Long road ahead

[ScarlettOwl]

Today has been a little easier to get through. It's still a struggle knowing when I go back home I have to rebuild what i have done. I had a major melt down about three weeks ago and took it out on my boyfriend. We had been fighting for over a week but I was so sick of feeling like I was being ignored. I lashed out calling him names, trying to destroy his things and shoving him off me. We then were apart for a week and we had a talk about the things we needed. He cannot trust me right now which I dont blame him. I then tried to move back in but it was too much for me to handle. I was expecting the process to go faster than it was. I was also under an extreme amount of stress and felt I had no one to turn too. He had no sympathy for me because he is so hurt by my actions. On monday I had to leave again. It had been 5 days since I was able to eat anything and the stress was taking it's toll on me. We are taking a longer break so I can find myself again. I got too lost in codependency with him. I do not want that. I want to be able to do my thing with friends or family and him do the same. I want to build a healthier relationship with him. I know when I eventually go home he is still going to be hurt until he can trust that I won't melt down like that again. He told me to take the time I needed and he wasn't going anywhere. I know he loves me unconditionally and I want to be able to provide that for him too. Its been so hard coming to terms with what I did and being able to forgive myself. I am really thankful to this community who just gets it and I don't have to explain in much detail about what I am experiencing.

[Teal33]

It sounds like your boyfriend is great as he isn’t rushing you and is willing to wait for you. You are so lucky! It will take some time to repair your relationship back to what it was, but just remember baby steps. Rome wasn’t built in a day. You sound like you are strong and independent. That’s just what you should be! I wish you all the best and I’m sending positive thoughts your way.

[ScarlettOwl in reply to Teal33]

He really is a great guy! I am so grateful for this second chance. I just need to get out of my own head and stop thinking he wants to leave me or be with someone else. My last relationship ruined my self esteem and I haven't really delt with those emotions. I need to trust him because he has never given me a reason to think he is cheating. I really do love him and wish to marry him. He is the only person who I have really seen spending the rest of my life with. Now it's my turn to support and comfort him. He has given so much and all I have done is take. I don't want to beat myself up anymore. I want to be kinder to myself so I can be kinder in my relationships.

[thepassionateflower]

i was in your shoes a little while ago with my now ex-boyfriend. i had many breakdowns right in front of him and he continued to be my rock, no matter how ugly they got. it’s very tough to see the person you love have to go through something like that so i’m sure he will come around 🤍