About me- long post

[LalaE92]

My name is Lala and I’m 28 years old. I’m impulsive when it comes to putting others ahead. I struggle with my anxiety and I get extreme lows. Let me explain- in 2011 I was diagnosed as bipolar and in 2016 with anxiety, depression, and ptsd. I come from a family that doesn’t believe in mental health issues and that basically I just need to deal with it and move on. To be very honest I don’t blame my grandmother because she was raised in a very catholic household in Veracruz where honestly respect came from holding in your emotions and never questioning your parents or any adult. Different times is what I’m saying. I’ve been molested and abused (physically and verbally). I come from a broken home but I never knew it was broken until about 10 years old where I realized my dad didn’t live at home and my “mom” was actually my grandma. I knew she was my grandma but I didn’t fully accept the fact that my biological mother abandoned her own daughters. I started coming to terms with a few things about my life. My dad all of a sudden had a new family and I had a brother. I remember feeling nothing about the information but remember acting out and feeling like god gave me the short stick in life. No one told me this was normal and I didn’t have someone walk me through my emotions because all I knew was if I was bad I would get to see my dad and if I asked questions about my real mom I would get my ass handed to me by my dad. As I got older I was basically a mess. I was a shit kid and fought with everyone in my family but I also got “disciplined”. I can say I grew up in a situation where I know for a fact I never got spanked I would get beat. I was told every day that I was stupid, a Pendeja, I was just like my mom, and I was useless. So I became hard to handle. I hated school because I was bullied by teachers. I wasn’t as smart as my sisters. So I never tried to prove anyone wrong. I gave up before my life even started. At 15 I started smoking to pass the time and by 16 i transitioned to weed. It helped since I was bouncing from home to home. I started drinking by 17 to cope with my anger. I dropped out of school by 18. At this point I was as low as I was ever going to feel (so I thought) and I was just smoking and drinking heavily to keep all the bad feelings away. I was living with a friend and her family while studying for my ged at age 19 but I met someone who gave me an opportunity to feel like I owned something. I started a relationship with guy named Adrian he moved me in with him within a week of knowing each other and for a while things seemed great... until I realized his ex girlfriend whom was much older than I still went over to see him and his family. Like a domino effect; he was cheating on me and if I questioned it or got upset about it I would get beat. Like a cliché I gave him chances and kept going back because I thought what I felt for him was love. For two and a half years it went on like that. Please don’t judge me because I tried several times to leave and actually went to living with my best friend that lived 45 minutes away then to my aunts house until I finally left to a city 3/4 hours away. Adrian always found me and would cry and convince me to be with him and how he would change. I even called the cops on him once! His mother hated me for it and said I lived there because her son wanted me there but she didn’t have to feed me. So I actually lost so much weight because I wasn’t really eating anymore. I tried to help myself out of a situation but since I went right back I felt like I deserved it. When I finally left I was in San Antonio and I finally received my ged in 2013 and started college. I was living with my dad and working part time at the college. I was still smoking and drinking but not as much and I felt like my life was turning for the better. November 2014 I met my daughters father and we started a relationship and that too was abusive, manipulating, and controlling. I had to be the one working all the time and when I got pregnant the first time he made me feel like I was worthless, useless, and everything I did was wrong. I got really sick and I couldn’t work and he made it know that he felt I was just being lazy. I ended up losing my baby and through it all I felt so alone. I ended up leaving him but since I fall for sweet words a day later I was back with him and endured working two jobs providing for us while he was having trouble keeping a job. I cared about him and I didn’t want us to become homeless. I didn’t want him to struggle because I knew what it felt like to not know where you were going to stay next. Eventually things got really bad our arguments and his cheating. I started defending myself during physical fights until one night (our last one together) it ended with him breaking a mirror over my head and his step dad trying to beat me up. I felt defeated and so all I could do was yell and try to defend myself and that probably made things worse. After a week he apologized and we kept in contact. We didn’t get back together but we were still intimate with each other. March 2016 I found out I was pregnant and that was a spiral of bad news for me. It was a high risk pregnancy. Rumors about me going around that weren’t true. My depression at this point was more than I could handle and I didn’t know how to feel about my pregnancy. A lot went through my mind- I didn’t know if I could make it as a mom. I kept doubting myself and my worth. I had no strength and considered all my options but felt guilty about every single one. Her dad went back in forth with me saying how he missed me, wanted to be together, and he would send me pictures of wedding rings. He was still in a relationship with a girl I couldn’t bring myself to help... she asked me for advice and told me how he was treating her and I couldn’t help but be cruel. I couldn’t help but feel like she deserved it but I actually told her to just leave him or put up with the way he is but if she loved herself she would leave him. After my daughter was born I struggled with myself and my thoughts but I was happy to be a mom. Things with her dad were too complicated so eventually I left San Antonio and came back home where I tried to get my life together. I started working because I was staying with my best friend and she had lost her job due to a back injury and so she would babysit my daughter while I keep a roof over our heads. I tried my best to hold myself together this time but it was usually crying myself to sleep and waking up trying to go about the day without feeling a bit of helpless. Fast forward two years and a bunch of drama. I’m living on my own and taking care of my daughter. I’m feeling better about myself but I’m still dealing with mistrust and anxiety about being alone and doing things by myself. I get nightmares about my past or losing my daughter. I meet someone and we have our ups and downs but it feels normal. At this point I have a lot of fears and I keep pushing him away because what if it’s too good to be true. I don’t have the best luck. Something happens and he tells me crying how much he loves me and that it hurts him that I push him away so it clicks and I make changes and I let myself be in this relationship with him. It’s been a year and 5 months and now I’m all in and back to feeling insecure and everything I do is wrong. Our roles reversed and he’s pushing me away... I feel like somehow I ruin everything and on top of that all the drama my daughter’s father created made things so much worse for me. I know I’m not perfect and I deal with things by communicating as soon as there is an issue... but I can’t help but feel maybe there is something I’m not doing enough. I speak my mind now when I’m hurt and acknowledge when I’ve made a mistake or if I’m flat out wrong. I always apologize and mean it. I take time to listen and understand the other person’s point of view. I’ve grown so much... I just don’t have anyone to talk to. I deal with so much internal shit.

