I’m really really struggling

[HJam5880]

I don’t know who to reach out to as I don’t want to “burden” my friends, even if they say I’m not. I know my thoughts and struggles are valid but sometimes I don’t feel like they are. I’m mostly struggling with school right now. I have 3 big assignments due tomorrow at midnight, and then a test due Saturday night and then a final exam due next Tuesday. I haven’t started on anything yet. I have managed to get everything turned in on time this semester but it has all been at the last minute (literally like within the last hour on some stuff.) Anyways, I guess I just needed to vent when I felt like I couldn’t go anywhere else. I’m determined to get this stuff done on time, but is going to take me a while to do it. I told my Dr today that I think my meds (Buspirone and Sertraline) should be increased, so I’m excited to see how things change before I start my summer classes on June 1st. Even though I’m on medicine, I’ve tried doing all of the things my therapist has recommended, but it just isn’t helping. It definitely didn’t help that my last appt with my therapist got lost in the system, so I’ve had to go two months instead of one like usual. It’s become increasingly harder to do daily tasks, even getting out of bed every morning is a major task.

EDIT:One of the main problems is that I often do not fall asleep until 1am and then I don't get up until at least 10am (usually later though). Tonight I'm awake doing homework, which I usually don't do, but I am so anxious about these assignments that I can't sleep. So instead of laying here in bed wasting time and not sleeping, I decided to do homework and make the most of my time. It is now 12:37am and I am just starting to get sleepy, although I'm not sleepy enough to actually go to sleep yet.

[Ubud2021]

I totally agree with you on not really wanting to vent with friends. You also have this idea that maybe they get sick of you talking about your mental health...or, at least I do...

And feeling like our feelings aren’t always valid, is pretty normal. We tend to ask ourselves a lot of questions. Like, am I just overreacting? Am I making this tougher than it needs to be? Am I just weak? And so on... So of course when we bargain with our mental health symptoms, we feel as if our feelings aren’t always 100% valid.

And man, that’s a lot of assignments!! That must be very overwhelming. How do you manage your time so well to get all these done?? I applaud you.

My first anxiety medication was Buspirone! Eventually it did nothing for me. But I’m glad it’s working for you and still have room to increase it!! And yuck, they lost your therapy appointment?! I’d be pretty upset. And put up a fight to get one ASAP. Even if he/she had to work during their lunch break. Because that is not your problem. I’ve had this happen to me before, where they lose my appointment. But they always fit me in. I’m sorry they did not do that for you.

Also, how long have you been going to therapy for?? WhT kind of therapy are you doing?

[HJam5880 in reply to Ubud2021]

My therapist kind of worked me in that day. They had switched to phone calls by that point and so my therapist ended up calling me but we only talked about what was really seriously bothering me, because she called me during her free time (13 minutes) when my session usually lasts for 45 minutes.

I feel like my friends have their own stuff to deal with and that I don’t need to pile my problems on top of their own problems.

As for my assignments, I have a fear of turning in something late so when I gets down to the last little stretch of time, I make myself sit down and do the assignment, even if I turn it in 5 minutes before it’s due. So although I’m pushing things until the last minute, I also fear of not getting things in, so they balance each other out some.

I started CBT 5 (almost 5.5) years ago after my dad died. I went for a year and a half and I decided that everything was better and I stopped going (therapist agreed that I was ok). A little over a year ago, I decided to go back to the same therapist as I had just discovered my anxiety and I was diagnosed with GAD. The first time I went to therapy, I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression.

[Ubud2021 in reply to HJam5880]

Oh, man, my condolences. It’s so hard losing someone you love. My ~father~ was never around, so my grandfather took that roll. He was like my dad. I lived with him and everything since I was born. He passed away almost 1.5 years ago. It’s tough.

Hmm, 13 minutes is barley anything. I mean it was nice she still called, but yeah that’s not enough time.

As for the friend thing, I totally get it!

And I’m the same way with things. I’m not taking classes anymore but when I was...boy, it was hard. Even with my work sometimes if I wasn’t doing so good.

Also, that’s good. It’s good finding a therapist you can really trust and bond with.

I hope things get better for you 💕

[HJam5880 in reply to Ubud2021]

Thank you for replying, it really means a lot!

[Hidden]

Well you must be pretty smart to be able to pull all of that together last minute as you did before. Just get work on them and give yourself food rewards and rest rewards. Whatever gets you on track to do them. I really understand. I had to fight for my marks in school and it took up my time the odd ones last minute then I’d go ride my bike or eat chips lay in bed but I crammed. You have a plan in place about your meds that’s good big hug you have this !

[HJam5880 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you! I’ve tried so hard not to procrastinate, but of course that doesn’t work... Your reply really means a lot! I do try to reward myself when doing difficult assignments such as these.

[HJam5880]

I’m so relieved that I got all of my assignments done on time. Now I just have to do the two tests later this week. Now it’s time for bed.