I’ll start off by saying that I don’t have many friends. I regret developing the habit of only being able to develop friendships with mutual friends. I have a great deal of anxiety around making new friends, and when I’ve tried it hasn’t led anywhere, so I just haven’t been able to or really tried lately.
I have 2 friends that I talk to daily. We’re all college students at community college. We go to the same school but different campuses, so I rarely see them in real life. Recently we got into some stupid things, as college students tend to do, and one of these friends called in the ER. Now we’ve gotten back our bills, and the friend who called in owes $600 because she’s uninsured, the other only owes $15 because she’s insured, and I owe $1,200 because my insurance will only cover $400. Not only am I pissed at the unfairness, but I have plenty of other monetary things to worry about, not to mention classes I have to do well in.
When I was expressing my stress and feeling overwhelmed in the group chat, one friend didn’t even answer and the other tried to turn it into a joke without even acknowledging what was obviously a cry for help.
I’m in deep with this, and I really don’t ******* know what to do.
The friend who called in the ambulance has been my friend since 7th grade. Looking back on it, I’ve only ever been the one to console her. She’s used me as someone to lean on as she’s been depressed, complaining to me endlessly without attempting to change her situation until very recently. I don’t mind at all being a support system to a friend, no matter how frustrating it can be, but it really ******* sucks when that doesn’t go both ways. For all the times I would give her a reality check and try to come up with solutions for her, all I’ve ever gotten when I’ve presented a problem, physical or emotional, is little more than a “lol that sucks.” Like yeah, I know it does. Mind helping to talk me through it? Mind giving me useful feedback?
I guess this is in part happening because of my obvious inability to express myself truly. I come from a background of domestic violence, substance abuse and emotional neglect that I should really be in therapy for but can’t for financial reasons. The old friend knows this and probably feels like she can’t talk to me about it because I act like I don’t want to. But that’s never stopped me from helping her. She always says I can talk to her about things, but when I do she gives very little feedback. This makes me feel like she doesn’t actually give a **** and is only doing it to make herself feel better.
I haven’t talked about this with them or anyone really. I don’t think I have a support network that I could speak to. That’s why I joined this app.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the toxic friend, but other times I feel like these people are absent emotionally or even holding me back. I bounce back between my instincts to be fiercely loyal and show love through service and completely cutting people out of my life. It’s a constant struggle in my head. I don’t even know how to let people help me, because I was conditioned as a kid to think that talking about my negative emotions or crying or asking for help makes me weak and a disgrace to me family.
Friends with Benefits
The overwhelming friend. 
Depressed with no friends
No friends FOREVER ALONE!!
friends 
