I can’t open up..

[eega07]

I recently got into a new relationship. We’ve been together for a while now but I have never told him about my depression, anxiety, or meds. I hoped I would never need to, at least not anytime soon.

This past month I’ve been going through some serious med changes (really messes me up) and it’s been affecting our relationship. He’s noticed I’ve been uninterested sexually (a terrible side effect) and I’ve been distanced (due to mood swings). He thinks I’m losing interest in him and I can tell he’s getting frustrated.

I have a really bad fear of letting people in and I know it can be irrational. I know I need to tell him what’s going on with me, but I just don’t know if I’m ready yet. Any advice would be really appreciated.

[Hidden]

I think it's best to tell someone, especially when you are living together. I came clean about my depression with a close friend- it took awhile to get it out- but she was really good about trying to listen. I don't think she completely understands but that's o.k. , what really mattered to me was that she tried (and still does)

Of course my situation is rather different than yours, in that I have been friends with this person for 9 years. I didn't tell them such personal things until a few years in.

Maybe you could just let them in on the big picture and tell them so they can realize its not something they have done. Just find a time when neither of you are rushed.

Being open and sharing weakness with a trusted partner can add a layer of strength to a relationship!

[lostsoulwandering]

I'm sorry to hear you are in a tough situation. Honestly, you need to tell him. I can tell you from experience with my husband that it is far worse for him to believe you aren't attracted to him sexually than for him to know the truth. Men, though they don't want you know!, are very sensitive. He needs to understand what is really happen. Maybe show him some reading on the medication you are taking in order for him to see you are being honest and that he isn't the problem. I've changed meds a few different times and tell my husband to be a little extra understanding during those times. I have also stopped taking certain ones because they killed my sex drive and it wasn't worth added tension in my marriage. Explain to him that you want to be your best self and are working towards figuring out how to be that and if he doesn't respect that then he isn't right for you.

[Mushy2279]

If you plan on keeping this relationship going you really should tell him. Most people who have never dealt with these issues have no idea how debilitating they can be.

[luthien]

He sounds like he really cares, especially if he's noticed changes and wants to know what's going on.

Because he's already asking / worrying it's a good idea to tell him, you don't want to pass it off as you're okay, and then for it all to come up later when you're not in a great frame of mine because he'll feel hurt and rejected.

As difficult as it may be; probably have a chat with him, but possibly think about planning it out; maybe write a letter - I've found that really helps get my feelings in order and means I'm not forcing myself to tell them stuff and they're not feeling like they have to respond. You could start your letter with that you have problems, say what they are, how you feel, how you're finding it difficult to be open and why, then explain that he can ask anything he wants and you'll be honest, add in that hopefully you can work through this together; that you'd really like his support and as much as it's new to him it may be all new to you because you've never had to share your story with someone you care about.

May be mention you've written a letter and give it to him / leave somewhere you can tell him you've put it. Then let him read it, this will be the difficult part because we want to know when they've read it and what they think but we need to stay calm, they may read it right away and ask questions, they may read it right away and think about it for a week being distant, they may read it right away and just say nothing apart from hugs, they may not read it for a while because they're afraid of how they would respond. Either way we need to give them space which isn't easy! perhaps in a few days if they've not said anything just spend time focusing on non verbal stuff, hugs, getting yourself sorted.

Remember not to expect a certain response, it's easy for us to get so focused on how we hope they react, but they are their own person, they have their own feelings and ways of processing stuff so we need to try to stay neutral and just support them while they muddle through their own feelings.

I don't know if I'm much help but that's how I've been with my boyfriend (now hubby) in the past with any issues I had and he's said he always liked the letters because he likes the time to think about how he'd respond so he doesn't make stuff worse by saying something wrong xx

[JkBrauer]

Good Morning eega,

I understand the fear you feel, I have dealt with the fear in my own life as well. However, I have since learned that there is "no right time" you just have to jump in with both feet and start swimming.

When I was first starting to date my (soon to be) husband I did not want to let him know that I had epilepsy. I was afraid he would not want anything to do with me if he knew. BUT, life has a way of bringing out the truth one way or another. One day he picked me up for church and just about halfway there, you guessed it; I had a grand-mal seizure. He immediately pulled his truck over and stopped and demanded me to tell him "what in the world is going on?!" So, I told him that I have epilepsy and we had to discuss it right there on the side of the road. - I learned a few things about fear; - First: I was a very extremely quiet and shy person, I always looked down on myself. Nobody would ever understand me. I had the "Poor Me" syndrome. Second: I was never going to get anywhere in life if I did not find a way to grow in confidence and become an overcomer.

Third: I learned that "FEAR" is all in the attitude of my life- "anxiety/worry, stress, busyness... these are all things that grow the word "FEAR" into our lives.

How do we get rid of FEAR? Here is what I learned; I need to make time to take time to spend in the quietness of the morning and purposefully say "Good Morning" with a smile and say I am going to enjoy this day! Here are some quotes and saying that I have used over the years to help jump start my days. 1). "Success is 90% Attitude and 10% Knowledge" -Thomas Edison, 2). "Greatness Is Revealed Mainly In Our Attitude." - Unknown. 3). "Faith Is Being Sure Of The Unseen". -Hebrews 11:1, 4). "Faith- Overcome- Christ Centered-Undergoing transformation- Significance/Successful. And # 5). Prayer Is... "Asking God To Align Us With His Will, Rather Than Asking Him To Be Aligned With Ours."

I hope something here will be helpful to you!