Accepting that I’m just not “normal”

One of the most shaming and scary things about my situation right now is accepting that I’m not “normal.” A couple of months ago, I was a (supposedly) normal woman with a good job, supporting myself in my own apartment, and working towards reconciliation with my long-term partner. I lost my job a little over a month ago, and now I’m frantic and scared much of the time.

I need a job; I know that. I apply for everything I see that looks even remotely like something I’ve done before. I’ve had 4 interviews and no offer yet.

I have an opportunity to move back in with my partner, continue improving our relationship, and look for a job in his town. I think this is the best course of action. I was working towards a better relationship with him for months before losing my job, so this isn’t as sudden as it might seem.

I suspect my father will not like this, so I’m planning to do it first and then tell him. I’m 55 years old, but I still fear my father’s disapproval. My mother died last year and I think my father wants me to move to the town where he lives, look for a job there, and then live out my life there. But my father lives a long way away (in a state that I happen to dislike.) If I moved there, I’d be leaving behind all my friends and activities in my current state (where I’ve lived all my life.) And, I might not ever see my partner again. My whole life would be uprooted.

I tried to tell my best friend about this yesterday on the phone, and she does not understand at all. I think she’s not even trying to understand. She thinks I should be more like her - strong, independent, unafraid.

I need to call my doctor tomorrow. I think I’ve had GAD all my life - I see patterns and symptoms in my past. This job loss situation (and dealing with my father and my best friend) is making things 100x worse.

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I think most of what you are feeling has to do with losing your job and being out of work for a bit. Most of us, whether we realize it or not, derive a certadn amount of our self worth from the job we have. When we lose that job, we lose that sense of accomplishment, and self worth we derived from our job, which leads to reduced self confidence and ultimately increased anxiety. I wouldn't worry to much about your fathers approval, you're an adult and entitled to make decisions you think are best for yourself. I'm betting your anxiety will be markedly reduced when you find another job. Transition is always stressful, just try to roll with it and know that it will all work out, it's just a matter of time. Good luck and be well.

What is 'normal'? There is no such thing really as there are many people suffering in this world. Some have jobs they love and loving families but many don't. Others might have one or two of these. You do have an ex partner who you seem to love so that's pretty normal isn't it? You will get a job again so just keep persevering. Maybe you are over qualified for some of the jobs you are going for and employers are worried you will leave soon?

Don't worry about what's normal for others, only what's normal for you. x

But you are normal, Kat63, anxiety disorder is a perfectly normal reaction to stress overload.

Losing one's job is always traumatic, specially as anxiety disorder exaggerates our fears, but there's no reason for you not to find another job. I've never yet known someone to lose their job and not end up with a better one - including me when I was 58.

Maybe your dad wants you to move nearer to him so he has someone to look after him in his later years? I think you should put yourself and your relationship with your partner first. In time your dad could move nearer to you if he needs some filial care.

You have decisions to make and only you can make them but make sure what you decide puts your interests first - and never forget you are normal.

Hi kat63 I know it's hard to deal with anxiety but you should think about your dad too. Looks like he needs help and company you should include him in your plans like making him move near you.

Good luck

He won’t move near me - he moved out of state in the first place to be near my brother and my brother’s kids. I would like to see nobody in my family “making” anybody move anywhere. What I would like to see is all of us living where we want to live, and respecting each other’s decisions about that - and visiting each other.

Thank you!

If at your age your still seeking your dad's approval and having to hide things, you more than likely do have anxiety, do what's best for you

I know. I’m ashamed that at my age, I still worry so much about what other people think (especially people like my dad and my best friend.)

Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, no matter what age you are. You care and are a good person, which makes you worry about what people think. Maybe you should tell your best friend that you have this condition which makes you more sensitive. In the end, you are alive for you, not for anyone else, and it should be you first then other people you love and care about. If they really do care and love you they will support you and accept what you want to do, which I'm sure they will. Be kind to yourself.

I used fingerless like that, but my mum knows now that there's nothing I can do about not, she has seen me when I'm well and has seen me when I'm ill. She knows that Am try my hardest, I think it took for me to stay with her for a while, for her to see that I try my hardest. That's all we can do

Hi Kat. It looks like you could use some encouragement. I sense you're facing a couple of really tough decisions as both could be life-altering. When the pressure heats up and we're feeling somewhat anxious, it can be difficult to make choices. Those closest to us can point us in the right direction and be objective lots of the time, but they can't always offer the answers we need. The final decision is ultimately up to us, and in the end we are the ones who have to live with the consequences of our decisions, whether they serve us well or are not.

Plus, if you ever find yourself struggling with setting boundaries even with friends or family or just saying no to people in your life, don't feel bad. It's something many of us have had difficulty with at times. There's a book that addresses the issue of boundaries very well and I'll drop the link here -- bit.ly/2C5IFj1.

Btw, my friend, I think you're totally normal and also very in touch with your feelings. This difficulty you're going through right now will hopefully be over soon. Keep us posted. In the meantime, I'll be praying for both your employment and living situation as well as for a reduction in your anxiety and guidance in all areas. Blessings to you!

It’s a positive thing to recognize that you might have GAD because now you are aware of it and can work on it. I know that sounds like a burden right now but we didn’t choose to have this happen to us but we are strong and can fight through it! Along with talking to your doc try to get therapy as well. I find it helps to have support that is unbiased because family and friends can be that way. ❤️ I hope you find a good job soon and feel better