At the risk of being Such a Girl About This, the hardest social media posts for me to see aren't the ones of people in amazing locations or showing off a ride in a private jet, the hardest ones are the pictures of people that were clearly taken by their loving partner. It's the look of love that you see couples give each other frozen in time. A person never looks better than when they have been photographed that way. It's a stinging reminder that no one has ever looked at me that way, it's a whole part of life that I don't get to participate in and it makes me feel....less human. It's a whole conversation I can't have with other people because I'm ashamed to be this old without ever going out on one date, it's a whole section of the human experience that my stupid worthless self doesn't get. It's not going to happen, I've heard the whole "It happens when you aren't looking" and I promise you, I never looked because I was assured that everyone gets at least one love story even if it's not meant to last. 46 year old nobodies don't get amazing love stories. It's something too painful to talk about with my parents, I don't have friends and I know that I'm no one's idea of fun (really, a friend I once had even said I was no fun). I ache with this knowledge and it gets harder every year to smile for other people's happiness in this area because it's not ever going to be mine.
I'll Never Be The Girl in the Photo - Anxiety and Depre...
I'll Never Be The Girl in the Photo
Hello alonensad,
I saw from your previous posts that you're new to the HealthUnlocked community and that you recently celebrated a birthday, so I wanted to welcome you to the forum and I hope you had a decent birthday.
Though you may be dispirited now, take heart: I don't think one can ever be too old to be loved. And from this 47-year-old guy's perspective, there's hopefully still much more time for relationships to take root and blossom.
Of course there's no telling if there's an amazing love story around the corner, but the possibility of love in its many forms is always within our grasp.
Do you have any interests or passions that bring you joy on your own?
Thank you for the reply. I enjoy going to the ballet and the theater, I usually go by myself.
Reading the exchanges downthread, I realized that, however unintentional, my comment was clumsily dismissive of something that you've expressed is painful to you, and I apologize.
Try and remember that those jet setting photos are put there for attention.
No one knows what's going on behind the scenes of those pictures. Life may be totally different in their " real" world.
No couple is going to show a picture of unhappiness either.
These are a couple reasons I don't use social media.
I do believe sometimes people find chemistry when they aren't looking. But, I know that's no comfort when you feel sad and lonely.
Don't listen to people that say you are boring. That's a rude thing to say, get rid of them.
What are you doing to put yourself out there? You have to be proactive. Dating sites are very popular now. Have you tried that?
I hope someday soon you find someone that you can share your life with. Stay positive. You are still young.
As a rule I do not have photos of myself online and that would rule out dating sites for me. I'm not interested in them at all, it could be a generational thing because I know people have success on them. Women over 40, generally don't. A lot of abusive stuff gets hurled around those sites and I'm not in a place where that would be healthy for me. I know that people edit their online photos but I have nothing, not a single relationship at all. Some things just aren't meant to be.
I wasn't thinking about the safety issue which wasn't very smart on my part.
I don't believe In all that editing stuff. It's just another one of those fake things like on Facebook.
Live for you. Don't get wrapped up in this. I know you feel empty. Mayb getting to know yourself on a deeper level will help you.
What about starting by just talking to someone on a dating site? It doesn’t have to be about dating... that’s an awful lot of pressure to put on your self. How about talking to someone that you share interests with? It may allow you to get comfortable with the idea itself. You could also bu talking to someone that your world of interests open just a bit wider which will just increase the pool.
I have been told I’m boring but I just decided that I don’t think I’m boring.... I am introverted and quite happy to be at home alone. Less pressure as I can bum around in comfy clothes doing what I want.
Have you thought about checking out YouTube for videos about different hobbies, lifestyles or things people do... it may help you find something you never thought you would be I interested in.
Btw people who post the so called “perfect couple” pics on social media are never perfect! Even the most perfect women have anxiety, insecurities and problems like everyone else. Look at Hollywood people, how many stay happily married etc? Divorces, infedelity seems to be rampant. The grass is not always greener on the perfect side of life.
