Self abuse and shame (Trigger warning, potential sexual abuse?)

[FeelSoBadAboutMyself]

When i get really low + overwelmed I have a tenduncy to masterbate to self sooth me. This, in turn, leads to intense shame and paralysis. When i was a child of 9ish I was sexualy minded and had sexual experienses with an adult - i dont know witch came first.... My sexuality or what hapened with my uncle so its hard to understand if i was abused or a willing participunt or not?!? From then ive always associatud my self plesure as shameful even tho ive found it so addictive and used it to cope with pain ever since i was a child. When ive done it, i get so low that i feel i cant motivate myself without help + support from others (indirect support, i dont tell them about how masterbation triggurs me). When it happuns, i dont work or go out or do anythin. I often call in sick as I feel so wurthless inside and feel i cant be around anyone dew to feeling so shameful inside 😔. For instance, these past 3 days ive done nothing all becos I saw a woman at the pool i fought wus goodlookn and at night 3 days ago i masturbated. It set off a deep depression. I dont use pornography. I dont like it. Instead, its just my imagination that i use i.e. a good looking woman in a film i saw etc. But the resulting shame/guilt can feel so intense and powerful. The shame just leeds to a grater desire for more sexual comfort and i can feel so traped in a cycle of 'self abuse' and self loathing. Im young (23) and never had sex, but the shame of masturbating is ruining my life. I dont work, have friends, exercise or go out all becos I feel so.ashamed.😞😞😞 Do u understand? Pleese help?

[brokenlight]

I’m so sorry for your pain and suffering.

I hope this okay for me to say to you - but NO child is a willing participant when it comes to a sexual experience regarding an adult. Even if you may have felt like a willing participant in the moment. That feeling probably stems from the sick, yet effective grooming game of an abuser and the lifetime shame that follows.

I hope you can release any blame associated with this. You were a child. And your inner child is likely still very much affected.

You are worth healing and you deserve it. Do you have access to a counselor or therapist in order to help you work through this? Sexual trauma (especially when it occurs in childhood) is such a complex thing. I hope you always find the love and support you need. And if you can help it, try not to be too hard on yourself. You’ve been through so much ❤️

PS. I too have dealt with a version of this. When I was a child, 2 of my abusers were also children so I often questioned if I was somehow a willing participant or if I was a victim. And that in itself has been damaging.

[FeelSoBadAboutMyself in reply to brokenlight]

No, no therapist.

[FeelSoBadAboutMyself in reply to FeelSoBadAboutMyself]

Thank you for your kind words

[Purplesomething in reply to FeelSoBadAboutMyself]

There are great therapist. Do not give up. Therapy is really hard for me now..I had to find the one I was comfortable with. Digging those memories up is hard. But the only way to deal with the pain. Um sitting here drinking all the time..to dull the pain. It has done no good. I had horrible dreams last night. But I KNOW I HAVE TO CONFRONT THEM..OR LOSE MYSELF IN THE PAIN. I hope you are feeling better.

[Blue-eyed]

Hi. I know that this post is from a while ago. But I just found it. And I got such a weird feeling in my stomach. I’m also 23, never had sex and go through the same pattern of masturbating and then feeling horrible. I still haven’t figured out how to manage the guilt or shame