One of the most shaming and scary things about my situation right now is accepting that I’m not “normal.” A couple of months ago, I was a (supposedly) normal woman with a good job, supporting myself in my own apartment, and working towards reconciliation with my long-term partner. I lost my job a little over a month ago, and now I’m frantic and scared much of the time.
I need a job; I know that. I apply for everything I see that looks even remotely like something I’ve done before. I’ve had 4 interviews and no offer yet.
I have an opportunity to move back in with my partner, continue improving our relationship, and look for a job in his town. I think this is the best course of action. I was working towards a better relationship with him for months before losing my job, so this isn’t as sudden as it might seem.
I suspect my father will not like this, so I’m planning to do it first and then tell him. I’m 55 years old, but I still fear my father’s disapproval. My mother died last year and I think my father wants me to move to the town where he lives, look for a job there, and then live out my life there. But my father lives a long way away (in a state that I happen to dislike.) If I moved there, I’d be leaving behind all my friends and activities in my current state (where I’ve lived all my life.) And, I might not ever see my partner again. My whole life would be uprooted.
I tried to tell my best friend about this yesterday on the phone, and she does not understand at all. I think she’s not even trying to understand. She thinks I should be more like her - strong, independent, unafraid.
I need to call my doctor tomorrow. I think I’ve had GAD all my life - I see patterns and symptoms in my past. This job loss situation (and dealing with my father and my best friend) is making things 100x worse.