Have u ever considered that if the couple is so perfect then why isn’t he in pic with her? Maybe she is demanding that he take pics of her constantly until she settles on 1 to post.... you don’t know what she is like irl. People can fake smiles, happiness as well.
If you think something is never gonna happen well then the vibe you send out could possibly say this.... please learn to love yourself as how can you love someone else if you do not start with you first. I saw an interview with a writer on YouTube last night... the book is called love yourself like your life depends on it by kamal ravikant. I read a preview online and am going to pick this up for myself.... the interview was on glen beck’s you tube channel. The author was very inspiring.... may be with a look at least. I know this is something I need help with.... it’s worth a try at least.
It's not the perfect couple pic that gets to me, it's when someone is photographed by someone who is in love with them that I find both beautiful and heartbreaking for me. Couple pics are a dime a dozen but when a person is photographed by someone who is deeply in love with them....you can see it reflected in the eyes of the person being photographed as well as the overall impression of the photo. There really should be a photography book of nothing but photos of people that were taken by their significant others. It hurts to see because I've never been looked at that way but it's also lovely to see that other people get to experience it. I saw one last night of a woman's naked back taken by her husband and it's absolutely breathtaking. It's a level of intimacy to allow oneself to be photographed with so much vulnerability that I find intoxicating. The trust and the closeness that comes off in these photos is next level and I would love just one photo of me with that look of pure contentment and joy.
I don't believe in the adage that one must love oneself first because often we NEED another person's love to learn how lovable we are. It's a twisted thorn that tells people they need to reach some unreachable level of self love before we are worthy of being loved by others and it's wrong. Broken people fall in love everyday, sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. I read a gorgeous essay by a man who has a partner with severe depression, so severe that he has had to deal with some suicide attempts but he loves this person and he does the work because the person is worth it in his eyes. It's selfish, sure but I want someone to help me do the work.
Dating sites are a no go for me, I don't think they are safe at all. My father is a retired cop and I've heard too many nightmare scenarios for me to ever venture online that way. I keep everything locked down tight.
I get what you are saying... but you don’t know the pic is taken by a sig other. You are assuming this and beating yourself up with this. I get it... I have had same feelings. The book I was talking about is written by a guy who was successful, lost it all, got into drugs, attempted suicide, was abused etc as a child. It is not an adage... it’s a frame of mind. You can not rely on someone else to give you value as you must value yourself to ensure you are getting the right value. Sounds silly but honestly it’s very true. I have been thru 2 very physically and emotional abusive relationships in the past. Since I did not value or love myself I thought I deserved this treatment. Only when I started to love, respect and value myself could I even find the strength to leave, walk away.
How can somebody reassure you of your worth if you feel worthless or unworthy? Is this not an immense amount of pressure to put on them? A relationship is about give and take, partnership, companionship and shared interests but it’s also healthy to have lives outside the
relationship.
At least listen to the interview before making up your mind about what you say that the other half is supposed to prop up your worthiness because you don’t think loving yourself, being able to see positive things about you, your interests is important.
I do not mean to sound blunt but I have been where you are and only learned after many trips to ER and tears.... in order to be valued you must value yourself.
We have differing views on this and that is fine. To me, self love is not a thing that I think is 100% necessary to have in order to be valued as a loving partner. Some people may think differently which is also fine. I have never done drugs nor was I abused at all, which is not to say that what the man says has no value, it's just not where I am in my life. I think the self love movement has gotten a bit out of hand quite frankly and it has become something that is as idealized as a perfect loving relationship. We may not always love ourselves but that doesn't mean we aren't worthy of love.
I know who took the photo because the person is credited with taking it. Does that mean their relationship is paradise at all time? Of course not. It's a moment but it's a gorgeous moment, the kind of photo you pass on down in a family because it's so beautiful. Photos like this existed before social media, there is a lovely photo that my uncle took of my aunt, his future wife, on a date that is so tender that I can see every wrinkle on the picture's surface even now, so many years after they have both passed on. How people see us matters, at least it does to me.
