I would love to escape this feeling... I feel like I'm sinking again..
My head seems to be so heavy, my chest feels the same. i feel all my nerves in the body are triggered giving me feeling of exhaustion.
Its been a month since I am back on medication. I do not feel any difference, if not the side effects - insomnia and belly aches. I don't feel my mood elevated at all. I finished group therapy week ago and now i do not have any psychological care.
My sister arrived yesterday and she will stay with us - me and my parents - for three days. She has NORMAL life that i envy her so much. She woke up by 8 am, stand up immediately, washed, showered, dressed... She did her hair, went out with the dog and then shopped for breakfast! Prepared the meal for me too... I have never ever done anything like this... For me to wake up takes ages, for me to do the easiest thing takes years and not without huge amount of anxiety..
Im scared each second of the day. Everything is petrifying and i cannot break that fear... i received an email from my work today taht paralyzed me, i am supposed to go back to my work after two months of sick leave and trust me - there is no way for me to reach my work place.... I feel that they will kick me out the first day anyway and I do not need to risk this horrible stress..
My phone sent out today an emergency sos to my exboyfriend with whom i didnt hear since April. He called me after but i couldn't pick up the phone. It scares me how much i love him, how much im drawn to him and how much he had hurt me..
I have problems with each and every human relation I ever kept... I do not answer my phone, i do not reply, do not show to any event... i all the time stay alone.. its years now but it only grows worse each day. people treat me now like their enemy... and overall i am called to be bad person, liar and cheater.
Mostly i feel like a fraud.