Help What in the world is wrong with me

[Meyer_Gdmnx]

I feel terrible all the time. Tight tense constant physical and mental issues such as aches and pains stomach feeling uneasy gurgling poor sleep always on edge tends muscles just a feeling of a huge build of something awful inside of my that mainly is in the top of my back. Then there is the magical thinking. If I choose a certain team to play with on my gaming console something bad will happen this then leads to a strange feeling in my head like an electric shock. If I touch or use certain cutlery something bad will happen. if I watch a certain film or tv show something bad will happen. Contamination fears worrying that raw meat has touched certain things or certain things are contaminated with horrible germs/covid Then there’s the worrying I’m going insane and that I’m about to loose my mind. But on top of that I actually don’t feel anything at all any of the time I also feel like I don’t care if I ever get better cos there is no chance of that. Lost all comedic ability as well. Feel like I’m not interested in comedy whatsoever. Feel deep down that I’m a bad person. Broken to my core. I don’t think this is simply anxiety of ocd or depression because abs maybe I’m wrong I thought you could feel okay until something triggered your anxiety or a panic same with ocd but perhaps I’m wrong please help me what’s wrong with me?

[wendywoo66]

Hey hello

You sound like you’re struggling on a daily basis. Before I had my breakdown I felt these things you’re describing and more. You don’t mention what your life is like on a daily basis or whether you have experienced a trauma. Speak to your GP and he may be able to give you something to help with your severe anxiety. Don’t be afraid to ask for help or take medication if you need it. I was determined not to take medication because my mother had been on medication her whole life and I didn’t want to follow suit. All I can say is that was not a wise decision because I became very ill. Speak to your GP and ask for help. Good luck 😊

[Meyer_Gdmnx in reply to wendywoo66]

Hi there thank you for your reply to be honest one of my biggest fears is needing to take that sort of medication but congratulations for you being strong enough for you to take it. To answer your question my father passed away back in March of leukaemia after only a month of being ill. I’m 22 years old btw I’m not sure if that was clear. My brothers new girlfriend has stayed with us since my father passed away and whole in hospital and throughout lockdown which she repeatedly violated despite being aware of my health anxiety. to be frank I really truly dislike her I don’t Even know why she’s stayed with us what kind of person would force themselves into that situation. She’s generally disrespectful and ignorant towards me despite my multiple attempts to make the situation liveable. She walks round likes she owns the place clothes everywhere doesn’t care how uncomfortable I am at all. My brother has offered to tell her to leave but I just feel that will cause an unnecessary addition to the already poor relationship. I want her out I want to spend gone with my brother and grieve with him and support him as family that might be selfish but it’s how I feel. Thank you for your reply it really meant a lot that you took the time

[wendywoo66 in reply to Meyer_Gdmnx]

Hello

I am so sorry to hear about your dad. You have every right to want privacy in your own home so you can grieve. You are not going to allow your feelings to flow whilst in the presence of a stranger and one you dislike. Tell your brother he needs to ask her to leave it is your home and why should you be made to feel so uncomfortable. Do not feel bad this is everyone’s basic right.

[Funkyfaerie]

Hi,

I have had all the physical symptoms you speak of. ( take a look at my posts)

It all started for me with burn out because of work, not sleeping and not eating properly. I have been really bad for five years, but in the past 6 months feel at least 90% better. Only because I have had the symptoms so long, I now know they are not going to hurt me and it is just my body and mind dealing with tension and anxiety.

I also had a bit of ocd in my teens, but in the form of having to count and touch things and tidy, and like you, if I didn't do it something bad would happen. I got out of that after about three years, just by getting cross with myself and knew I was spending so much time wasting my life.

I'm not saying it's easy and coping with the ocd and physical symptoms is draining. I never got help with the ocd, I never told anyone. I have tried diazepam and some anti nausea pills to cope with my anxiety symptoms, which have helped me get along and I take less now, just when I need them. I never wanted to take antidepressants, but that was my decision, the doctor offered, but I wanted to do it on my own, I may have suffered longer I don't know, we all have to make our own decisions.

Best to go to the doctor though and have a talk, tell them everything and make a recovery plan for yourself.

Lastly and this is easier said than done, don't be afraid of your symptoms, when we are we end up with a fear of the fear of them and it makes it worse. I know how horrible they are, but as you get stronger tbay will get weaker.

I wish you all the best, and keep talking on here to people, it really helped me.

[Meyer_Gdmnx in reply to Funkyfaerie]

Thank you for your reply I just can’t see myself getting any better in all honesty I’m trying to go out more and exercise but it appears to be having little affect I mostly don’t feel like myself just generally strange weather that’s me still grieving the recent passing of my father coupled with a very stressful living situation that you can read about above. I just feel for the first time pretty hopeless which I’ve never really felt before

[Funkyfaerie in reply to Meyer_Gdmnx]

Hi Meyer,

You are very young to have lost your father, it is a very traumatic time. I lost my father last year, but I am in my 50's and he was 90, and that was terrible enough when I had had him all those years, he died of dementia which is very cruel.

I have noticed through life that when we go through stressful times, we tend to hold on with our bodies rigid, not noticing this and thinking we are coping. But really we're not coping and our bodies are taking the strain. So it makes sense that eventually we get in this this anxious state. We'll get a strange symptom that terrifies us and so we tense up again and worry, only to make the pain and scary reactions of our bodies worse. And then you feel so weird, no one around you seems to have ever had your strange symptoms, so you begin to get more scared, it's a vicious circle.

I had all this years ago as I told you, but in the last 10 years I lost my mother and two good friends, I was working full time away from home all week, my lodgings were awful, I was scared at night, so I hardly slept, I was tired, not eating properly, driving 200 miles there and back every week for ten years. I had terrible headaches and then one day out of the blue I felt so dizzy I had to hold on to a desk, then I would feel sick. Every morning my stomach churned, but the dizzy feeling scared me, I couldn't get my breath, my heart would flip, my muscles hurt. After two years I left work thinking it would all go away, but it didn't, as I still held on to the fear, and the doctors didn't know what was wrong with me, I had many tests etc.

In the end, 5 years on, as I said I began to have to live with it and know that my symptoms hadn't killed me, I still had them and dreaded them, bit gradually they have lessened, so much so now I can lead a normal ish! life. I didn't go out for over a year. I think I'll always be this type of anxious personality, but am learning to live with it, I do still have the odd bad day, but I am kind to my self and try to take it easy when I can.

You are young and I am not patronising you in any way, and I know you can't see that far ahead , but don't reach for that now. It really is one day at a time, and you will feel better eventually, even though like me, you might always have that anxiousness inside of you, it will ease. The first time I was like this I was 17, then 26 just for a short while and then years when I coped fine until about 2015.

I got all the help and tests I could and some lighter medication as I have already told you. But at the end of the day it was time and not fearing the symptoms every day.

I do hope it helps you to read that others feel in similar ways to you, don't dispair, you won't always be this bad.