Then try putting out a more positive vibe. Try thinking that you are alonensad but still hopeful.
Think of it like this...... would you go to the ballet in wrinkled stained PJs? If that is the vibe you are putting out how can you expect to be valued?
The issue with imo with seeking your worth value from someone else’s eye is that it can create an emotional co- dependence so that if the relationship does not work out you lose all the worthiness you got from that person instead of giving yourself that worthy feeling.
I’m honestly speaking from experience. The way you are approaching this potentially is a) dangerous b)not healthy emotionAlly for you c) setting yourself up to be hurt, not treated well and not giving yourself a true measure of what you really have to offer if you see yourself thru someone else,
The point was not to have experienced what writer went thru... it’s about if he can turn it around, come back from that perhaps I can as well. I have no issue agreeing to disagree about this but keep an open mind. Life and what we think we know is not black and white. Sometimes lightbulb moments can surprise u when you leave doors open a little.
Stop comparing yourself to others.... learn to be comfy with you. Make a list of what you have to offer someone instead of dwelling on what you do not have.
I take a lot of pride in my appearance, maybe too much. I make it a point to dress well whenever I go out because I enjoy clothes and putting together outfits. On the other hand, I am extremely shy and introverted to a fault, I'm sure I would be diagnosed with some sort of avoidant personality disorder if I managed to seek help. From what I've read, folks with my condition do not make for clingy partners, most of us end up pushing partners away by being emotionally unavailable. I've never put too much on others, I avoid people to the point where they think I don't care. I know you are trying your best to help me, but all I really wanted to do was talk about a feeling I have, a deep sadness about a life event that I'm not going to get to take part in and it's lovely that people want to help but I was only trying to get this out because I've never mentioned to anyone and it felt nice to write it out and see it for myself.
I get shy and introverted all too well. I also get avoiding people completely. You are not alone there. I do not like small talk much.
Glad you got it out. It honestly really makes me sad to hear the sadness and despair I heard from your words is all.
Hi I feel for you, but the sad fact is nothing is going to change unless you make it happen. What small things can you do to start making changes? Have a good think about this and don't forget little changes eventually become big ones.
The ideal way to start would be to get some medical help but if this is too difficult there is plenty of advice online. Look at self help YouTube videos.
I'm sure that there are people who are capable of overhauling themselves in their 40's but I don't see it happening for me. Most days it's hard enough to get out of bed. Thank you for reading.
I didn't say 'overhauling' I said small changes. I have been where you are and so have many of us and I speak from experience. First you have to start changing your mindset and decide that you want to live and experience good things in life. The alternative is to carry on as you are. Only you can do it. It doesn't sound like you are ready to hear this yet though so I will bow out.
I hope you don't think I was being snippy. I don't think people are comfortable with other people not believing in love for themselves because they think that those of us who do not see it happening for ourselves are invalidating that love being out there for them. It's hurtful to be my age and never having felt what it feels like even to fall in love, to know that someone else finds me attractive and desirable....I think trauma is too big a word for it but I don't know what else to call it. This isn't a college age kid or even a thirty year old feeling this pain, I'm 46 for sure halfway through with my life and I've never held someone's hand or picked out an outfit for a date. It's swirling around in my head a lot and I know you are trying to help but it's not going to be small changes. It would have to be an overhaul and I'm not capable of that, maybe you are or you know people who are and I love that the possibility is there for you or those you know. Just maybe when someone says it's not happening for them, it's ok to respect them for that even if it's not what you personally experienced or believe.
No you were fine. I just thought I wasn't helping. I was just trying to say that one small change can lead to another and together they will lead to big changes, or in your words an overhaul. But you have to start somewhere to activate the process.
