What’s the point?: Before COVID... - Anxiety and Depre...

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What’s the point?

weegmack
weegmack

Before COVID, everything was going wrong in my life. I’d didn’t think it could get any worse. Now, it’s a disaster. Everything is awful. I don’t want to live anymore and I am genuinely wondering if there is any point in fighting how I feel and should just end it for good.

Lots of people are on here posting that this is a punishment from God and we’re all going to die. I’m so frightened and I’d rather be in control of when I die than leave it to a God I don’t want to believe in anymore.

It feels as though there is no hope. No end in sight and maybe it’s just best to die anyway.

Yesterday, I totally broke down and told my husband how bad I was feeling. I told him I couldn’t go on and was feeling suicidal. He didn’t say much. I managed to get up and get dressed this morning, but got some more difficult news and I just lost it. I couldn’t cope with the information and with the uncertainty of what’s ahead.

His response was awful. And before any of you say he must be under pressure too, please know that in our 22 years of marriage, he has repeatedly let me down when it comes to mental health and he knows it and admits it. He’s been violent with me twice when he’s lost his temper with me. He’s basically just told me he’s sick of me and can’t stand me. And that I’ve to leave and take my negativity with me. I’m only 4’11” and he is 6’4”, so he’s intimidating. He shouted at me to get out and leave and never come back. Problem is, here in Scotland, we’re only in week 2 of a 3 week lockdown, so I can’t leave. And when the time comes that we can start going places again (if that ever comes), I’ll still have nowhere to go. My mother is not supportive and will just send me back and I have no job or money of my own.

So this is why suicide feels like my only option right now. I have a breast lump too, which is to be checked at the breast clinic....if I’m ever allowed an appointment. Maybe my life is going to end anyway.

26 Replies
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Pretty much, the same thing happened to me. After a week of sheltering in place, the partner I've had for a year and a half told me told me to leave after I leveled with her how I felt, honestly, depressed. Don't care if I live or die. I stood up for myself. I confronted her. I felt devalued, disregarded, or outright ignored. I said why I felt that way. I gave her some of my history. The response was that I was having a self pity party. Then she decided to "tough love" me and told me to leave. I have 2 underlying medical conditions waiting for treatment until this is over. I screwed myself. Made some poor choices in life. I too would rather die, but I have a giant pet tortoise I need to find someone to car for when I die. If I had that person now, I would intentionally go out and get sick. I'm in a high risk group.

weegmack
weegmack in reply to 1turtle1

Hey. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. She sounds like a right piece of work and you’re better off without her.

Do you have access to mental health care? ♥️

My husband and I have just had the most enormous argument. He just doesn’t get it. It’s like he has a switch in his brain that makes him forget everything from the day before. I hate him. I hate him more than I can say. He makes me feel like I’m not worth knowing 😥

1turtle1
1turtle1 in reply to weegmack

Thanks for getting back to me. Any validation I can get helps immensely. Psych care is virtually impossible to come by right now. I tried a couple of therapists with my health insurance group. They were horrible, at best. I gave up there. I can't afford a private therapist.

How did I get involved with someone who doesn't understand mental illness? Worse than that, she says she has depression too, and takes a couple medications. She believes in the fake it until you make it philosophy. I don't think it's that easy. That doesn't work for me. Of course this is also someone who doesn't cry. Says she cried it all out in one of her 4 marriages. I don't buy it.

I'm making a plan to leave here, but it's not going to be as quick and easy as I'd like. In the meantime, I was informed yesterday that a medical procedure, uterine ablation, I've been waiting for is postponed until further notice with the hospital situation.Until then I feel like my cervix's is dilated, and I need to expel the contents. Lovely. Tmi, I'm sure. I'm also waiting for another procedure on my back to verify severing of the nerves will cease the pain. They have to try twice, before they do it permanently. Go figure!

