Finally admitted the bad, ugly, sad path to realizing I messed up and needed help....

[CanuckAnon]

So new here. My story is complicated, messy and emotional... I was hurt at work in early 2015, I ended up working thru pain after physio was discontinued by workers compensation as I supposedly should have healed🤨. I had migraines, couldn’t bear lights, was dizzy, ears were ringing and so on. Aug of 2015 my body finally gave out as I could not take pain any longer- I ended up having seizures. Short hospital stay didn’t result in diagnosis except being labeled a drug addict for asking for CBD vs Morphine they were gladly handing me. Finally got an appt at pain specialist 8 months later who read notes forwarded from hospital and proceeded to check me for track marks instead of looking for causes of pain. 🤨 told me pain was all in my imagination. I explained I did not want narcotics but wanted a prescription for CBD not even THC. She refused and referred me to a psychiatrist.... waiting list again 9 months later I hear from psychiatrist at a hospital in town, I was turned down for service. At this point I am unable to work, have no income coming in, bills piling up.... my partner was getting frustrated to all ends bcuz everywhere we turned fir help I was turned down. He saw the pain I was in as he had to carry me around, pick me up when i fell (dizzy and nausea). My GP finally got me into a doctor who could prescribe me CBD... Tried it and wow 1st time in almost 2.5 years I felt normalish as I could control my pain. It of course not covered by drug plan so relief was short lived. I had been feeling useless as I did not have any money coming in, felt helpless and was starting to lose hope. I gave up at this point. I withdrew from life as the pain controlled me.

I laid on the couch for the next year in pain, doing nothing, would not ask for help, would accept very little help offered, would not leave house as I saw no point in it as it only made pain hurt more. I started loosing weight while eating potato chips, granola bars- easy food. I was a lump on the couch... the fire inside me had burnt out. I did not even notice what it was doing to those around me. Tbh I didn’t care. It was all about how much pain I was in and how I couldn’t change it or get CBD regularly. I was asked constantly if I was depressed... I denied and refused medication. Refused everything and everyone. I was in pain constantly and nobody got it.... so I thought. My GP got me into another pain specialist who said the magic words... I believe you and will treat your pain. I started nerve blocks they worked for 5 days at a time which was great. It’s late 2018 now I started to notice some of the destruction that had resulted from my denial of depression and anxiety.

My partner had withdrew emotionally from our relationship which made me feel guilt, financially we were depleted as I still did not have any income. He had been saying we should sell house and move. This scared me, made me guiltier and feel so useless and a victim more. I withdrew and headed to couch again in 2019. I gave up going to doctors because I figured that I was saving gas money to get me to doctors. I would not turn heat on so I could save money as I felt like a lump that cost money I could not contribute to. I live in Canada which has winter so heat is necessary. My partner bless him tried to reach me, get help, find answers/solutions. He gave up again. He started to get depressed so he got help.... he emotionally detached and I still did not notice. By May of 2019 I half woke up and decided to get off the couch, I would do 1 thing per day... I tried to fight back but fear overwhelmed me, I refused to leave house but I was stubborn to prove that I could do everything myself - I did not need help because I was not depressed it was only pain in my mind. I pushed myself to the point I was needing to be carried around again.... this frustrated my partner who has still stuck by me.

I got insecure, anxious and yes was depressed... the pain still there but I denied the rest still. My partner had had it.... he was livid with me for basically shoveling all responsibility onto him while I ignored everything. I refused to do my taxes as they were overwhelming, I refused home support as I did not want to have to get up, shower or talk to anyone. I ignored my phone, family, life in complete stubbornness. He started going out with friends as he could not watch me anymore. I imagine now that it must have killed him to see me like this....

