Guilty...?

[Racheezy]

So, I’m listening to this song called Hurt by Johnny Cash. It’s such a beautiful song BUT....

While I was in high school, I had the BEST chemistry teacher. He was my teacher for two years since I was in advanced chemistry. I remember he would brag about us so much because we were “the smartest group of kids he’d taught.” He was the only teacher that I felt was looking at me. Not like in a bad way. But I knew he noticed me. He played guitar everyday and found out that I liked to sing so he showed me this song.

I’ve always been a melancholy kid so I fell in love with this song. I remember staying up all night trying to memorize the lyrics. We would practice everyday in the middle of the hallways, before class, in between class change. He encouraged me to keep singing. I was painfully shy and he heard my voice. But he not only encouraged my singing, he knew I was smart. I was just an underachiever. Deep down, I think he knew how much I needed some encouragement. I grew really close to him.

A week before my birthday, he committed suicide. I heard from a few teachers that he put a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. Apparently, he was fighting something for a while. There were rumors that he was having an affair and his job was threatened. He had also recently found out his dad had another son his age. His father was never present in his life. So, I can’t imagine how he must have felt. The last time I saw him, he gave a speech before Christmas break. He looked so sad and wished us all well. I remember fighting the urge to ask him if he was okay but I didn’t.

Sometimes, I wish I would’ve paid more attention. Was he trying to tell me that he was in pain and I was not paying attention enough to notice? If I had followed my gut and talked to him, would he still have made the same decision? I was a kid. How could I know? Yet, for some reason, there’s not one year that goes by where I don’t think about him. I wish I could tell him that I passed O. chem in college. He would rant about how hard the class was and how we would all eventually take it one day. I remember his lessons and our experiments. I can still smell the classroom. I close my eyes and I can see him standing at his podium. It had an A&M sticker on one side and a UT sticker on the other. He said he was a mutt since he went to both schools. I miss him. I wish I would’ve done something.

I can’t believe it’s my first time talking about how I feel about him. It’s been 9 years.

[Mary-intussuception]

I am so sorry for your loss of this good person in your life.

Regrets, 'what ifs' and guilt accompany grief. The tragic, sudden death of your teacher must have been so hard to bear, so unfair.

A kind, gifted person taken so young - but there is no guilt on your part.

I hope, after 9 years, and sharing this, you can move forward. Decide to live a full life & not let the negative attacks from others bring you down. Rise above them. Remember the kindness, goodness & inspiration you received from this lovely teacher.

Grieve him, but remember all the good things about him. Do something in his memory. Did anyone at the school organise a fund raiser to buy a park bench with a memorial plaque, for example?

[Racheezy in reply to Mary-intussuception]

No. They didn’t want word to get out about it being a suicide. The district was very hush hush about it. Since the rumors were so bad, we weren’t even allowed to make him a memorial page in our yearbook. The classroom we were in was closed for the remainder of the school year. They let us go in it once after the principal came with several counselors to talk about it. But that was pretty much it. None of us said a word. We just kind of walked through and cried. I actually work at the school now and can’t get myself to even go in that hallway.

[Mary-intussuception in reply to Racheezy]

Shame on the school for that attitude.

There's nothing to stop you organising some memorial outside school is there?

A park near where you live or he lived?