I’ve been struggling with depression, anxiety and PTSD now for several years, 2nd major episode in my life. It’s all consuming. I’ve tried every option offered to me in regard to treatment but the baseline sadness is so intense, I just feel so truly alone and fear I’m always going to be and feel this way. The only joy I had in my life were my two dogs who I had placed for adoption several weeks ago due to my inability to care for them. I’ve lost my job, car, house, savings and now my only true joy. They were my family and although I know they are doing well in their new home, I am beyond devastated and feel like the biggest failure in the world. I’m not sure I can take feeling like this anymore, with such a hopeless outlook on life and without any love, like from my sweet dogs. I just wish there was a break from feeling this way, an actual break. I’m just venting, aside from my therapist I really have no one and always really appreciate any support you all can offer. 😢
Truly alone: I’ve been struggling with... - Anxiety and Depre...
Truly alone
I totally understand. I've been dealing with anxiety, depression and PTSD for years. It hit hard in 2011 and I haven't bounced back yet but I can say there are times it is a bit better. I had to give up my apartment, job, friends, car and also my puppy. I don't have children so she was my baby. It's been three years and i still get saddened but i heard she is in a great home. I understand how you feel. I'm on another experiment with a new medicine because nothing works and I feel hopeless a lot. Like nothing is ever going to help. But I still go to therapy and I haven't given up. Its exhausting and scary but we can't give up and lose hope. If i did i would be in trouble. I just want you to know you are not alone. Someone is listening and here.
Thanks so much for replying. I admit, I do feel like giving up, I feel like it’s happening slowly every day. It’s a struggle, every, single, day. I don’t know how I’m going to get over the loss of my dogs, sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t get over it-it’s my punishment for failing them. I’m just so tired from fighting every day and crying myself to sleep every night. I’m so sorry that you can relate so closely but I’m impressed you still have hope and have kept fighting. Thank you for listening ❤️
I'm not always hopeful but I can't give up because it would hurt those few people I have that love me. Like my mom, sister etc. Its a daily struggle. I feel guilty losing my dog Bella but she is safe. I can't even look at pictures of her. I can't even take care of myself right now but my goal is to get more independent and free. I'm currently not in that position. I hate being the way I am to be honest. But I'm left with it so I have to try to help myself. I haven't slept all night because I get nightmares but I can say I've been worse and I made it through then. Even tho life may not be how I planned right now. It's my life and I have to survive. Does that make any sense?
It does. I really feel connected to what you’re saying and the fact that you’re obviously a very strong person. I admire you for that. I’m also glad you have your mom and sister for support! That’s worth a lot! You sound young and have your whole life ahead of you, your honest self assessment will help your spirit fight through the bad days. I’m clearly having a really bad night but I’m also just less fortunate than you. I lost my dad, who was my entire world and have no other family anymore. I’ve self isolated and lost tons of friends through that process. Losing my dogs has been rock bottom, I’m looking for hope anywhere but can’t see it. I’m glad you do!! ❤️
Believe me.im not more fortunate than you. I'm not Ms Optimostic. I don't like myself and wish I was never born. Life has been evil. But I could never take myself out. I don't have a close relationship with my mom or sister. We don't get along. But I know it would hurt them terribly if I hurt myself. I lost my dad when I was ten. He was my rock. I'm actually not that young. I'm an adult. My aunt killed herself. I see what it did yo her husband and children. I'm not married or have kids but I couldn't put someone through that. What's brutally honest? I resent my mother for having me. It's not easy for me to have hope but if I don't then I'm scared.
I’m glad you have hope! It takes resilience and strength and clearly you have both. I’m sorry I misspoke about your mom and sister and I’m truly sorry for the loss of your aunt and your dad. You’ve experienced a great deal of pain and loss. I’m curious how you stay focused on not giving up, how do you make it through each day? I just feel SO tired ... Also, I just read your post about your experience with ECT, SO awful!! Sadly, another thing we have in common. I’ll write to you again tomorrow about my experience with ECT. I hope you’re able to rest peacefully tonight.
I don't know how I make it honestly. I am fortunate to have a couple friends I can talk to on the phone. They live far away tho. I have no friends where I live now. It's very lonely. I try to keep busy with art projects. I try to go for a walk but I'm so exhausted most of the time I sleep. I have physical issues so it limits how much I can exercise. But I used to love exercise. I'm going to try to force myself to go for a bike ride today. I literally have to force myself to do the right and healthy things. It's hard. I've gone through self harm, anything to escape. It only makes it worse. I've been in many psych hospitals and am happy to say it's been 3 years since I've been in one. I had Electric Shock therapy which ruined my memory leaving another reason I can't work. But I know I love arts and crafts, music and bike riding. But I need to actually take action. Thata the hard part. Most of the time I give up and don't do it. Do you have any Joy's or hobbies?
