The future

[jsamess]

I don't think I am scared of dying . I'm certainly scared of pain and not breathing . I had whooping cough about 30 years ago and each time it happened I felt this was going to be my last breath . I have reached a point where I am tired of living . Is it so bad to admit it as the future looks bleak . Nothing to do with the virus . I have always struggled to find things to fill my day up. I can't remember being truly happy. I think it's just something inside me . I have no close friends , no hobbies , no hopes and no dreams . My wife of 35 years no longer feels close and we don't understand each other . I'm truth we never did. This is not a plea for help . I am simply saying I cannot see the point and I maybe never did , james

[Agora1]

Hi jsamess, I think you can speak for most of us in that dying isn't the problem as

much as it is of the unknown before that. I've always believed that things in life

happen for a reason. And because of that we go on to see where that path takes

us. I hope you will stay safe and not do anything rash. We're all in this together.

You are not alone my friend xx

[jsamess in reply to Agora1]

Thank you for your kind words

[robbylynnofnm]

I've been in a dark dark place such as what you describe. I enjoyed nothing and shut down. Things that used to be enjoyable weren't and I was crying a lot. I thought of driving my van off the road and what it would be like to not have to struggle against the thoughts and pressure of just "being" It's not something you can explain to another person who really has never experienced that type of despair. I had it especially rough between 2008 and 2012. Those were some rough years. I lost my way, my happiness, my self-esteem and became this desperate, needy ball of blah. I just felt like I was nothing. I could do nothing. I felt nothing. I was completely numb. It's like a light went out of my soul and I couldn't turn it back on. It was a struggle to get better. I look back and from a tremendous amount of work and help from my psychiatrist(s) and therapist I recovered myself. I'm not the same person I was. I'm older and even though the light flickers and sometimes the flame is low I am still burning. Jsamess I hope you can find your's again. Or see it for the first time if you haven't ever felt it before. Life is so worth fighting for. I know what you say about this not being a plea for help. I get that. But you expressed yourself and that tells me you haven't stopped questioning. I hope you get to a better place in your mind and can begin to feel peace and find joy in something. Even the tiniest thing. This is one big world. I'm not ready to give up on us yet. Stay safe.

[jsamess in reply to robbylynnofnm]

Thank you for your kind words

[Cathy63]

I totally get it. My depression is like a roller coaster. Twenty years ago it was at it's worse and got better over time. Three years ago it was bad. Last year I was in good shape. This year it's gotten bad again. I'm now feeling extremely depressed by what's going on in the world, and the fear of not knowing if this virus is going to hit someone in my family is not helping.

[jsamess in reply to Cathy63]

Thank you for your kind words

[Alladin]

There was a stranger who came to our church one day and said the same thing that he can’t remember ever being truly happy. He grew up being put down and always looked at achievers and felt left behind. I said happiness comes from knowing where to look and appreciate what you see. If your happiness is at zero on a scale, you can take it up one notch just by realizing that you are not in pain, not bed bound, you have a job and a wife, you can eat a snack and walk around, go out and breathe fresh air, these are things you can appreciate as real blessings. Some people have breathing problems, ptsd, people all over the world only eat once a day or once every two days, no fresh water, rocked by wars and crime around them. Please do not take this the wrong way and I hope I don’t sound like I’m lecturing but we can control our happiness. There is always opportunity to take it to the next notch. Ignore the bad and the things you cannot control and appreciate what you have. I almost went blind and boy do I appreciate that I got fixed and can see things now. So much to thank for.

If you are clinically depressed I hope that you are getting professional help. But even then, just being positive can set you toward the right direction. You have no close friends , no hobbies , no hopes and no dreams. You can work on these one at a time, a little at a time by being happy through appreciating the little things around you. When you have a better outlook in life, people will want to hang around. Don’t compare your life to what others have and don’t wait for others to energize you.

[sweetiepye in reply to Alladin]

You make many good points Alladin .

[jsamess in reply to Alladin]

thank you for your kind words