Welcome To Me

[Griftertrix]

April 12, 2019, I ruined my life by mixing together two substances that would cause a minor heart attack. From that moment forward I grew to understand fear unlike any other. The fear of death constantly lingering around every part of my life. I would have panic attacks, in bed while trying to sleep, while trying to shower, and any time I stepped outside. I didn't understand my triggers and I certainly didn't understand what was happening to my life. I finally knew that I was incapable of relying on myself after visiting the ER four times because my anxiety attacks were so bad I would either run to the ER down the street or call EMS. I eventually got into group therapy and was diagnosed with dissociation disorder on top of my anxiety, depression, and PTSD. The group seemed to be really helping until one day I slipped and fell off a ledge while we were on break. I severed my ankle ligament and had to get surgery. I was bedridden for five excruciatingly long months. I had to suffer from my mental demons with no solace in sight. After I was finally able to walk, I decided to try and find a therapist and get actual help, little did I know that the world is complete and total shit when it comes to mental health assistance. I ended up getting a psychiatrist until I could find a therapist. Sadly, since I had adverse side-effects to medications, I could hardly stand to be on them without freaking out even more. Eventually, I did find a therapist, but after two sessions she apologized and told me she didn't feel qualified to assist me anymore. Thus Covid-19 enters the battlefield. I had been in isolation for a year and some change already, but being forced to be in isolation with my demons made it even more of an unfair ground war. I've skipped in great detail much of madness that ensued of that year to spare anyone who reads this. So here we are today 6/8/2020. I get anxiety when I eat or drink certain things, I can look in the mirror for long periods of time, vibrations trigger me and cause panic attacks, showers make me feel like I'm trapped, sometimes my eyes see horrible things that aren't real, I can't be in crowded areas for long periods of time, I rarely sleep longer than 3-4 hours at a time without being startled out of sleep due to nightmares, going outside feels insanely HD at times and it's too much for me to process. At times I feel like I'm slowly slipping into madness and I'm all alone, so no one will ever know if something ever happens to me. I'm hoping to find people here to talk to and not feel so alone anymore.

[Chuupachuu]

That sounds really tough. I went through 2 or 3 bad episodes of mental health issues and to this day I can't deal with the memories from that time period. Life just stopped. It has been over 2 years now and I'm only now just starting to try and put things behind me. I wish there was some way I could help you. I can only suggest keeping in mind that you don't have to be the person you were yesterday. Each day is a new beginning. Each moment in life you can choose to act differently. Even if you feel the same way inside, try doing something different until you find something that works for you. I'm sorry that you have such a hard time. I hope things get easier to you.

[Vegcat]

Your story is so painful to read. It reminds me of what happened with my partner, last year he experienced a drug-induced bout of psychosis that came with paranoia and panic. During the 2 months or so that our lives were upended, I also found the whole world of healthcare and mental health to be bullshit. So many institutions failed to help. After multiple attempts to get help, he was eventually admitted into a psych ward where he was inpatient for 4 days. That wasn’t quite the end, but it was the beginning of the end. Now he’s on an antidepressant and sees a therapist regularly and is truly doing great. Your symptoms are acute and nothing to fuck around with. No one should ever have to experience that. I hope that you’ll continue to seek help and really DEMAND it until you feel well.