feeling numb

[maddiey]

do you ever feel like you want to cry but you don’t feel sad? like you do feel sad but you’re just so used to it so it just feels like nothing. i’m at the beach with my family right now and i just feel so alone and it’s not because of them it’s just how i always feel. i’m afraid that sad is just my natural feeling now and i have to work to feel happy. every laugh every smile every time where i should feel happy just feels fake. nothing feels normal anymore and all i want is to feel normal and have fun. i miss when i wasn’t like this but i can’t find my way back

[Rudolph26]

I get you completely. I feel like this most days and I kinda hate it. Like you I look back at my younger years and remember me being genuinely happy a lot of the time. Which is like night and day in contrast to now. I know that drawing, or writing typically helps me move past those feelings. Or taking the risk of opening up to a friend. However, the friend thing didn’t always pan out. Sometimes it did more damage. Other times, I was so grateful I took the risk. I always felt that times like this made me feel still. Like the fog in the morning, it’s just there. Everything in my mind feels a little clouded and nothing feels like it is moving forward or moving at all. But you know, I later came to relish in the stillness. It gave me the opportunity to evaluate myself and observe others. Sometimes being in these moments of “stillness” can be therapeutic. It just depends on how you view it sometimes.

[maddiey in reply to Rudolph26]

thank you for your reply i totally get your fog analogy like you can’t change the feeing all you can do is wait it out until it goes away and sometimes you go the whole day without it going away and there’s nothing you can do. i recently left a really toxic friend group and now i feel like i have no one because the “leader” of the friend group was my first friend when i moved here. he was controlling in a way that i didn’t even realize he was doing it but as i grew to see it i started standing up to it when no one else was. one of his things he did was he made everyone else seem like they were less then us since we were the “popular” group. i had been friend with him, living in that mindset for years since i was 5 years old and i didn’t realize that we’re all the same until last summer and now that i left that group and am being shunned by all of them i feel like i have no one and now i’m going into high school with basically no social skills because he always i traduces me to people and made friends for me so i have no idea what i’m doing and i’m really scared

[Rudolph26 in reply to maddiey]

I’m sorry you went through that. I have been in emotionally abusive situations many times. Especially in relationships. Starting from scratch is no easy task but it isn’t impossible either. I’m kinda in the same boat. I had to change my atmosphere and my crowed in general. Now I’m trying to reset my morals, (or establish them better) and it’s tough. It does feel lonely sometimes because everything feels different. But you know, it’s a good kind of different. Because I know it was the right choice. I know it’s scary and I know it may feel isolated for the time being but it does get better. Since me changing my life around I have found some good people who have a similar mindset to me. It will take time and some trial and error but you will end up attracted the type of people who share your core values. I encourage you not to back down on your stance, unless it is something that contributes to your choices in a healthy manner. Popularity only lasts for so long and social groups are sometimes just a flaky. But when you meet true friends, I promise you, they will always be in your life. Not because you entertained them or agreed with them once, but because they genuinely want to be in your life for simply you being you. Be genuine and you will meet genuine. Be genuine and even flaky people will consider changing and become genuine as well:

[maddiey in reply to Rudolph26]

i’ve known these people for so long and i know they’re not bad people but they act so badly towards each other and other people and i know they’re not emotionally mature yet because we’re just starting our teenage years but they should know to just be kind to people and from that good things will come but they don’t and they act and think they’re so much better they’re every one else. they look down on anyone who’s not them. but sometimes i guess you have to take the path less traveled on, right? i know it won’t be easy but i really wish i had a guide or something haha

[Rudolph26 in reply to maddiey]

Lol, I getcha. And yes, absolutely. The path less traveled isn’t easy for sure but it is definitely worth it in the long run. I doubt they are bad people, but this might turn out to be a wake up call for them. I doubt that they haven’t thought about why you called their attitudes out. But it likely will take a long time for them to acknowledge the reasoning behind it as well. As for a guide, I kinda wish I had a life gps as well. Would definitely come in handy. But I think your heading in the right direction and that’s a good start.

[Ladybug9]

I have a question for you. Do you take anti-depressants? When my mom was on Prozac she was incapable of crying. The only time she could was when she would stop taking them. I cry over everything so I have just the opposite problem.

[maddiey in reply to Ladybug9]

no i don’t take any medication my parents refuse to bring me to a doctor or a therapist. my dad’s parents were immigrants from China so they don’t really “believe” in medication for that kind of thing they think you just work through your tough times like they did. they forced that perspectives my dad and now on me.

[Ladybug9 in reply to maddiey]

Well if it helps any, for many, such as myself, my Psychiatrist tried every conceivable medication on the market to no avail. Medication is not for all of us. But thank God for support groups such as this. I'm glad you are here to share with us. I'm brand new so I'm still learning my way around. I love to try and help others so I'm here if and when you want to talk!

[maddiey in reply to Ladybug9]

thank you i might have to take you up on that