It was easier when everyone thought I was dying

[MyIshBangz]

At 27 years old, with two kids, a wife and a career just starting to take off, I was involved in a work related automobile accident. Long story short, I was injured really badly and unable to return to my field of employment after that. I pretty much fell into a depression after that, and fast. I stopped socializing and rarely left that house unless I absolutely had to.

I’ve always had a “sensitive” stomach, but nothing I couldn’t manage entirely on my own. Somewhere along the line, following my accident, I developed some major stomach problems. I would have diarrhea or constipation on a daily basis. I still couldn’t leave the house, but this time it was for fear that my stomach would wack out in an inappropriate or inconvenient situation. I would also get random bouts of nausea that made no sense at all either. I stopped eating much and lost a little weight. My family had a history of colon cancers. My symptoms mimicked those of my Aunt who had recently died from the disease and I was convinced that this was wrong with me. I told my wife I was afraid I was mostly likely dying and liquidated my cash assets so that I’d leave my kids money in a trust fund. I maxed out my credit cards, sold my car and retired to my room where Id convinced myself I’d get sicker and sicker until I died. Somewhere along the line my wife decided to intervene and get me medical care (I should probably mention that I can’t stand doctors offices, hospitals etc and hadn’t been to one since I was a child. Save for my accident, where I was transported by ambulance and signed myself out AO as soon as I could).

Only because I love her, and my children of course, I agreed to go to UC. I told the Doc in a box about my symptoms, the duration, as well as about my shoulder, neck and back injuries sustained the year prior. After a long scolding, the Doc sent me for an immediate full blood work up and colonoscopy. I agreed and figured it would be good to have an official diagnosis despite the fact that I was fully convinced I was dead already from cancer.

A funny thing happened in the weeks ahead. Despite feeling completely miserable and like I was knocking on deaths door, I found out conclusively that I was not dying of cancer. No, apparently I was as healthy as a horse. Even my colesterol and blood sugars were normal, despite the fact that I spent the better part of my entire adult life binging on soda, alcohol and fast food. I was lost for words and desperate for answers. Neither came easy...

Flash forward to present day. I’ve been diagnosed with IBS-A and severe anxiety disorder. I’m 31 years old. I have no friends, no Job and essentially no hobbies or life outside of my immediate family. I wake up everyday with nothing to do after my kids are dropped off at school. Most of my days are spent pacing around the living room and convincing myself that my daily stomach troubles are not the result of a more serious illness. My wife has a decent job and supports all of us but we unfortunately live in a very expensive area which puts a strain on all of us financially. Our living situation is highly stressful as were forced to share a home for cost, and the people we live with can sometimes cause even more stress. On top of that I’m constantly reminded of how much of a failure I am because I can’t provide for my family, can’t take my sons out for extracurriculars, can’t take vacations during the summer and be in social situations that most people find fun like movie theaters, theme parks, sporting events etc. my life is just one long day full of anxiousness, nervousness, worry, stomach problems, isolation, loneliness and emptiness. I’m constantly reminded that my best years are slipping away, and yet I feel like there’s nothing I can do about it.

When I thought I was dying, everything made sense. I was finally going home. I was going to meet Jesus and live an eternal life in Heaven (I’m sorry if you’re not religious, but I am so please bare with me). I had thousands of dollars set aside for my kids in trust funds. I made amends with the people I had wronged in my past, and mended fences with family members I thought I would never even speak to again. Life made sense. I got sick, I got worse, I was going to die. End of story.

But this. This IBS A. This “severe anxiety” disorder. It’s the death you only wish would come. It never does, but you keep praying one day you’ll never wake up and it’ll all be over. People look at me and say I’m selfish. How could I do that to my wife? To my kids? How could I just want to “give up” on life?? I would ask them this; If each day that goes by, you become more of burden, more of a liability and more of a disappointment, is it really selfish to wish you’d just disappear from existence. I never wanted to be a burden. Now, I’m worse than that. I’m a literal waste of space that contributes nothing but uses resources in order to sustain my miserable existence. It was easier when I thought I was going to die. Atleast I could have gone out with some pride. I could have had some respect on my name. My family would have remembered in a positive way. I would have left a legacy they could be proud of. I’m sorry if this offends anybody but until you’ve walked a mile in my shoes you’ll never know the pain I have felt. These diseases, anxiety, depression, IBS...they literally destroy your life without taking a single day away from it. It’s the worst you can feel, where you’re more content to die than to carry on one more day being as miserable and sick as you are. And the insult to injury is that your life expectancy stays exactly as it would have if you were healthy. Because you are healthy. Physically, anyway...

