Nihilism

[pandaeyes1]

I’m so tired. Emotionally, physically, and everything else... I should be grateful and happy that I’m feeling less depressed, but I’m ... not? I switch between feeling like I’m missing something important and feeling like this is an improvement. My emotions are scattering and swaying all over the place, which is both so annoying and exhausting. I woke up feeling pretty okay a few days ago and was kind of hopeful that it was going to be a better day. But then by the time I got to work, I suddenly felt incredibly depressed. And I was simultaneously frustrated by it but also kind of relieved?? I don’t know. It sounds bad, but a lot of the time recently I feel like if I’m not feeling actively suicidal or self harming, I’m not that depressed. And I almost feel like I need to “justify” it; otherwise, I should just be ... chugging along. And not be wishy washy and unproductive and selfish. Does anyone feel like this? And is this a limbo zone towards better times?

[Hidden]

So sorry you are going through this. But this is totally how I feel on a daily basic. Like I'm on a ferris wheel and it just keeps going. Like whats todays mood feelings. Yeah I totally understand when you say about the "not that depressed" comment. I feel like I've not had a bad thought in a while maybe I'm not depressed after all. Like I totally agree with the have to justify to myself that I do have a illness. You are doing amazing being able to go to work you are so strong / stronger than me.

[pandaeyes1 in reply to Hidden]

Yeah. I feel like i have some sort of split personality or something the way I want contradicting things and not really knowing what I want or what will be helpful. Sometimes I feel like feeling super depressed is “easier” because at least that conflicting feelings are less and my brain can at least agree a little more.

[Ladybug9]

Wishing away depression doesn't work. There is always a reason behind it, the hard part is figuring out what that is. For me, I have clinical, environmental and SAD depression. And I'm also bi-polar. I rely on my Therapist who helps me to see things I'm overlooking or seeing things in a different way. He has been a Godsend! Do you have someone to talk to that understands what you are going through? And one more thing that's important to mention... You should NEVER have to feel that what you are feeling has to be "justified" . What you feel is real... Period

[pandaeyes1 in reply to Ladybug9]

I have a therapist who I talk to. Kinda helps. Switching psychiatrists still. Sometimes I have an idea of what makes the feelings worse. But a lot of times there’s just this inherent feeling of worthlessness that I don’t know how to change? It’s so engrained into my whole being. I just can’t fathom a me without it.

[Laurennnnnnn]

I’ve never been able to put how I feel into words, but you described this perfectly. I get like that so often and it’s awful. I hope you’re able to feel better soon, I know how hard it is and wish I had advice

[pandaeyes1 in reply to Laurennnnnnn]

I’m so sorry that you feel this way as well. It’s such a frustrating and lonesome experience. But I’m glad I found this platform. Makes me feel a little less alone.