Also. Thank you for saying I'm strong. I think you are strong also. And you reached out. I haven't posted much because I get so scared. But when I have I found great support. Keep up the fight. Do you write? I don't journal much anymore but I write "No send letters' . They help a lot. Have you heard of them?
Hi, sorry for the delay. I spent almost all day in bed today, still feeling really low....I used to journal a lot, I think I should start again, it used to help, worth a try! What are “no send letters?” ... Also, about ECT, I did that as well. I had weekly treatments for a year. They helped a little but mainly I lost HUGE chunks of my long term memory and my short term memory will never be the same. It’s awful and I regret ever doing it!! It’s yet another thing that contributed to losing the life I once had....
You had ECT? So sorry to hear. It caused severe memory impairments that I'm no longer able to work. I wish I never did it. A No Send Letter is a great way to Express how we feel towards someone but can't or shouldnt say it directly to them. For example, I wrote my mom one and wrote everything I was angry and upset about. I can be as honest and blunt as i want and her feelings won't get hurt because she will never actually get the letter. It's just for you to see. It's great if I have resentments or extreme anger towards someone. It's great to write a loved one no longer with us. So many reasons to try it. But the point is to hold it like a journal entry or do with it at your will. But I never give the person the letter. It's just another Avenue to vent.
I love that idea! I did write a letter like that once, per my therapists guidance but it was one I ended up sending. I can see the relevance of writing one and not sending, I may try that! Thanks for the advice!! And yes, ECT made things SO much worse overall. I wish I had known before what I’d lose because of it. I’m sorry for your losses as well. How are you doing today?
I'm doing ok thank you. How are you doing? Did you try a letter yet?
I think it’s an assumption that someone loves me no matter what. I know my dogs did but they’re gone now. Having loved ones is a thing of the past for me now and something I’m trying to adjust to, with little success. It’s a journey, a really shitty one 😢
Thanks Rick, it’s good to know that it can be done! I’m glad you were able to!! I’m just trying to make it day to day. Getting out of bed is a feat for me right now! I appreciate the response, thank you
Thanks Rick, I’m ok. Just really sad, been in bed a lot. Saw the Dr today and need to have surgery so now my anxiety is up as well. I tend to really isolate when I’m this sad. Hearing from you and several others is really kind and helps me feel less alone so I truly appreciate you reaching out. I’m just trying to take it day by day....How are you? ... This may be a stupid question but have you seen the show Ozark? Beautiful landscape down there!!
I see that this post is a few days old now, but I am also struggling with major/progressively worse depressive episodes every day, extreme loneliness, no self worth, loss of relationships with loved ones, basically loss of the will to live. (Stayed in bed until 9pm one day last week. My only friends haven't spoken to me in over a month. Right now I'm actually trying to convince myself to take a shower, because I just don't see the point of doing anything anymore.) So I know it probably doesn't mean much but... I'm grateful that you exist and I wanted to tell you that even if you're alone, you're not *Alone.* I'm physically/emotionally alone too, and probably always will be, so you can always know that there's at least one person out there who is suffering right alongside you. >_<
Hope you get to feeling better soon <3
Thanks so much for writing. I’m so sorry that you’re struggling with this too. Plain and simple, it’s beyond awful, indescribable unless you yourself have experienced it. It does mean something to me that you reached out and that you cared enough to tell me we’re in this separately but together. I’m here for you as well, it’s truly nice to feel, even if briefly, that we’re not all alone. I wish we weren’t suffering but maybe we can help each other? I’m open to “teaming up”! How about you take that shower, put on some clean clothes and then write me back? Tell me a little about yourself, I’ll be here!! - Kelli
Omg I got a reply?? I only discovered this site a few days ago and your post is so far literally the only thing I've even read here, so I had no idea what to expect!
I'm absolutely in favor of teaming up, though I feel I should warn you I've been told by many people that I'm clingy/needy and don't know how to differentiate between a friend and a therapist (actually part of the reason my friendships are slowly dying now). Stuff about me? Um... I've been unemployed for almost 2 years thanks to trauma, my debilitating fear of phones/telecom (a pandemic is a great time to have that kind of anxiety), and, well, failure to find any job I can function at but still *live* on. Before all that I was a school secretary and church musician just trying to find a decent career and attempt to pay off my student loans (...a joke when your actual red-taped-into-legal-oblivion wages are actually below the federal minimum, but I digress). Masters degree in creative writing aka very useful... and I feel weird saying I still am a musician since I haven't played a note in about 18 months. Major atypical depression + anxiety + ptsd + ocd + history of anorexia and self-harm addiction, and I've lost count... lol. Started online therapy maybe a year and a half ago, and I've taken all sorts of meds for the last decade but I'm just as unstable as ever, yay!