[hypercat54]

That's quite a story and a sad one too. Can you try and look at it this way - you are going to die one day as we all do although it won't be as quick as you thought it would be. Does it really matter that much when we go as we still leave a legacy behind? At the moment if you went you would leave behind your family who love and whether you died by illness or other means it would all be the same to them because you would be gone.

At the moment you aren't either living or dying but in a no mans world which must be incredibly upsetting for your wife and children to say nothing of yourself. You said you have a fear of doctors but is that greater than the thought of losing your wife and children? I am sure you wife will go with you but take your courage in your hands and made an appointment with your doctor and get some help. This will be meds and/or counselling.

At the moment when things are so difficult start praising yourself for doing little things instead of walking around all day feeling so negative. Praise yourself for getting out of bed for example instead of thinking how lazy you are. Nothing will change unless you make it so start doing some very small steps now. x

[MyIshBangz in reply to hypercat54]

Thanks. It’s worth noting too that I’m also a food addict. For awhile I couldn’t eat because I didn’t have much of an appetite but after I learned I wasn’t dying I did a 360 and couldn’t stop eating. I have a shit diet too but I can’t stop because it’s one of the few things that makes me feel good. It’s like if you eliminate one problem you gain another and right now my urge to over eat outweighs the pain and discomfort and anxiety I get from various “conditions”

I no longer have insurance now that I’m not working, so a doctors visit isn’t out of the question but it’s also going to be a stretch. I’m not one of those people who bitches about not having health care cuz truthfully I don’t want it! Lol. But admittedly there’s part of me that Is curious as the whether or any of this could be “cured” I’ve read somewhere that IBS and Anxiety are life long conditions, that they never “go away” This makes it even less likely that I’ll seek treatment anytime soon. What’s the point right?

I am curious to know if anybody’s anxiety is directly linked to their intestinal issues. Everything I read about anxiety is stuff about “fear of public speaking” “fear of crowded places” etc. I read it and I go “well duh, everyone’s afraid public speaking”! They seem so normal compared to me. I’ve eliminated all of that from my life by completely isolating myself and my anxiety is still worse than ever. On a daily basis I worry constantly about Norovorus, food poisoning, my instestins randomly shutting down, kidney stones, bowel obstructions and other diseases.

I also get weird and random aches, pains and discomforts that appear out of nowhere and are directly related to my intestinal behaviors. These sensations occur anywhere below the neck and above the knee and immediately trigger anxiety to where if I am in public I immediately start to plan how I can leave and get to a safe place alone to pace around. If it’s hot out I feel like I need to be air conditioned and if it’s cold out I need a hot shower to jump in to during these episodes. It has, for all intents and purposes, ruined and limited my life greatly. I just feel like I’m the only one going thru it which makes me feel even more alone because nobody can relate to me.

[hypercat54 in reply to MyIshBangz]

It sounds like you are suffering from severe anxiety although I am no doctor but a visit to a doctor is essential to get a proper diagnosis and medical treatment. You seem to have health related anxiety too which is very common. Have a look back at some of the posts on here and you will see how common anxiety is. You will also see how it can affect your mind and body too. You might also have some PTSD which following your accident is perfectly understandable.

The 'cure' is a combination of medical help and self help. It might never go away properly but you can learn to manage and deal with it.

The first thing is to realise you are not alone at all. The second is that you can be helped, the third is that you can have your life back but you need to be patient and put the work in. x

[MyIshBangz in reply to hypercat54]

You think I be able to treat it completely by myself if I find the right resources? This is going To sound like a cliche but I don’t want people around me to think I’m weak. I do a good job of hiding most of it or making excuses or just pretending I’m dumb to get out of things like working or social situations. I just want to be able to treat this on my own without anyone knowing that’s kind of why I started looking online at this type of stuff

I’m not saying anybody here is weak either but I feel like if I was a female it would easier to be more open but people have expectations of me as a man. I already feel like I failed with not working and I just don’t want people to think I’m going to be more of a burden than I already am. That’s why it felt like it would be easier if I was just dying cuz you can explain being terminally ill but this what I have is very hard to explain without sounding like I’m wacked outta my mind and losing all credibility

[hypercat54]

I think with mental illness you need to leave your male ego at home. It's you who is thinking you are weak - no one else. Did you know the biggest cause of death in the Western world for men aged between 25-40 is suicide? Now why do you think this is? I would guess it's men trying to be macho enough to deal with it on their own and preferring suicide to asking for help. Are you going to be one of those men? I hope not.

If you had diabetes for example or broke your leg would you feel weak going to the doctors? Would you refuse all treatment and pain relief because being a man means you have got to tough it out?

Being a man means being adult enough to face problems and take appropriate steps to deal with them and this includes their health. A 'weak' man is a strong man for being able to admit to a weakness and us woman think a lot more of our men if they can do this.