This is a really crummy place to be. I'm glad you're around. It really makes a difference that someone understands me.

weegmack
weegmack in reply to 1turtle1

Oh bless you, you have way too much on your plate 😞. And don’t worry about the TMI! I have IBS and I talk poop with literally everyone and have no shame about anything else these days. So talk away to me about it anytime ♥️

4 marriages huh? I think you need to get away from that as soon as you can. But it has to be when you’re as well as you can be and have somewhere to go.

I don’t buy into her philosophy either. She’s living in pure denial. I’d rather be upfront about my mental health, be honest and face it. Otherwise it will consume us, right? Xx

1turtle1
1turtle1 in reply to weegmack

I am so glad I stumbled upon you. Thank you. Thank you.🙏

weegmack
weegmack in reply to 1turtle1

You can private message anytime ♥️

As a victim of domestic violence there are shelters still open to you. If you call the police they will arrange for you to get to one safely. Just because you are in lockdown you do not have to fear for your safety / life and the police will know and understand that. Please call them.

I feel the same way. I have no family, the people I thought were friends turned out not to be. I was hospitalized and discharged after a month with no improvement. I can't even get an appointment with a therapist or psychiatrist. I'm fighting MDD completely alone and I don't have the strength to keep going. Like you, because I'm high risk, I tried to go out and purposely get COVID 19 but to no avail. I've only come back with a cough and runny nose. Then got some hard news at work yesterday. Honestly, not being here anymore is looking like a beautiful and welcome option.

weegmack
weegmack in reply to Chgoangel

I’m so sorry you’re so alone. It’s dreadful you can’t get to speak to anyone in mental health care. I know we’re in the middle of a pandemic, but mental health teams could still help people over the phone or live chat.

I’m sorry to be a bit dense, but what is MDD?

What was the news you got at work? Xxx

sue111859
sue111859 in reply to Chgoangel

i have MDD TO. its so on me right now i can hardly think with all the brain fog. i have family but very little understanding there no conversations either. they are to mixed up in their own world. its so hard to find a reason to even want to live, i want to live but not in this brain. i have severe anxiety condition to. just wanted to tell u i understand an am here to talk. hugs

weegmack
weegmack in reply to sue111859

Thanks for the hugs - right back at ya ♥️

I get you about lack of support - I have very little too. My mum is just oblivious to my struggles and in incapable of empathy. I have a couple of friends, but they only support me so much - I think they get impatient with me after a while.

I totally agree that it’s hard to find a reason to stay in this world. I feel more lucid today (though exhausted) so I’m trying to just see good in tiny little things....like my cat’s very furry tummy ♥️

Hi weegmack. MDD is major depressive disorder. The appointment I did have with a psychiatrist was cancelled by the doctor's office. They said the appointment has to be done face to face and they won't be able to do it via phone or video chat. They also said they have no idea if or when the appointment will be rescheduled for. Therapists are not taking on new patients, at least that's from the ones that return calls. I'm at the point now where it's so hard to even think or function.

The news I got from work is that there's a chance I may lose my job in a few months because I'm not "performing at a level they expected." I understand their point but I can't tell them I'm dealing with debilitating depression, else they would fire me immediately. Life really sucks.

weegmack
weegmack in reply to Chgoangel

I can’t believe they won’t do appointments over live chat. I see a therapist over Zoom and it’s just as good as seeing them face-to-face.

I’m really gutted for you about your job - it’s so unfair 😞. Are they not the kind of company that would care about your MDD? Are you in the USA?

Life does really suck 😞.

Chgoangel
Chgoangel in reply to weegmack

Yes, I’m in the US. Because of the stigma, I haven’t disclosed anything about my MDD. I told one person at work and was told to never tell that to anyone in the company. They say they care about the employees but sometimes their actions tell a different story.

weegmack
weegmack in reply to Chgoangel

That’s just despicable. I live in Scotland and employment law would really not allow that - there’s a lot being done here about mental health. Though I imagine some places of business will flaunt that. If only mental health was taken as seriously as physical health. How much longer do we have to wait until we get the same recognition that our conditions disable us just as much as a physical condition does???