[EleanorRose]

Hey LalaE92

We are the same age, I’ve had quite a lot of my own difficulties but I can’t imagine having been through so much!

This sounds like a lot you have had to deal with. I find really difficult things happen in life sometimes and the added combination of mental health issues exacerbate the problem.

Have you ever spoken to anyone professionally? Do you think some sort of talking therapy might help?

[LalaE92 in reply to EleanorRose]

Yes, twice. I always got a “and how does that make you feel” response. I am trying again though and have made an appointment for the 28th.

[EleanorRose in reply to LalaE92]

Im glad you’re giving it another try with the therapist. You definitely have to find one who is the right fit. There are so many different types of therapist with so many different approaches but, as my current therapist has said (and I do agree), it is the therapist-client relationship that does the most good.

I’ve had 3 different therapists over the years - first one I really loved at the time, I was younger then, she was probably in her late 50s/early 60s and she was very warm and maternal (not sure if I’d still like her now) which I suppose was what I needed at the time.

I then had another therapist. It makes me want to laugh now but it was awful. First session she made me draw a tree which she then ‘analysed’ - I’d drawn a little hole in the middle to put a squirrel, then thought I was taking too long so ditched the squirrel and quickly drew a bird on one of the branches. She then interpreted this as me feeling like I had a void inside me and was out on a limb by myself.

She also asked me to pick a number between 1-10 (I picked 9 because my birthday is on the 9th) - she told me something awful happened to me when I was 9 (it didn’t and no matter how much she made me think about it, I couldn’t think of anything!)

She’d get up mid session and water plants, get a drink, go to the toilet etc.

There were lots of other little things like that and I knew from the first session that approach wasn’t for me. However, I think I had about 10 sessions and it did almost put me off therapy forever.

I’m rambling a bit so I’ll make this short but my current therapist is kind of everything on paper I would have thought I didn’t want before I started with her. Turns out, she’s by far the best! So don’t give up, find someone who works best for you. Therapy is a great tool if you can find the right therapist.

[LalaE92]

Thank you so much I appreciate it!!