I’m currently 23 years old, and I am just now finding out my father is not my biological father. I have not done a DNA test yet (which I know you’re probably wondering how I know for sure then) but I noticed it with bloodtypes and realized mine is not compatible with my dads. I confirmed with 3 doctors that it is impossible for me to be my fathers child with my bloodtype. I then went to my mom to ask questions about it, but she denied all of it and acted like I was crazy and making things up. I haven’t been able to eat or sleep for a week, and I just don’t know how to bounce back from this one. I’m ordering a DNA test to confirm my “craziness.” I have been down before, but never like this. It scares me. In the meantime, how do I deal and cope with this? If anyone has been in a similar situation, please reach out to help me figure out how to cope. I’m having a really hard time getting through this. Also if you have any suggestions as far as dealing with my mom after I confirm the DNA test, please feel free to give advice on that as well. I’m not sure how to reapproach the situation to her while I have proof. Thank you!
What to do: I’m currently 23 years old... - Anxiety and Depre...
What to do
Hi Confused, that sounds awful and I can’t being to imagine what you’re feeling right now.
Your post has stirred up a number of different emotions in me, but I suppose the main thing I want to get over to you is that someone’s real dad (ie the one who raised you) isn’t always the same person as their biological dad. I was adopted in the mid-1960s at three-months old and never knew my biological parents. So the first thing I’d say is try not to focus too much on the whole biology of it. Your real dad - ie the dad you know and love - is the one who matters.
However, I know that’s easy for me to say. I was brought up knowing I was adopted, so I’ve never had to deal with the notion of deceit. I also haven’t had to deal with the raw surprise you’re coping with right now. But I just want you to know that, once this has sunk in properly (and that may take a long time, years perhaps), you’ll realise that the man who raised you is your real dad and you’ll be at peace with that.
I know it’s not possible for me to be inside your head and I’m not therefore going to pretend I know what you’re thinking. However, if It was me in your shoes, my main issue would be the fact that this has been kept from me in the first place and, secondly, it is now being denied. Assuming that there’s no way the science is wrong (and it most probably won’t be), your mother absolutely owes it to you to tell you the truth. This has probably come to her out of the blue in that she wasn’t expecting it to be raised at this time, and she wasn’t therefore prepared. Her first reaction may understandably have been knee-jerk. However, she needs to act fairly and responsibly towards you now. The problem is how you achieve this.
Is there anyone else in the family you can talk to? Or are there any support groups where you might be able to chat face-to-face with others who have dealt with the same sort of thing?
The other factor you’ll need to bear in mind is that your dad may be blissfully unaware that he’s not your biological father. You can imagine the potential fall-out from this. Nonetheless, this is not your concern just now; your concern is to find a way to get your mother to open up about this and, if she won’t do this, then you’re going to need someone to talk to so that you can get your head around it.
I truly hope things work out for you (and your dad).
Thank you so much for your response. Both sides of my family are very gossipy people. So family wise, I can’t really reach out to anyone. I’ve joined a support group to try and see if it’ll help out with how I’m feeling. I’m just waiting to get approval from the administrators who created the group.
My dad will always be my dad. He will be the man that gives me away at my wedding, while walking me down the aisle. I just cannot come to grips with feeling like a whole chunk of me is missing. Reevaluating my life day by day. Thinking back on when I felt different from my brother and sister constantly! Now it all makes sense.
The worst part about all of this is that I wasn’t even looking into my dad not being my biological dad. I came across compatible bloodtypes, and had realized that I was not the correct bloodtype that my mom and dad should make. If I never saw that chart, I truly believe I would have never found out.
I just want my mom to own up to it. Regardless of if my dad knows about it or not. I came to her respectfully and asked her about it. She then stated that she knew I was going to ask her about this. If it’s not true, how would that even cross her mind? She should’ve been in shock, or confused as to why I was asking her about this situation.
I have a son now that’s about to be 4 months old. Not knowing my fathers full genetics could put me, and possibly my son in danger for future medical reasons. Who knows! My biological father could have heart problems. That would be a blind side to me because my “dad” does not. It’s such a scary, heart wrenching thing to constantly think about.
Again, thank you so much for your helpful response! It’s greatly appreciated ❤️
I’m really heartened to hear what you say about your dad always being your dad, walking you down the aisle, etc.