Chgoangel
Chgoangel in reply to weegmack

I agree but I don't see it happening here in the US any time soon. It's too easy to shame anyone that has a mental condition. Sadly, mental illness is only taken seriously for a little while if someone famous actually dies from an act, for example, Robin Williams. People don't understand that this is something I struggle with on a daily basis. It's hard and honestly, it's at the point where I cry myself to sleep at night and pray I don't wake up in the morning. I don't have the strength anymore.

sue111859
sue111859 in reply to Chgoangel

they to. but i try hard everyday . i just go to sleep rather than deal.

weegmack
weegmack in reply to Chgoangel

Oh I so know how that feels 😞. That desperation at night. Totally agree about people not taking mental health seriously. It’s because it is invisible. If we had suffered a double amputation, people would be all over us to help us. I said that to my husband the other day - that if I had a physical disability, he wouldn’t be so horrible to me. There’s a general consensus that we aren’t trying hard enough....that we let it consume us and “could do better”. You’d think after all these years, people would stop being so old-fashioned in their response to us. XX

Hi Weegmack, I’m a domestic abuse survivor and after a 20year marriage I did get the strength eventually to leave. I jointly owned my home at the time and police never got involved with domestic issues during the 1980s.

One day when he came home from work, I made his tea, then told him I was leaving and just left with few clothes and my car. I was at the time able to stay on a friends couch for few days, then did get support.

It was and has been very hard, but I choose to let him have the house, didn’t claim maintenance and eventually got a clean break order. I just wanted rid, as he made me hate him and wanted to kill him.

It took a couple of months to get my own place and had to move away. But I have never regretted it and my life took off in a positive direction shortly after that.

All I can say, you will know yourself when enough is enough and always remember there is always someone to help. Plus these days there is a lot more support and help out there.

Take care, you deserve better🥰X

Gosh you’re so brave, thank you for sharing that. I’m a bit stuck because we have kids - nearly 18 and 20. 20 year old was staying in uni accommodation, but is having to come home as unis are all shut (she lives with her bf and they’re having to go back to their family homes and neither are happy 😬). It’s been tears all day, but the circumstances call for them to come home and hopefully they can move back into their student flat come September. My 18 year old is moving up to uni in September. I feel I need to hang on with him till the girls are settled again. And this bloody lockdown is making it impossible for me to escape 😥.

Things are calmer this evening. He’s a bully more than anything else - a lot of mental crap and physical violence is rare (and I fight back, so I don’t know where that would leave me if I called the police on him?). I’m worried about my eldest coming home as she and my husband don’t get along too well. I really hope the lockdown is lifted and some movement can be allowed. If my daughter can’t visit her bf, I can see things blowing up big time here.

As you say, I’ll know when the time is right. X

My son was around 14-15yrs at the timeand my husband was a bully and I would stand up and fight back. In fact think he did it on purpose so he could beat me up. He knew the triggers. Also, around the same time my mam had died suddenly, with heart failure and he was telling me to get over it after a week.

He was able to manipulated my son and I became a bad mother over night. Everything was always my fault. He kept my son from me until he got to 18 then he kicked him out. I financed my son for years, buying him clothes, food, deposits and paying rents and bills on flats. Until, again enough was enough.

My son is now 30 and I haven’t seen him for about 2yrs, since my dad’s funeral. Don’t even know if I have any grandchildren. Last communication was by email in July last year. He doesn’t acknowledge my birthday, Mother’s Day or even Xmas. He owns his own home, has a good job earning £40,000+ a year.

I ended up having a mental break down because my grief bucket got two full, due to all the challenges life can through at you. I have been on loads of meds, tried to commit suicide twice and because of all the trauma in my life I suffer with PSTD and high levels of Anxiety.

