Heartbroken

[JM1064]

Hello all,

Please be sensitive with me regarding this topic. I don’t want to start a controversial conversation but am more so looking for some comfort and maybe reassurance as my emotions are all over the place.

My boyfriend of half a year recently betrayed me and broke my trust. At the very beginning of our relationship we agreed that watching porn was off limits. Two nights ago, a couple days after our six month anniversary, I found out he was in fact watching porn. I know that this is a topic up for debate, and some people may not think it is wrong, but my boyfriend and I agreed very early on that we thought it was in terms of our relationship. I immediately felt betrayed, damaged, and not to mention very insecure.

The most hurtful part was that he lied to me. Sure, I never would’ve found out, but I committed to my vow to not view these things meanwhile his promise was empty. I feel as if I’m not enough. When I confronted him, he continued to lie and tell me that he had not watched it. He was dishonest until I showed him what I had seen and then he immediately flipped the situation and told me it was my fault because he was unable to get turned on because of my sexual past, and how I had more partners than him (something he already knew also from the beginning and said he was okay with). I am beside myself and feel like this still isn’t real. He was such a good guy and I never expected something like this from him. Someone please help. I don’t want to turn to alcohol, not eating, not sleeping, and impulsive self-harm decisions like I feel myself slipping into. I don’t know how to get over him but I’m also not sure how I could ever trust him again. Does anyone have anything to say?

[hypercat54]

Yes. It's the oldest trick in the book. Someone breaks your trust then blames you for it. It's done all the time by people who haven't grown up and who refuse to take responsibility for their own behaviour. They twist everything to try and put you in the wrong instead.

There are 2 ways of dealing with it. 1. Walk away. 2 Absolutely refuse to be side tracked from the issue and resist all attempts to try and do so.

Recognise that you never forced him to do anything and only he is responsible for his actions.

[Dolphin14 in reply to hypercat54]

Great points my friend.

[Dolphin14]

I don't like the lieing part. You did it you own it.

Your relationship is still young. You are going to learn things about each other as you go. Trust is so important.

Pay close attention to his behavior and decide if this is how you want to live your life.

[Hidden]

The lieing is a no no. Relationships can overcome things like this, but it takes lots of communication, being able to forgive...and wait

...being able to forget as to not keep bringing it up and holding it over their head.

I’ve been married 23 years, can attest that in moments when we stopped communicating this could of been the demise of our relationship, but we’ve kept talking and still do. Even today we have to communicate well, I could have thrown my husband to the curb so many times in the past, heck even last week for that matter.

This is easier said than done, but fully understanding why he took to doing the one thing you talked about not doing and why he’s doing it. What might be missing for him to need to this? Why he couldn’t come to you and talk about it before engaging and then lieing about it?

All this saiid, I can’t tell you how many times people will do something wrong and blame you for it, I think it’s a coping mechanism, perhaps he’s always dealt with issues in this regard. I don’t know, but behavior changes take understanding and then setting boundaries. Breaking boundaries come with consequences, maybe he’s never have to deal with consequences.

I’ve got no real advise, just some points to take into consideration. You’re in a tough spot.

[fauxartist]

It’s called gas lighting....I agree with the lying and turning it around on you is wrong, so now you have to make a choice. It's obvious he is doing what he wants to do. Is there enough there between you that going to counseling may work out the rest, or is this the last straw.

[Dave_H in reply to fauxartist]

I agree with the last poster. You've put so much into this relationship. Not to defend him, but he must have been putting in something too, or you wouldn't still be together. He broke the rules. He also sounds as though he has some hangup about sex. I would strongly recommend couples counseling for the both of you. You would then have an impartial (hopefully) mediator to facilitate an open and honest and hopefully respectful conversation about this. I think it would be helpful for both of you, and you may come out the other side stronger than before.