So... that's pretty much my sob story. I just really appreciated and felt for you because now that my friends have given up on me, I don't really have anyone to talk to--my therapist can only get to me once every week or 2 now, and my parents mean well but have trouble really understanding most of the time. Anyway... thank you for your note, and sorry I've now rambled on for a million years @_@
I’m happy that my response was a pleasant experience for you!! I was happy to get your response as well so we’re a good team already!! 😊
You’re needy/clingy and I’m guarded and withdrawn, I’m hopeful we can balance each other out!!
In my opinion, once a musician, always a musician. Maybe you could start playing again? ...
I too have not worked for 2 years now, my physical health led to a serious treatment resistant depression, major increase in my anxiety, development of daily panic attacks and symptoms of PTSD. Prior to that I was a clinical helping professional in a hospital setting so I can maintain appropriate boundaries and be there for others, I just can’t take a lot on anymore but I’m clear about where I’m coming from.
I don’t have parents, my dad died from cancer very young. My siblings and I aren’t close at all, love each other but don’t speak actually. I’ve lost friends over time due to my withdrawal but I do have a great therapist, thankfully! I do have a couple friends but I can’t talk to them about what I’m going through, it’s just too much for them, way too much. I honestly believe if you haven’t experienced all this, it’s very hard to understand. I think people care and can be compassionate but understanding is an entirely different deal. That’s why I love this site, we’re all here for each other. I haven’t been on here long but it’s helping!! I’m so glad we met!! Talk soon ok?!?
Oh man, I'm so so so sorry about all of that. I want to take all the terrible things life has done to you and just... kick them in the nuts or something >_< But I'm glad you have a good therapist, I do too but communication is really infrequent (all I can afford--and handle anxiety-wise--is internet/text-based therapy, so I only hear from her about once every week or two). Yeah, I've been told/scolded enough times that friends/family are not therapists so I've been trying really hard for the last year and a half to keep feelings and problems and crap to myself and in my actual therapy app where they belong. I slipped up recently, mentioned something I didn't know was triggering and caused one of the few friends I... sort of still had? to have a panic attack, and actually they confronted me by email earlier tonight so I've been a sobbing nauseous wreck for the last 4 1/2 hours now. (Ugh and I have to photograph a family wedding tomorrow so I was already nervous about that.) (To be clear... they're doing it over zoom and I'll be one of the maybe ten people actually on site staying 6 feet away from one another & wearing masks, lol. But I've never done photography for something as important/high pressure as a wedding before so I'm freaked. @_@) Roundabout point being... even for me, I've been doing a lot of "all I am is a burden" and "everyone would be better off without me" kind of thinking lately, so if you get to that place where you think it's rock bottom and then you hear yourself knocking from even further down, I'm right there with you. <3
Also I don't really know how things work here yet but if you want to... "friend" me or whatever, feel free--or if you ever need to chat or shoot the breeze or anything, just send me a message. Still learning the ropes but I'm already really grateful to have some kind of connection here!
PackerGirl thank you for sharing. I relate to your PTSD. depression and anxiety. it gets ugly sometimes. I urge you to start believing in yourself again. you were created with a purpose, you were created with gifts/talents. focus on such things. here is a very important key element to recovery. what a person believes in or focuses on such becomes their reality, be it good or be it bad. what I have found out for myself, that when I feel the negative thought/energy coming, I try to reverse it with my "will power" methods. I turn it into positive productive thoughts/energies. keep in mind, it is a process to learn so please be patient. use those strong negative energies for your advantage by turning it to productive words and actions. this is what I do. hope this helps you too. hugs of encouragement.
Thank you for reaching out Sabio77, I appreciate it! I’m VERY curious how you’ve turned your negative thoughts and feelings into positive ones. I get sucked down by feelings of worthlessness and could use some guidance, if you’re willing? - Kelli
kelli, it is only normal for a person to feel like you do when going thru such emotions that like to try to limit us. I do several different things. try listening to soothing music, aroma therapy, fresh air, drinking water, taking a shower, begin a journal of what you do, how you feel and who is around you. the journal is a foundation to your healing process. also try to not drink soda pop or caffeine. not spices or corn. you can drink green tea and eat celery, carrots, apples, spinach, beets, fish, chicken. I also pray a lot of times my way thru it. each time for me is different for where I am and what I am doing for when the ugly begins. remember you are never alone. you have here to talk to where we care. also you can message me if you wish. I understand the struggle. hugs of encouragement.
Thank you SO much!! I lack any form of motivation but love these ideas a lot and for the first time think that maybe by having support here, I could make it through this. I honestly feel a bit of hope tonight which is not something I have felt for a long time. Thank you!
you are welcome. here is a love hug just for you sister. I go thru similar things. here anytime if you wish to talk. I can help you walk thru this if you wish. I am a survivor/overcomer. what you believe in is what you become soooo, believe that you are a Survivor and overcomer too. message me....
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