Feeling like im failing

[SassyTasha0409]

Lately i have been battling with myself. The last 4 years have been really rough and it feels like the waves just keep on coming. I lost my husband 4 years ago on the 2nd of March. Ever since he died its been a constant struggle. I felt so alone, his family pushed me away because i didnt feel up to "family" dinners. They couldn't understand why sitting there with all of them hurt me because they all had their spouses and there i was all alone. My parents moved right after his funeral and all my friends didnt help because drinking and partying was all they felt would help cope. After a lot of searching and moving on my own I became closer to a friend. Things moved rather quickly into a relationship that soon after a few months became abusive both mentally and physically. He would constantly throw my late husband in my face saying it was my fault for his death, even though he died in his sleep due to a major heart attack. He than began to hit me and I felt trapped. Nobody would believe me because of his ties to the community as being this wonderful person for all the coaching he would do for the community for 8+ years. It got so bad where i thought the only way out was taking my life, so i took a lot of pills and ended up hurting myself in the long run. They found the pills caused a blockage in my colon which lead to emergency surgery and i am left with an Ileostomy bag that is temporary until i can get it reversed. That eats at my confidence all the time. I dont ever feel confident in myself. Each day just feels like im being consumed. I feel like i cannot talk to my family because they when i needed them the very most, they left.

[Bilqis]

Tasha, I’m really glad that you opened up and spoke out your situation, and I followed you hoping that you will someday share how you got through it on your own and how you found along the way good friends to support you! Please take a kind care of yourself for me!

[Fireking1]

Hi sassytasha! I too was in a gaslighting relationship where outwardly this charmer seemed likeable but I knew the truth as I was the one with him,are you still in this damaging relationship with him? I'm so sorry about the loss of your husband and I noted you said after a lot of searching you started a relationship, that shows you know how to work on yourself which is so powerful.Its unfortunate this new man has rocked your self esteem especially when you thought you had found some support but you clearly have the strength in you to get through this stage. The fact you are here talking about it helping others relate is amazing and I thank you. Keep working on you and hopefully your day to day will become better. Good luck and I wish you well,keep opening up on here please.

[SassyTasha0409 in reply to Fireking1]

No i managed to get away from him. While in the hospital recovering i opened up to a nurse who told security he wasn't allowed in the building. One friend of mine flew my mom in. I spent 5 days in the hospital and in that time my mom and friends packed up my 1 bedroom apartment and when i was able to leave, i actually moved down south to my parents house where i stayed until i got back on my feet. Sitting in that hospital made me realize i cant put myself back into that toxic environment

[Fireking1 in reply to SassyTasha0409]

That was so brave and so strong. Sometimes this anxiety and depression can trick us into forgetting that we had the guts and the wisdom to change our lives for the better then and we can do it again.Good for you.