I worry all the time! To the point where I don't eat or sleep for days. A month after I finished chemotherapy my fiancee was diagnosed with acute liver failure. As I got better he got worse. 3 months later I sat and held him until he passed away. It's only been 2 months since I buried him. I never had family of my own ( story for another time). I was so happy when his kids(they were/are adults) treated me like one their own. They even occasionally called me mom. Now that he's gone his ENTIRE family turned on me faster than a pack of starving vultures.

They say and do the most hurtful things to me anymore. It feels like the whole world is hates me and see everyone as an enemy. I sit in my house 24/7 alone. No friends, no family, no hope. I spend most of my time pacing, crying and puking. I have so much built up hate and anger when someone does try to connect with me I explode. Uncontrollable swearing. Then I'll recluse and have what I call a "come apart". Cry for hours on end. Wondering what the hell I did so wrong since I was 3 years old to deserve it all. Starting to get so tired of everything that never stops in my head. I don't know what to do anymore and I know it is literally killing me. My oncologist told me the stress and anxiety is harmful. I didn't realize how true that was until I saw for myself. Lost 43 pounds in less than 2 months from it. Ain't that something?? Cancer isn't killing me, my own mind repeatedly playing my life is. Any suggestions???

[Sunflowerxxxxxx]

Sorry to hear for your loss and to hear your going through such an awful time i dont know what to say much but i wanted you to be aware that some one is here for you🙂 i would say though you definately need proffessional help although you may be getting that already

[Karmasenemy in reply to Sunflowerxxxxxx]

Can't pay the bill so no help from the mental health services around here. My Medicaid won't cover it.

[blackcat64013]

🙋‍♀️Hi, welcome to the forum. Life certainly throws us curve balls ⚾️when we least expect them and often knock us down. The way up is to find a lending hand for support.

I hope we can be one of those supporters in addition to your team health professionals.

I strongly believe that finding a therapist or reconnecting with an old one will help you with processing your grief over the loss of your fiancee and dealing with his family etc.

Your mental and physical health starts with getting quality sleep 💤 so if you need to take a tablet for a while, I would ask for a script. Some things to do before bed would include some meditation, listening to soothing music or taking a warm bath/shower.

Being kind to yourself and acknowledging you are not okay is important too. Taking some exercise will burn off the excess energy.

These tips are from my coping tool kit. Hoping there is something here useful to you.🌷

[Karmasenemy in reply to blackcat64013]

The cancer prevents me from even making to the other end of the house. Medicaid won't cover the mental health services around here. And I have to extra careful of medicine not from the oncologist. But thank you.

[Hidden]

With your particular situation, I would recommend therapy.

I’m a bit older than you and yes, the older I’ve gotten some things do get better with age, but also some things get worse with age too (I’ve got a lot less tolerance for things than I used to, could be good or bad) but in your situation with medical issues coupled with mental health issues I think acceptance that’s it’s okay to not be okay and reach for outside intervention. Sometimes there are things that are bigger than we can handle on our own and that’s okay. Mental Health practices were created just for these types of things. Wishing the best outcome for you. 🌺💜

[Karmasenemy in reply to Hidden]

I would if Medicaid covered mental health services around here. But they don't. Been through that too.

[Hidden in reply to Karmasenemy]

Do you live in the US? If so look for Federally Qualified Health Centers, these are community-based healthcare centers that are government funded. You might can try dialing 2-1-1 switchboard which is a free resource that can connect you with free or low cost mental health services. Also there is something called NAMI.

There may be free resources or low cost mental health in other countries as well. It might be good to create a thread asking the community here on HU if they have advice or options they may know about that can help you.

[Karmasenemy in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. I will give it a try.

[Perriex]

Hi there. I am so sorry for your pain.

You are very strong to still be here. Please know that.

Do you have Faith?

A belief in a higher power?

If not -- that's okay.

If so . . . maybe start there.

Reaching out here is a great thing!

This place is helping me. I hope you can find some comfort here.🙏

[Karmasenemy in reply to Perriex]

Thank you

[SunnyD4ys]

Wow you are going through some stuff. It’s a struggle enough dealing with the day to day stuff but having lost a partner and healing from cancer, that’s quite the heavy load you’re carrying. I wish our communities would make mental health a priority and offer more resources. I don’t have much advice on how you could obtain services other than trying to research free or low cost mental health services in your area. I’m shocked they don’t make that a part of the cancer treatment. I can understand the medication situation. I’m on a few for my mental wellness that make me more sensitive to other medications so maybe a more naturopathic approach. I drank a ton of chamomile tea when I was struggling with my panic disorder. It wasn’t as strong as meds but it did help calm me down a little. I also massaged my hands and my feet. I bought some simple massage tools. My scalp massager is great and not expensive. Is there a support group in your neighborhood? One would think the hospital would offer something of that sort. You have people here you can chat with so you’re not alone. This site is running 24/7 so someone is always online. You should scroll through the posts and see if you can offer up some advice or just empathy. You might find it helpful to help others. It seems you’re a helpful person by nature.

[Karmasenemy in reply to SunnyD4ys]

I am very giving. Karma hates me tough. I help one person and someone hurts me. Anything good I do wonders up harming me. And I just keep trying to help anyway.

[SunnyD4ys]

I don’t think karma hates you. We’re just tested a lot. I think you’ll find people here will appreciate your help and advice.