Husband - worth fighting for?

[Crashex]

I left my husband 2 years ago, but never went no contact and returned (half) - having my own apartment, but spending lots of time on our small farm. He was very tame for a while, until I started to build my tiny house on the farm - now there are discussions every day, anger, then he says he was not angry. He turns around every argument we have, says things he denies to have said later, hears only half of what I said and gets angry about not being informed about stuff. I am tired. I can hide in my apartment, but I want to be on the farm, doing positive things with our volunteers! His negativity is everywhere, poisoning stuff. He fails to communicate openly with the volunteers and complains about them to me if things go wrong. He leaves working tools everywhere and blames others when he cannot find them.

He also has supported every crazy idea I had in the 20 years we were together. He tries to be kind. He has PTSD and I understand where his problems come from, but I find it increasingly difficult to bring up the energy to handle the conflicts he creates.

Sometimes I wish I had left years ago, before pouring heart and soul into our place. Sometimes I feel I am being unfair and too sensitive. Sometimes I try to explain to him that I would need some encouragement, not just criticism. He then tells me he does not work that way, that he would be offended and patronised if someone were praising him for his achievements.

He is now jealous about one of our volunteers (but does not speak about it, it just hangs in the air as another toxic fog) - because the man is attentive, kind, encouraging in the small details throughout the day, and he does notice when my husband puts me down and tends to take my side. There is no intention to "steal me away" - he is in a relationship and I consider him a friend. But for my husband this feels like a threat.

I feel stuck. In the moment I am mostly frustrated with myself, for returning after moving out and having to endure another round of trying to educate my husband to be more kind, patient, open and honest with himself and others. There are small steps towards success, but I am not sure I have the energy to go on like this.

[Sprinkle1]

If it were me, I would seek out a therapist to help you sort out your feelings, when he sees you change he may be interested and be willing to go to the therapist himself, which could lead to both of you going as a unit. These are decisions you are going to have to make, do not let him drag you down. That is what my husband did to me, after 12 years I divorced him, it was the best thing I ever did, therapy helped me such a lot and I continued to grow from there, I like my life the way it is now. So be true to yourself, you deserve to be happy....Sending courage, strength, peace, love n hugs.....Sprinkle 1....