Sick of the sound of my own thoughts

[Kaytee1981]

I'm at a complete loss. I've been struggling for about 19months (arguably longer but that's when the s*** hit the fan) and I've just come to the realisation today that everyone (my husband, my CPN, my psychologist - I have no one else) have had enough of my moaning and whining and crying about how I feel and what I'm thinking.

I constantly have suicidal thoughts, they vary in that they are manageable or they are not, I self harm and I am constantly scared I won't be able to stop (not depth so much but amount) once I start. I look for the negative in the blindingly positive - my husband pointed that out today. And I'm on this constant path of self destruction - oh and a really bad tooth ache.

These thoughts and feelings are bugging me I can only guess how bored those around me are, I cant see any way past them, and I cant see any way of seeking help because the people helping me are bored of me so they dont want to help me either. I really feel like I'm loosing all options when I was so strong a few weeks ago I cant do that again...they are so sick of hearing my name and lack of any really substance to my story, just general rubbish low mood and BPD. I cant go on its physically hurting now.

[VeggieLover21]

Have you tried meds? Your symptoms/ thoughts sound like they could use a little reset and meds can help. I often feel like a broken record too... playing the same old annoying tune but there is hope. People do get better! I would talk to your doctor about your suicidal thoughts. Those are serious and if he/she won't listen seek a different doctor. The same should be said with your psychologist. You will not be stuck in this pattern forever.

Have you ever tried contacting a crisis line when you self harm or have suicidal thoughts? crisistextline.org/topics/s...

You are stronger than this. You are brave for reaching out and expressing your fears. It's easy to see only the negative right now. My conviction came when I was asked, "what am I gaining from this mental health issue? ".... that was tough to swallow but it showed me that I was stuck ... it's hard to imagine a different reality in the midst of the darkness but it will pass. Give yourself grace and talk to yourself like you would a best friend or to a child. It would break my heart to see a friend feeling so much pain. You deserve to get better and fully enjoy life!

[Kaytee1981 in reply to VeggieLover21]

Thanks for replying.

I'm on meds antidepressants, mood stabilizer and anxiety meds. I've tried a lot of different things over the past 19months. I've been in hospital for 5months on 2 separate occasions. I have used the crisis line and also a crisis cafe but feel the same about being a broken record with them. I sometimes want to ring but just don't know what to say but know I need something.

Thanks anyway for your reply its appreciated.

[VeggieLover21 in reply to Kaytee1981]

It looks like you have been working hard to get better. Do you think some of what you're feeling could be a side effect of your medicine? Could be the dosage is off or something too. It's amazing how little pills can completely change our mood and thoughts.

Know that even if you feel like a broken record you're obviously stuck for a reason. Whether it's the particular lyrics that need to be heard or something is blocking you from continuing on to the next verse.

Do you keep a log or journal of things that have helped or tools you've gained along this journey? It might even be helpful to recognize patterns of when you feel worse or better... maybe you already do these things or have tried in the past.

Other then my faith the things that have helped me the most have been talking with others about my mental health. I was so surprised by how common the thoughts I'm having actually are. So many acquaintances became friends because we share similar struggles. I also found it helpful to read books or listen to podcasts from others who have struggled. They may have advice you haven't tried. Have you asked your care team if they are sick of hearing from you or bored? I doubt that is how they feel. They want to help you get well. It's their job! If you don't feel supported I'd seek other doctors and psychologists.

As far as being negative goes I realized I was in that place. I could only focus on my symptoms and bad thoughts. It was a negative spiral. I don't know if you ever feel at a crossroads with your thoughts... like I could take this to a really dark place or I could acknowledge the thoughts and send them away. That's been helpful.

Would love to keep talking with you if you're interested.

[enigmaticide]

DISCLAIMER: I didn't read any of the other replies. Any repetition is coincidental.

Dentist appointment to deal with the toothache issue ASAP. Prolonged physical pain can wear down a person's resolve VERY fast. Ask ANY friendly sadist; they'd tell you. Beyond that, it seems that you're already in communication with a professional. I shall say something that I hope you'll already know; a therapist is only EVER AS GOOD, as the INFORMATION YOU PROVIDE. If you find yourself holding back, and not being entirely open and honest, during your sessions, you're only hurting yourself. Best of luck.

[Kaytee1981 in reply to enigmaticide]

Thank you - I would like to think I dont hold back but will be conscious of it when I see my CPN later

[Pamela2876]

Hi as others have said self care is so important. I found faith has helped me to come out of these dark moments in my life. It is nothing new that you are facing and you are not alone! For me it helped to understanding the overwhelming love God has for me and that he designed me for a purpose. It brings life to my step and encourages me. I am so sorry you are facing this. I'd encourage you to reach out for help from a local church or counselor who can help you mentally and spiritually. My thoughts are with you!

[BertieBasset11]

I’m disappointed you feel you have no one else that wants to help you.

[Kaytee1981 in reply to BertieBasset11]

You know what I mean - we've spoke enough

[ciley]

thanks for your message about your thoughts and feelings, i struggle too and i am a lot older than you, it is also a difficult time for everyone now, for those of us who have suffered ,most will neveer understand,best wishes 2 you, look at alternative meds 5htp~cbd and so on