okay so maybe i should just get myself banned and call it a done deal

[Nothing_but_books]

daddy told me that if enough people tell you you're a duck you better give it up and start quacking.

Welcome to my own self-created hell.

I'm not looking for comfort or reassurance.

Maybe i am looking to have JUST EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU kick me down the stairs and throw me away.

Same to you.

I can't take it anymore.

I'm not supposed to connect. I am dead center under the thumb of endings death f- me and piss off.

Don't (((hugg))) me and tell me what a worthless piece I am.

Just join in and flush me away.

You too.

[Net01]

You're not worthless at all. Obviously you are going through a very tough time. Don't let anyone knock you down. I'm here for you if you need to talk.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Net01]

Thank you Net01. You are so brave and kind to reach out to me from such a start. My post is not a gentle reaching out. More a cry of agony.

I thank you for your kind comment, saying I am not worthless, I am going through a tough time. What you don't know is I am going through a rough life, and a feather in the wind is more than I can survive.

I have suffered a terrible loss. I have to live with it if I have to live. Someone on the forum I cared for too deeply said we were done, and closed PM for me to respond or question.

My life is a mess. I sit around and wait for my husband's final decision to stop helping me. (I am a cripple -- emotionally too.) He says he cares about me and starves me and abuses me. I love him. I need him. It's an awful mess, I hate him hurting me and neglecting me.

I reached out of all my trauma to someone here to care too much about. Now that's gone. I am alone again. I didn't choose it, but it isn't my choice.

Today I was given the privilege of a final PM. Out of kindness I think.

So now I am welcomed back all alone to my world.

I am sorry to all I offended with my hurt and anger.

I am lost.

[enigmaticide in reply to Nothing_but_books]

If you find yourself at rock bottom, the good news is, the only way to go from there is up. Above you, an ocean of past events that currently hold you down. Within, the knowledge that everyone, yourself included, deserves contentment and belonging. The key to your freedom shall be born of the following truth: the weight of your past is a measure that YOU created; once you accept this, you'll start to float, and swimming up and through shall be far easier. Tell yourself you're worth it, even when no one else is doing so.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to enigmaticide]

Please clear up for me:

the weight of your past is a measure that YOU created

Thank you.

[enigmaticide in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Ofcourse. To paraphrase, if a situation from your past is lingering in your mind, bringing you down and/or holding you back, you're the one giving that situation power over you. The only things you should be carrying from such moments are the lessons that make you stronger and wiser; those are the tools you use to successfully move forward.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to enigmaticide]

Thank you.

Much easier said than done. PTSD.

[Hidden in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Welp....smoking astronomical amounts of weed helps me cope somedays.

So does Slayer and exercise....

What do you enjoy?

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Hidden]

Hey LulaBeth,

What is Slayer?

I'll take all the suggestions I can find.

Weed not legal where I am. I'd give it a shot if it was -- hell I'd give anything a shot at this point.

What I enjoyed doesn't work when I am this far gone. Reading, music, hell I can't even walk anymore -- the eternal Saki decided that could go too.

[Hidden in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Slayer is a very hardcore band from the US

Not everyone's cup of tea!

I would start small.

The little things to get you back to reading and music.

What music do you like?

[Net01 in reply to Nothing_but_books]

So sorry to hear you going through a very tough time both mentally and physically. No one deserves to be treated like that.

There is help and support services you can get help from that are from various places; Doctors can put you in touch with various services who provide help, support and advice. Various charities (Samaritans, Mind etc.) are very helpful.

Stay strong and reach out for help, it's very important to get help and support, there are a lot of services who are there for us but we just need to reach out to them.

Stay strong and positive.

[JaggedEdge]

I wish I had the words here as some do to help you feel better. I can tell you that I can relate to most everything you have said and I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you find the comfort you need.