Lost & Sinking

[TexasTheDog]

Let me start out by saying how hard doing this is going to be for me. I have problems opening up to others but i've come to a point where i *need* to open up to others before it is too late.

I am currently struggling in my day to day life. My job was off due to Covid, but now they have made us come back even though we are closed. I walk in in the morning and i am trying to be in a good mood. That lasts until i see my first coworker. Then my mood is shot for the day.

I walk around my job, aimless, trying to feel normal. Everyone else is moving about so i have to as well, right? I get anxiety attacks while im at work that cause me to go and hide from everyone. I want to be alone, but i need to be around others to be "normal". I will never be normal but i need to try.

The people saying things drive me insane, and it is not the people that are there, it is the people that are not there. I can never understand them but they always whisper. Every. Single. Day. They do not go away.

Then there are the movements in the corner of my eyes. Like someone is following me. But when i turn around there is nobody there.

I go home each night, more drained than the last. Each night i secretly hope i just don't wake, as the misery would finally have an end. But i wake each day and fight the same fight.

I'm not sure what to even do anymore...

[HekatHushla]

I totally get it. I've had major depression and suicidal tendencies my whole life. Like everyone, I was told to fake it until I make it, just pretend to be happy and I will be.

And while that may work for some people, it does not for me. It makes me resent those around me. It doesnt help that I'm naturally an anti social person.

Recently I was admitted because I could not guarantee that I wasn't a danger to myself. With everything going on in the world, plus the stress of work (I work for a timeshare company, and those owners are pissed about covid right now), having to work from home which invades my safe space, and just generally not understanding the point of anything, I wished I was dead.

I still have those passive thoughts, but now they are back to a manageable level. I'm still nihilistic. But being admitted helped. I felt like a failure for not being able to control my depression and anxiety.

But it's okay to ask for help. It's okay to say this is too hard right now and you need extra support. I'm not saying you need to be admitted, but maybe just take a deep breath, find your courage and ask for help. Therapist, EAP, emergency room, whatever you're most comfortable with.

This is no way to live. You deserve to feel better. This doesnt have to be your life.

[TexasTheDog in reply to HekatHushla]

I think that some of my work issue comes from i don't have any patrons to interact with to help occupy myself. I unfortunately work in a gym, on a military base, for the government...

I have been doing well for about the last 2 years. That was when i was last admitted due to the same reasoning. But i know the signs from living like this and i know if something doesn't change it will happen again. Therapy is difficult right now because it is only telehealth. I do better in person, but this is the new normal until who knows when.

It has been a while since i have gone over my EAP and i should probably look in to updating that. My issue becomes i also support a significant other as well as our dogs and cat. So as much as some days i really should go to the ER, i have to push past it because without my income we would lose everything very rapidly. And this forces me to tell myself everything is ok, when it is not. But i keep telling myself that so much i don't even know what is ok and what is not ok anymore.

[HekatHushla in reply to TexasTheDog]

Have you thought about frequenting a helpline? That may help give you the support you need right now.

I cant imagine how hard the lack of interaction is on you. Its sounds like you're a people person and enjoy that interaction. Quarantine has been hard on a lot of people I know because they're social creatures.

This is the one thing that I've been fortunate in because I'm anti-social at the best of times. The only big thing that's changed for me is I dont have archery practice and I work from home. This must be incredibly difficult for you.

[TexasTheDog in reply to HekatHushla]

I am actually very anti social but i have 2 sides to me. The one is the work side, i go in and try to be outgoing and talk to people. But the other side hates talking to people. I come home drained. If i could i would never talk to a person again. Im just happier that way.

Funny enough, i have been working on my archery much more since quarantine. I practice for about half an hour a few times a week in my back yard. Not big or much but i can do 10 and 20 yard shots in it and it gives me something to do that makes me feel better.

[Hidden in reply to TexasTheDog]

Amazing about the archery!

I was thinking something physical might help! I like to excersize!

[HekatHushla in reply to TexasTheDog]

I'm also really drained at the end of the day. My job is very customer facing and its exhausting for me. I'm currently looking for a job where I dont have to deal with customers. I really not built for it.

I miss archery. Unfortunately I live in a shoebox apartment in the city and the archery range I use is shut down due to covid. I cant wait to pick up my recurve again.

[TexasTheDog in reply to HekatHushla]

Oh no! That is disappointing to hear! I use a compound myself.

Today seems to have been a much better day. I went to work and was able to do my own thing and everyone left me alone. I came home and i feel not as bad as the rest of this week.