Before COVID, everything was going wrong in my life. I’d didn’t think it could get any worse. Now, it’s a disaster. Everything is awful. I don’t want to live anymore and I am genuinely wondering if there is any point in fighting how I feel and should just end it for good.
Lots of people are on here posting that this is a punishment from God and we’re all going to die. I’m so frightened and I’d rather be in control of when I die than leave it to a God I don’t want to believe in anymore.
It feels as though there is no hope. No end in sight and maybe it’s just best to die anyway.
Yesterday, I totally broke down and told my husband how bad I was feeling. I told him I couldn’t go on and was feeling suicidal. He didn’t say much. I managed to get up and get dressed this morning, but got some more difficult news and I just lost it. I couldn’t cope with the information and with the uncertainty of what’s ahead.
His response was awful. And before any of you say he must be under pressure too, please know that in our 22 years of marriage, he has repeatedly let me down when it comes to mental health and he knows it and admits it. He’s been violent with me twice when he’s lost his temper with me. He’s basically just told me he’s sick of me and can’t stand me. And that I’ve to leave and take my negativity with me. I’m only 4’11” and he is 6’4”, so he’s intimidating. He shouted at me to get out and leave and never come back. Problem is, here in Scotland, we’re only in week 2 of a 3 week lockdown, so I can’t leave. And when the time comes that we can start going places again (if that ever comes), I’ll still have nowhere to go. My mother is not supportive and will just send me back and I have no job or money of my own.
So this is why suicide feels like my only option right now. I have a breast lump too, which is to be checked at the breast clinic....if I’m ever allowed an appointment. Maybe my life is going to end anyway.