I completely understand the medical history side of things. I’ve always had to say “unknown” and there have indeed been many times I’ve wondered if I’m predisposed to anything in my biological family history. At one point, I thought about having all manner of tests done but, having spoken with my doctor about it years ago, it became apparent that I’d never be satisfied and would always want to look into something else - eg, I may not be predisposed to breast cancer but I’d then wonder about other cancers; tests may suggest no coronary issues so I’d then wonder about liver function, etc. Of course, it’s another ball game when you’re thinking of your child and what may be lurking in his genetic make-up........ I never had kids, so have only ever had to worry about myself.
I know you may not believe me just now, but you’ll just become accustomed to not knowing about family medical history and it’ll be less of an issue. One word of advice, though, always make it clear that you don’t know when being asked questions by a medical person as you don’t want them to rule things out because there’s no family history. The truth is you don’t know.
I think it’s good that you’re joining a support group - it would maybe be really helpful if you could talk face-to-face. Is it also an option to speak to your doctor? I think you’re in the US and I’m not sure how the system works over there, but here in the UK this is something that a family doctor would pick up and make appropriate referrals and follow-ups would be free under the NHS.......... would your insurance cover this? Perhaps some professional help initially would set you on the road to dealing with this? You might also be able to talk to your family doctor about your concerns re your son.
I hope things work out for you.
How do you know that you don't have your Mom's blood type?
Do you think you were adopted?
When your Mom ' stated that she knew you were going to ask her about this " what was said next? Anything? If not, then I would calmly ask her what she meant , ask her to explain. Let her answer.
I have tried to reassure myself with this question over and over again...so much that I called 3 doctors and got the same answer each time.
I have a different bloodtype than both of my parents. It’s also based off of the fathers genetics. Recessive genes. When I spoke to the doctor, she showed me a chart of each bloodtypes, and which ones make the bloodtype I have. Since my dad has a very specific, rare bloodtype, all of the doctors said that I could either be A or B. I’m neither. They were actually the ones encouraging me to do a DNA test.
Hi again.
You asked - What to do
I would strongly suggest you speak to your Mom again.
What happened next when she made that statement that " She knew . . . ." or were you too shocked at her reply to continue the conversation?
I would urge you to take that conversation up with her again.
Start by asking her why she knew - and why she has kept something so huge from you for such a long time.
Try to get a private conversation with her in a quiet place as soon as possible.
Why wait for a costly DLA test?
Ask her now. Prepare yourself beforehand to calmly listen. She's left it so long ,
God Bless.
I think this is such good advice. I can’t imagine why she has never broached the subject with you and has instead waited until you “found something out”. But this isn’t the main point and can be addressed in time if this is something you want to do. From your initial post, it seems that you just want to know the facts of the matter, and Mary’s suggestion to speak with her quietly when no one else is there could be a good start.
How did the DNA test go? So sorry you have to deal with this. It is a tough situation.
You never mentioned what blood type your parents have or of your blood type. You did mention your dad has a rare blood type. I did a wee bit if research, but without knowing all the blood types hard to come up with a conclusion. But, from what I did find, it is possible to have a different blood type from your parents. It depends on the dominant blood type.
I know for alot of people being blood related is important. Has he been good to you? If he's not you're biological dad, so then will you go looking for your biological dad? Be ready for rejection there? My cousin just found out who her real dad is, unfortunately he died a few years ago. Did get rejected by his daughters, eventually got better. Now I'm got a match from a first cousin who's looking for his dad, I've been told to thread lightly that there might be some push back? As far as your mom is concerned, you might have to seek therapy with her seeing that she is in denial. If she won't go? Then go by yourself. Good luck with this journey
Hello RubyKitty,
So you stumbled across something that made you wonder about WHO you are? First of all, please don't feel frightened or mad towards your mother. I am sure she did whatever she thought was BEST for you as an unborn child, and you don't know her circumstances at that time in her life. Secondly, the man who RAISED you, IS your father...the other guy was at best a sperm donor, so please don't get the two of them confused in anyway. Go ahead and get the DNA testing done. IF it DOES indeed make it completely impossible for your father to be both your dad AND sperm donor, THEN you need to take a few things into account here. Number one...do you think your father could possibly know about this? Would leaking this information break up your parents marriage? I would only begin by talking privately to your mother, and please, whatever you do, TRY not to hold anything against her, and please try to put yourself in her place. Good luck!!
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