The cycle

[rlb83]

It’s scary to think about breaking the cycle. I think about how past relationships have molded me into a woman lacking self esteem, confidence and the will to stand up and fight for myself. It’s so much easier to sweep problems under the rug. Then I don’t have to dig deep into why I have these problems. I have always chalked my mental health issues to family genetics. Again, it’s been so much easier to blame a family history of mental health issues. It’s a chemical imbalance- here’s some meds. Or I could have been a witness to it my whole life. Maybe it’s a combination.

My mother is perfect in my eyes- beautiful, intelligent, caring, honest, funny, well liked. She is my person in this life. My father grew up in an abusive household. I remember when I wanted to go on an expensive school trip in high school. My dad said the only reason I’m going is because his mother would never let him and he’s going to break the cycle.

Just last year in therapy, at the age of 36, I scratched the surface of some issues I had with my father and opened a wound. From the outside world my dad seemed to have it all- a beautiful wife, 2 great kids, a career in which he was respected, a home he worked hard for, hobbies, friends. Then what was it about us, or his life that made him need to escape? Where was he escaping to? Why did I have to figure out in grammar school what drugs were because of him? I’d find him retreating to his office. I’d put my ear up to the door to hear the “sniffs”. I’d snoop around when he wasn’t home to find the paraphernalia. Why does he smoke weed every day? Why did my mother and brother have to go pick him up from jail because he got caught drinking and driving. He knew I was aware of all of this. It just never got talked about. And it seemed my mother did nothing try to stop it. I don’t know what my transpired between my parents, all I know is that it doesn’t stop. So it made me believe if he could get away with everything then so could I. It made me have this arrogance that I could get away with being reckless as a teenager and adult. It’s almost like a chase- what could I get away with today.

I’m not him. I’m not my father. I’m a wife and a mother, and they need and rely on me. I haven’t always been there for them, especially my husband. I need to be there for myself more too. I have been selfish and naive thinking if I just sweep some of my problems under the rug they’ll go away. I hate the cycle. I have my own cycle I’m stuck in. I’m so sick of it. I have this fantasy of confronting my father and asking him a life time of questions. Maybe one day, but I think some things need to happen in my own life with healing first. I have such a long journey ahead of me.

[Bear2393]

I like this post. I started to self reflect on how I can break the cycle in my life. It’s a great way to put it. I want to break the cycle in my life so I can do better for my kiddo. For me to break the cycle with my family I have to heal myself first. I have to vow to do that for my life and my kid.

[rlb83 in reply to Bear2393]

It’s so difficult to break the cycle and bad patterns. But once you realize it’s there how could we not stop it? We all want a better life for our kids, even my father did. I am aware my daughter may have mental health issues and I don’t want her to be ashamed of them. Thanks for the reply.

[rr9593]

Wow, I just discovered this website/forum and your post was the first one I read after typing my bio, mentioning that I have always just buried my problems with "being busy". I think you should give yourself a lot of credit for realizing so much about your life and yourself. I, too, have a lifetime of questions for my father. I think you're on the right track by focusing on yourself for once Everything else will fall into place!

[rlb83 in reply to rr9593]

Thanks for your reply. It means a lot

[Kat_21]

Thank you for opening up on here. You are such a strong person.

I have a lot of resentment towards my mom. Why does she choose men over us? Why does she have to put me down all the time? Is it my fault?

But you're right, breaking the cycle is so difficult, but just like you, I have a son who depends on me. I will never let him sit and ask the same questions I have to.

[rlb83 in reply to Kat_21]

Thank you. I have never considered myself strong. I crumble and become a little child when confronted with problems. I always knew how we’re raised and our environment shaped us. Looking back I always started with saying I had a great childhood, because I did. I have great memories of vacations, and I had/have a good relationship with my parents. They support me in any way they can. But that’s all on the surface. Deep, deep down these questions hurt. It seems continuing the cycle is the ultimate selfish act and I would do anything to not be like my father. Can you imagine our children on a forum like this one day asking similar questions? Good luck!

[All_alone]

I to have sweep relationship issues under the rug when my husband was alive. I got to the point of just not caring, a lot of anger and resentment. Three years later I'm still angry with some old but also new things. Yes, I need to address mine. Its not easy but journaling helps.

[rlb83 in reply to All_alone]

Nice to hear from you again All_alone. It seems we have some things in common! With journaling, it comes and goes. Right now it’s helping to visualize my thoughts.

[All_alone in reply to rlb83]

I agree and posting here also helps me at times.