Then last year, I made a decision to come off all my meds as felt I had no quality of life. I was just cabbaged most of of the time and found it hard to function to run a home and look after myself. Anyway, since around May19 up until Feb just gone, I’ve been doing really well, studied Mindfulness, Mediation. Started exercising, eating healthy, lost nearly 2stone in weight.

However, I’m struggling at the mo because of this pandemic and scared I loose all sense of reality. I’ve refused meds because I would just take the lot in one go. But I’m determined I won’t give in, hence why I’m on here.

So together, we can unite, share, support and get through this.🥰

Never give up on ‘Hope’ and ‘Dreams’

Take Care, Big Hugs and Stay Safe🥰X

P.S Anytime you feel you can’t cope you can text ‘Shout’ to 85258, they are trained Counsellors.

You’ve been through such an awful time, I’m so sorry 😞. You did an amazing thing by pulling yourself out of it all the way you did. I often wonder why some of us have to go through such difficulties, while so many seem to sail through life without a care.

I’m the same with this pandemic. I’ve already lost all perspective with it! The uncertainty is torture 😞

Hi,

I am sorry to hear how stressful life has been for you. God is not punishing us, he is trying to get our attention and wants us to draw near to him. He loves us and wants the best for us. He wants to give us peace and love. He does not want to see us in such turmoil. Proverbs 3:5,6 - "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." Do you personally know God as your heavenly Father? Would you like to know Him? - God loves you! He loves you so much that he sent his one and only Son to earth for you! Jesus Christ, God's Son, died on the cross to take away your sins. Three days later he rose from the grave and now he lives in heaven. You can become his child now. For God so loved the world that He gave his only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16 - God loves the whole world! Here are three wonderful things about God's love. 1). God loves all people in the world- that means you too! He wants you to be His child and enjoy his love forever. But now your sisns- the bad things you do -seperate us from God. Because He is holy, He must punish all sin. We cannot get rid of our sins. But God has already done it for you. 2). God sent his only Son to earth for you! Jesus Christ, God's Son died on the cross to take away your sins. Three days later he rose from the grave and now He lives in heaven. 3). You can become a Christian now if you would like. - If you will recieve Jesus as your Savior, he will take away your sins and you will become God's child forever! - You can pray this small prayer with me if you feel led to; Dear Jesus, I know that you are the One true God, I believe that you are God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit. I believe that you came to earth and died and the cross and rose again three days later to tak away my sins, forgive me Jesus. I want you to come into my life and be my God and Father. Thank you for loving me!

In Jesus Name I pray, Amen- If you prayed that prayer- Let me know or anyone of us here know that you did, so that we can encourage you and lift you up. - We are all here for you! God bless!

weegmack
weegmack in reply to JkBauer

Hey there,

What a beautiful reply. Thank you ♥️. Yes, I am a Christian - I came to Christ after my dad died 23 years ago. I’m just having a real crisis of faith just now because I struggle to see God in this. I feel as though I’m holding onto my faith by my fingertips. Out of the blue this evening (though I’m sure it’s not a coincidence!), someone I haven’t heard from for ages and ages messaged me and said some years ago, she had been gong through her darkest time. Felt she was hanging on by her fingertips, but realised God was hanging on to HER. Made so much sense to me today. So I’m taking comfort in the fact that God is hanging on to me, even though I just can’t feel it just now. I’ve had one of those days that it’s been one family crisis after another. Feel wrecked ♥️

Hidden
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I go for a walk and call a hotline on my cell almost everyday. It helps. Do they have warmlines there? I truly wish you well. I have already made plans to leave my partner during this quarantine but I don't know if I'll go or not. I will just try to have space and get counseling. I had a glass of wine and it made me feel better tonight too. I don't know if that works for everyone. Good luck!

That is wonderful to know that you are a Christian! Know that I am praying alongside of you, for you and that you will find support and encouragement. :)

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