It is up to you if you want to do it on your own but I am wondering why you haven't been able to do it before as there is a lot of help and resources available online. Look up mindfulness, meditation, and yoga etc. There is also online counselling available which although isn't free is a lot cheaper than face to face. Good luck. x

[Michael8072]

Hi

I was diagnosed with ibs when I was 15. Alot of family stuff going on at the time. And that's how my body and mind decided to deal with it. I also went through an eating problem cause everytime I ate I felt neausus. I was having the runs alot so my parents finally took me to the hospital. They did a colonoscopy and an endoscopy. Diagnosed me with ibs. I didn't deal with it well at all. I hated life. No matter where I went I had to know where the restroom was just in case. There were times I didn't want to do things for that reason. Going to school sucked cause i had to deal with it there. My mornings were always rough. I always had to go to the bathroom around the same time each day. I still remember the times to this day! My friends in school knew and some that weren't friends found out and you know how kids can be. Some made fun. Some helped me and some stuck up for me. Regardless it was embarasing. And I had to deal with it for four years of school. I made it though.

At first they put me on meds saying I'd have to take them my whole life. Well after a little bit of taking them and some side effects we checked out the long term effects and luckily I was under 18 my parents decided to take me off meds. We went on a special diet full of alot of veggies that we put in a food processor and made into a big salad.

I'm 38 years old now. I feel alot better then when I was 15. I still have bad days. But I have good days. I still kinda look for the restrooms when I go out. Just in case. My life certainly has changed because of it. I work at food stores my whole life right now I'm a sous chef.

I just want you to know your not alone. Life can get better. It's gonna take some work. But you can do it. I still eat some food that I enjoy. Like pizza but I eat a lot veggies and a more healthy diet now. And feel a lot better then I did.

Ibs affected my life big time. Alot of things I bottled up inside and are now finally coming out. Plans I had that were crushed. It's finally come to head for me. But I'm talking about things more now and sharing plus getting help from my therapist.

We just gotta put work in but life can get better for all of us.

Sorry for the long message. But I want you to know your not alone.

[MyIshBangz in reply to Michael8072]

You’re right bro, diet is major. Occasionally if I have an attack of IBS D or a bad stomach bug, I’ll clean up my diet really well. Like ill literally eat nothing or only super healthy foods. But that Ish lasts like two or three weeks and then I’m right back to eating like pig. I’m pretty sure food controls my life in one way or another. Eating disorders run in my family, so maybe I have the opposite of one where I’m obsessed with eating really terrible foods. Well, not terrible tasting, but terrible for you. Like I can’t open a bag of cookies and eat one or two. I always eat like 15 and I can’t stop till I’m sick. It sucks but I don’t have a lot to look forward to so I think food fills that void in some way

[Michael8072 in reply to MyIshBangz]

I completely understand that. I go through phases as well. Every once in a while ill finish off a whole pint of Ben and jerry's ice cream. I stay away from ice cream usually cause it upsets my stomach. I think life is all about balance. I try to eat like 80/20 healthy vs unhealthy. It's the only joy I have right now. So I totally get it. I try my best to stay away from fried food cause they irritate me the most. But once in a while ill have something fried. The next day I make sure to eat healthier. It took me a long long time to get to enjoy the healthier foods. I struggled with it. But I didn't like how I felt and I didn't want to take meds my whole life either. I'm lucky now cause i work in a vegetarian/vegan place.

I wish you the best of luck in your journey. I hope you turn things around and start feeling better and happy. If you ever need to talk. I'm here.

[MyIshBangz in reply to Michael8072]

I’ve read your post back a couple of times and it’s really sunk in for me now as opposed to when I first replied. I think about how I would have dealt with something like this at 15. I can’t even begin to imagine. I was in and out of trouble and going thru so much and i think to myself how lucky I was at the time to be so “healthy” and how foolish I was to waste that time doing nothing but being a teenage POS. I was also extremely impressionable and starved for attention from my peers. The slightest bit of embarrassment would have driven me under. Suffice it to say, I’m surprised you came out better on the other side at 38. I was diagnosed at 29 and I barely even had the maturity to handle it then. At 15 I probably would have just killed myself. I got to ask though, what kept you going. Aside from your parents who I’m sure insisted you stay in school, what motivated you to keep pushing day to day with this terrible disease as such and young and vulnerable stage in life??

[Michael8072 in reply to MyIshBangz]

I wish I had an answer for that. But idk. I blocked alot of that time out. I know my parents were a huge help on making sure I ate better and had all the support I needed.