By the way I am I my 60's and I did this. It's like a domino effect. x
I have to believe my first true love is out there. I’m 42 and I’ve never been truly in love. My entire life I have sought love from others outside my family with friends or with a man but I still feel alone. Somehow I find it comforting to know you are out there and want the same thing so badly. I’ll be your friend💛
Thanks. I really hope your person is out there!
Thank you. I hope so too. I don’t do any social media as a rule because I know my depression would be triggered reading about others and seeing their photos but I did get sucked into online dating constantly. For about the last 6 years after my divorce from my ex husband that was critically injured in the war, I was constantly meeting new men but I could never connect. That was when I realized my depression is a huge secret that has been stopping me from being able to love someone. I’ve never truly loved myself. Since December of 2019 I have vowed to engage in life and leave my constant busy life of superficial online dating. It has been tough to break that habit but being on here for the past couple of days has been really helpful. I know when I do meet someone in real life, I will need to let them know the real me and my depression and anxiety. I’m not always fun either but I think that’s ok. Someone who will truly love us will accept all of us💛
Online dating would be a huge no no for me, I don't allow any photos of myself online. The abuse that gets hurled at women over 35 would put me in a bad place. I'm pulling for your happiness. Love is not in the cards for me, it's something I've come to understand but I hope it's there for you.
I debated about using my real photo here but being proud of me physically at age 42 has been a long process. It may not help and maybe this is my own stuff talking but I’m going to stay hopeful for you. You are welcome to PM me if you need to just share💛
I love your way of thinking, I feel a lot like you. If we were friends we would get along pretty good. I don't hide my anxiety anymore either, my friends, the real ones, know about it and accept me like that, my kids are the same, they know everything and because they unfortunately know what is depression and anxiety they understand me and are always trying to help, that's real love. They all know I have my good and bad days
Thanks that means a lot to me. Recently I had a “friend” tell me I was weird for thinking so deeply. They suggested I just let go and have fun. That was so strange to me because this is who I am all the time. I like to think I’m fun but I’m very introspective and I love hearing others’ stories too. I feel like we would get along too 😊
Your friend is the weird because do not understand you, good friends take the time to put themselves in your shoes. I am introverted too, but I like to laugh, make jokes, most people find me a good company and I love to make friends and treat people with respect. That's why is so sad for me to have this illness, but as long there's life there's hope.
That brings tears to my eyes because I completely agree. Thank you 💛
Dont feel sad even lovers and couples dont have a good love story to tell.. it ain't always butterflies and rainbows.. your true love will come soon one day, sorry it cant be me , I know its gonna be a bummer not having me , but somebody special will come make you happy. I will pray for your happiness.
That's sweet. Thank you.
Hi and welcome! Quite honestly I have found social media very toxic and have basically gotten away from the "friends " who post all those wonderful and happy pictures of their days and activities and in private they are not happy. I believe it is a face they put on to either portray that their lives are wonderful or they are trying to convince themselves otherwise. Please remember, you never know what goes on behind closed doors of those individuals that post those happy photos.
Thank you for reading and the response.
I feel you. I am in my 50s and is not that easy on this age to find someone, but I know few people that have and I am open to the possibility of find someone again, but on the other hand I am also aware that probably won't happen. try to find a friend to talk to and spend time with, I am concentrated more in that than to find a romantic partner, maybe after the friendship something else grow, you are still young and probably you don't see yourself beauty. I wish you the best
Thank you very much. I do not have friends either and that is also a problem for me. I do not connect with people and I have become more and more isolated as I get older.
I will be your friend. Reading your posts is like reading my own thoughts. I get that lonely yearning and pushing people away. You can say anything here. Let’s do it together. You deserve to be seen 💛
Yearning is only good in movies and novels, in real life it sucks. Being seen is so important, I feel like I disappear in every room I walk into and that I have already been forgotten by most of the people who have met or known me. Let's try and do this together.
We got this friend. We are in this together😊💛💪🏼
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