Why Can’t I be NORMAL?

[Magic214]

This OCD is my own personal monster. I know I’m not “normal”, but I try very hard everyday to accept myself abnormal and all. The obsessive thoughts have taken so much control over me that I don’t know how to decipher what’s real and what’s in my head. I promise I do very well at appearing to be as normal as others in front of others. But when I’m home, I don’t want pressure or judgment. Yes! I have rituals that are time consuming. Yes! I have negative thoughts & pictures in my mind that just hurt. And I’m so aware of how all of this makes it hard for me to maintain stable relationships. I don’t think my bf will ever get it. He’s really affectionate and bc of my fear of germs, I’m not. I try. But while I’m doing rituals, I need space. He keeps hinting towards sex and placing his erection on me....& he doesn’t get how he’s making me fill up with anxiety. Idk how to live anymore.

[Ladybug9]

Are any of us normal? I know I'm not! I have intrusive thoughts, I have strange OCD habits inside my head, and I spent a better part of today rearranging things and then repeating it more than once with the same thing. A lot of OCD along with being a perfectionist and a Virgo. It can be very tiring! Don't label yourself though. Labels are for jars!

[Magic214 in reply to Ladybug9]

You’re right! Labels really hold me back sometimes. But I guess I’m trying to strive for something and use the “normal” label as my template. Yes!!! It’s soo exhausting. I’ve studied Ocd tremendously and I discovered my “obvious” ritual is definitely not where it ends and begins. My entire day is filled with rituals. So much that I almost make them seem normal. I’m nervous about this healing process because would if I fail completely because I had to change every part of my day to day.

[Ladybug9 in reply to Magic214]

You are going to be fine. I have faith in your and know you won't ever give up!!! Trust in yourself..We do.

[Laurennnnnnn]

OCD is so hard. Thankfully I only have it when I’m already pretty deep in anxiety, but I know how much it sucks.

When it comes to your boyfriend, have you told him that sometimes pushing sex makes you more anxious? I know that’s suuuuch a hard conversation. My boyfriend was the same way, and finally (after breaking down in tears lol) I told him that sometimes sex makes me more anxious if I’m already struggling. He was so understanding and actually surprised. He told me that he thought the affection would help calm me down. He genuinely didn’t know. And that talk has helped me a lot 💙

[Magic214 in reply to Laurennnnnnn]

Thanks Lauren! I know this is late. I spoke to him about it, but sometimes I feel like it goes over his head....issues with my ocd. It’s funny because society sees it as someone who cleans really well. I wish that’s all my ocd consisted of. The more I get to know myself, I see just what I’m up against. Anxiety feels like an explosion. So obsessing over my anxiety is just atomic. I’m glad your bf was able to be so understanding. These mental illnesses are hell.