[Agora1]

Believe me MylshBangz, you really don't want to have a death sentence issued so that you can save face. IBS and Anxiety do go hand in hand resulting from the over sensitized nervous system of an anxious person. Sometimes we get fooled into thinking that dying is an easier way of just fading out of this life of pain and disappointments. What about the people we leave behind? What happens to that hole we leave in their lives. Think of it as having been given a second chance at life. We can learn to appreciate each day no matter what we have to struggle with. IBS is not easy. I had it at one time. I felt I lived at the GI doctor's office. I was put on anti-spasm medication to control the incredible pain at times. Every 3 months I was in his office for yet another internal colon exam (comparable to a colonoscopy) Painful to say the least but my anxiety that said something was seriously wrong took control.

After the doctor doing these tests multiple times a year, he one day literally threw a bottle of the medication to me and said, get use to it, you will be taking this the rest of your life. (I was in my 20's at the time) He said the only thing left to do to prove to me that I was suffering from the results of my anxiety, was for him to cut me from stem to stern and do an exploratory surgery. I couldn't get out of the office fast enough. I knew I had a problem but it wasn't physically caused but an emotional issue. Got home, threw the pills down the toilet and started working on my anxiety.

Too late for long story short, but I did overcome the IBS. It took some months but by working on my anxiety it decreased the bloating and spasms I was having daily. I am saying to you, this doesn't have to be a life time sentence. Things need to change in your life. Get rid of the death wish, that's not the answer. Have a purpose in life. We each have a reason to be here. Find that reason once again. We will help support you because we all have something we've been given in life that needs to be worked on. We can't give up, when we do, we stay stuck and wallow in self pity.

It took that GI doctor coming down hard on me in order for me to change. I was physically healthy like you are. Finding help with our mental illness can eliminate our symptoms and give us that second chance. My best to you.

[MyIshBangz in reply to Agora1]

Appreciate that. I try to find things in my life worth living for. My kids are obviously first and foremost, and my wife and my parents. But I’m not really good at anything. Everything I try I either get bored of or frustrated with and quit. I went to school to be a truck driver but I can’t do that anymore and truthfully I don’t know how long I would have stayed successful at that anyway. My whole life even before the accident was a string of F ups; kicked out of schools, never graduated, then I’d get jobs and get fired six months later, etc. I can’t seem to focus on anything at all, except my problems. I’m pretty sure I have ADD but at this point I’d kill for that to be my only issue (not literally). I’m pretty sure I’m depressed too but idk

[Agora1 in reply to MyIshBangz]

Hi again MylshBangz, That's not true that you aren't good at anything. It's a matter of finding something that you can get absorbed in and really have a passion for. Don't allow the past to take over your future. Many people have been successful w/o graduating. You may very well have ADD which is playing into frustration. Depression often comes along with anxiety and just plain being overwhelmed with life. I think you mentioned you don't have insurance right now but it is so important for you to see a therapist who may be able to diagnose you. Being put on the right medication if it is ADD will help you see life a little more clearly. Addressing the depression (which I think it is as well) will lift some of the baggage you are carrying around. As long as your issues are not addressed, the boredom and frustrating keep growing.

It's never too late to make positive changes in our lives. Maybe talk with the doctor who is treating your IBS. Just a thought.

[MyIshBangz in reply to Agora1]

I was never really “treated” by the doctor, only diagnosed. From what I understand there’s no treatment anyway, only management. I’ve worked hard and sacraficed since I was 17 to save what I have today. Admittedly, a lot of it wasn’t the most legitimate work, but if I had been able to keep real a job I would have. In any case, I want to make sure it’s there and continues to grow for my kids. The absolute last thing I would want to do is spend thru it searching for a cure or treatment that may or may not even work. I want to believe that I am strong enough to do this on my own, but maybe I’m fooling myself. Who knows. I appreciate the kind words. When I say I’m not good at anything, what I mean is that I don’t have passion enough in anything to “get” good at it. I see people who play an instrument or work on cars or get really good at video games and I think Damn I wish I could be like that. But every time I pick something up I immediately either get frustrated and quit or pretend I’d never started it in the first place. What worries me more than that is that I also don’t seem to have ambition for anything. I was taught from a very young age that you have to hustle to survive and you should always reach for the sky. But I’m not motivated enough to even get off the ground. I don’t care about designer label clothes or expensive jewelry or cars. I don’t want to be a millionaire or famous or known for anything really. If I could live in the same simple routine and never excel any further for the rest of my days I would be perfectly content. Whether or not this is normal idk. But I’ve always been that way and I can’t force myself to change. I’m sure I sound pretty narcissistic too because I’m always talking about myself in great detail but this is really the first time I’ve ever taken inventory in a way that wasn’t completely disingenuous or a facade for the sake of my family...

[IlanaSchutte]

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