Why can’t I have joy? Meet Dulci.

Please meet Ducli. Her name is derived from the Italian phrase la dolce vita, which means the sweet life... dulci is my girlfriends and mine new golden retriever that we are getting March 1st. We picked her from the litter Saturday. I felt nothing as the puppies cuddled to me. I’m not even excited. All I want to do is sleep. I can’t leave my friend now with all this responsibility. I’m so sad. And the two Golden’s we currently have will need even more love and they love me and will never forget me. And I can’t hurt them by leaving them. But I think of dying all the time through the day. My therapist knows. My family dr knows. I have phone numbers etc. I just feel tired and blank... I should feel love. I hope Dulci, sweetie makes me come around, we are visiting her on Saturday. And get her in 19 days.

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The breeder is holding her not me,... hahahahaha that’s what we call straight people too! I’d be dead if it weren’t for my sense of humor, I swear , great defense mechanism....

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I don’t know you but your post worries me so much for you. I get having all the resources and still feeling that deep dark feeling. I’ve been there. I’ve found that the only thing that really helps is reaching out for help and not hiding or holding the secret on your own. No matter how dark things seem, there is always someone there that wants to help. Even a beautiful puppy. Share your secrets with that furry beautiful creature. They will just love you 💛

[Ilovemydogandmycat]

I know this is going to sound awful...but for me, "fake it till you make it" actually has helped. Acting like I feel something, thinking about what I should be feeling (or rather, what I think I would like to be feeling) under the circumstance then choosing to interact with the world accordingly actually has helped. Not easy, and it was impossible to keep it up for long, but I got through a very difficult time in my life that way. One day at a time, or rather one moment at a time was all I could handle but that is how I got through it.

[Hidden in reply to Ilovemydogandmycat]

Thank you, you are right. Fake it til you make it certainly has merit. I have been doing that for others I am around periodically. Something must be clicking internally. Some other people may be hurt by my departure. They can’t drive, open jars, Aunt is learning disabled her boyfriend is blind, etc... I’m needed for stuff I guess. Thank you for the reminder, it is a good saying to remember,

[BetaTogetha]

Laughter can be hard at times, but it is truly therapeutic. When I really need to feel, I look for jokes on the internet. Or “hilarious text autocorrects” Those will always make me roll around laughing and I end up feeling more joy.

[BetaTogetha in reply to BetaTogetha]

Also it helps if you take pressure off yourself. Don’t tell yourself what you should be feeling. Those expectations make it even harder to truly feel our experiences in a genuine way.

[Hidden in reply to BetaTogetha]

Yes typos are the best; and I am truly the hunt and peck typo queen. The things that come out of my finger tips are hysterical, plus I’m too impulsive too to proof read. So I am always sticking my foot in my mouth! Hunting for an edit button calling myself an idiot, not the brilliant savant kind, either.. just the dumb kind...

[LadyZen]

Awww! Dulci is adorable! I met someone at the dog park that told me she was severely depressed until she met her dog at the rescue. The dog she adopted turned out to be full of energy and so happy, it forced her go out to exercise her. I hope your new addition will be as life changing.

[Hidden in reply to LadyZen]

Thank you, I will keep that in mind. Dulci can bring good into my life. I will look for it when she comes. Perhaps making it a journal topic.

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A pet is one of the most enriching relationships one can have in life, I hope Dulci brings you happiness and peace.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much, I am trying. Looking at her pic a lot. Holding my dogs. I’m so shut off from feeling. Might be the meds of my condition, who knows anymore?

Thanks for well wishes. I suppose I am fortunate. Thanks so much for this reply. I really needed this. It’s 1am here. Struggling to get to sleep