Honest Opinions On Situation Please

[Meyer_Gdmnx]

Firstly I hope you all are safe and well and also your families. Okay as many of you know my brother’s girlfriend stayed with us throughout lockdown (UK) after my father died I got zero say in her staying. At the start things were fine then one day not too long after my fathers funeral she sprayed this cleaning product of some sort and it stunk out the whole house I could smell it on the drive. I was in an admittedly awful state anyway It smelled so badly that I had to eat my dinner in my car. I then lost it (inside the car) letting off steam just shouting and cursing. She heard this got upset and drive off when she came back I apologised said I was in the wrong for reacting like that. Which I was but I think she could of been more understanding about my state of mind. Ever since then (back in March she has been ignorant and cold and in my mind frankly rude/disrespectful and not understanding) and apparently it’s due to this incident. Which I find quite irritating don’t get me wrong everyone is entitled to their feelings etc. But considering I’ve had to “let go” of the fact that despite being aware of my heath anxiety disorder she frequently broke lockdown rules through out the worst of the pandemic the fact that her clothes are everywhere I can never find mine she leaves the heating on and puts it on in the summer because she seemingly can’t be bothered to put her clothes on the line. she has just walked into a house of two people who just lost their father at 22 and has been here for 5 MONTHS and doesn’t seem to be leaving anytime soon despite her decree that when lockdown is over she’ll go. And during that 5 months she has had this incredibly disrespectful attitude despite my many attempts to reach out and solve the issue. I myself have just kept out of her way 90% of the time also which makes me feel hyper restricted in my own home. To be honest the whole situation is ridiculous and is just a way for my brother to hide from the reality of our fathers passing and I have to put up with this utterly stupid situation. Does anyone have any opinions I want to like if I’m being to harsh or what I can do differently.

Ps I understand and support how ever my brother feels he needs to deal with this awful situation but at the same time I feel as if I’ve put up with enough .

[Kat_21]

So I'm not trying to be rude, but this is my opinion.

Maybe the reason you feel so negative about her, is because of her moving in during such a tough time in your life, or because you had a negative thought about her moving in to begin with.

She was probably honestly trying to help when you got mad at her for spraying the cleaning product. She was cleaning, so that's a good sign she was trying to pull her own weight.

I have issues with my husbands family because they tend to treat me and my son differently, they always have. All because of a fight that happened years ago when me and my husband first met.

I never felt okay being around them after that. If she feels like you don't like her, why would she try to go out of her way to have something to do with you?

If you support your brother and his decision to be with her, I think what's best is to sit down together and talk about things. Explain that you were upset and in a bad mental state that day, and that you wish to wipe the slate clean (if you're willing to, obviously). But that she will have to pick up after herself to stay there, because it's only fair.

She may honest to God love your brother, and this situation could be bothering her too because she feels she isn't welcomed by you. I think communication is key here.

I hope this helps. I'm here if you need to vent.

[Meyer_Gdmnx in reply to Kat_21]

Hi thank you for your reply and insightful input it was good to get a fresh perspective on things. Although I do want to say I have apologised and explained that situation many many times even on the day I sat with and tried to assure her that she had done nothing wrong. And I have also tried to build bridges on numerous occasions by talking to her about her own anxieties etc but thank you I suppose I was never that happy about the whole thing to begin with and if I change my attitude it’ll improve

[Hidden]

I’d say your anxiety is very high, your coping strategies for dealing with difficult situations is limited. I think you have resented staying in your home and moreover extending that stay which makes for more resentment. Resentment is hard if not difficult to get over, it’s why a lot of situations will never change as people hold on to that resentment.

Do I think 1) your brother should talk to his girlfriend about leaving the thermostat alone, picking up after herself, doing her part in the home as to not look and act like a free loader and respect your home, I sure do. But your not mentioning him in your post and because you know he’s grieving in his own way, maybe your giving him a pass?

2). I think personalities just clash. Do I think a happy medium or a better solution can be found so everyone gets along? Yes.

This takes communication amongst all parties involved. This will involve having others understand your mental health which isn’t always possible even in the best of families, but it’s not to say you and your brother and his girl friend cannot try. Setting yourself up with coping strategies to deal with stress, anxiety, anger, etc in my opinion will help you brush most of this off, help you maintain composure better and stay a little less angry. I’ve lived a long time and my conclusions are no one on this earth is going to take better care of you than you. I hope you get this worked out, especially if this live in situation is going to be much longer than planned.

[Meyer_Gdmnx in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your reply also again it was very insightful input I certainly agree with the fact that because my anxiety is so high in general I become poor at coping with even the most minor inconveniences. Although I feel I have not made clear about that fact that I recognised that there was a problem between her and I and I have tried to adresss it lots and lots of times I've sat down and had words witty her and my brother on many many occasions I have attempted to get better communication with them both but it has been to no avail

[Meyer_Gdmnx]

Hi thank you for both of your help replies to answer your question no I was never consulted on whether or not I wanted it to happen or anything like that. I was also not consulted when she bought a rabbit into the house that she then decided she did t have time to take care of. I understand lockdown happened fairly suddenly and with my brother and I going up to the hospital every night for my dad we weren’t really plugged in to the early months of the pandemic so maybe couldn’t plan as well as we could have but still