I clued in finally about 7 months ago but was unable to figure out a plan of action... I could not ask him as he would just get mad and lust how I had let him down. I can’t blame him now that I look back at how bad I was. He has now still been going out with friends, he by accident txtd me something I knew was not for me so depression anxiety and insecurities rang hard. I felt heartbroken and a bunch of other ugly negative emotions... I finally asked him about it and he admitted to meeting a woman while he was out with friends but it was not serious... he was going to deal with it. This just made me wonder what else he wasn’t telling me. He would stay out at friends some nights on weekends which just made my mind race with thoughts and accusations of serial infidelity... I could not trust him anymore, I was not good enough etc... This negative circle I put myself in came to an abrupt end between Christmas and New Years. He sat me down and told me we had to sell the house and I needed to get my independence back as this was killing me. He told me to start packing. He was packing too. We were together still but not. I realized quick what I had taken for granted for so long. He told me u was depressed, anxious and needed help plus I needed to tackle things like my taxes. I had already been to accountant but never told him as I was not trusting him and withdrawing due to heartbreak. I finally made it into pain specialist, explained what happened. He restarted nerve blocks and suggested CBT. I have my 2nd appt. in 2 days. I went to the dentist as I’ve broken teeth from grinding and downright neglect. This fear crippled me for many reasons but I faced it and am awaiting multiple teeth extraction. I’ve been packing and looking for a place to live. Still do not know if we will be moving together and too afraid to ask. I can’t believe he has stuck by me this long really. I see the difference in me and really want the old me back...baby steps is hard because I’m impatient but I think pushing myself has only resulted badly so maybe he is right...

I still battle with insecurities because he wants to be sure I’m going to cope and manage my pain etc in a healthy way because he can’t go back to me in the deep dark pit of hell we call it. I don’t blame him at all..... so here I am here trying to figure all this out... I start CBT Tuesday so that will be interesting as I do not do change well nor do I handle new things well... i’m taking it day by day, hour by hour at times. I make lists so I can feel accomplishment and remember what I’m doing. I’m out of the fog but still find myself slipping back every now and then. Reading others experiences helps because it reminds me I’m not the only person who feels this way. I do want out of this house which is a good sign but moving terrifies me. I have my garden, fenced yard for the dogs, close to forests and water which calms me so moving to city increases my anxiety. An apartment scares me bcuz I really do not like talking to people or making small talk . I’m introverted to start with so social situations are Hard enough in my best emotional health. There are days questions like how are you puts me in tears. I avoid social situations outside family for these reasons... I’m working towards getting out more like walking dogs for starters. I can limit interactions to waving. I can handle that. I do look forward to some outings but still resist others like grocery shopping. I miss many things like cuddling, going out doing whatever together. I realize he is still in self preservation mode and does not have absolute faith that I will stick to getting my crap together. I will always have pain so I have to learn to manage it effectively and not give up. It’s weird I worked in community health care and would be able to advise patients about this but to take my own advice well not so much. 😏

I am not sure what to expect but am finding myself more hopeful at least in general lately but I do still have bad days that drive me to tears and emotional outbursts but they are getting fewer and farther between ( knock on wood) as the days/ weeks go by.... I do not know what future holds but I’m trying to hold my head up and face it head on at least. He is still supportive in this regard and still moves heaven and earth to ensure I’m able to get to doctors, have CBD, food, heat and that I’m safe. He still spends weekends out but has made efforts to be home part of weekend. He has started to make time to take me out places that are not doctors so this is positive. He does his best to quell my insecurities and reassure me that i can still hope and time will tell.

Ok this is the 1st time I’ve admitted all the ugliness and disgusting way I acted, treated him and literally pushed him away.

I imagine many others have similar experiences but I figured if not here where else could I admit all this without judgement. I can’t tell family as all they would do was try to solve it for me not allow me to do this for myself. This to me is most important as it will help me gain my much needed independence again. 😕🙂

[Agora1]

Square, have I told you lately how very proud I am of you? xx

[CanuckAnon]

Nervous about tomm... CBT day 1. I’m sure it will be fine but I’m nervous and will let u know... good, bad or ugly...

Hoping for good and not ugly but we shall see.... 🤔

1 foot in front of next eh?!

[Xyra]

Hi Canuck, I’m new here too and can relate to some of your story. CBT has proven to be very effective! Just keep your mind open and try to maintain a positive outlook. You got this!

Let us know how it goes, ok?

[Hidden]

Hi . all that pain still not diagnosed but controller by pain block. When the pain comes back you feel insecure and helpless. It seems the compensation for injury at work did not address the cause of the pain. Where does that leave you? Are you allowed steroid injections which should last three months? Have you had any other tests for blood disorders with B12 deficiency vitamin D iron and ferritin levels? Have you seen a physical therapist or chiropractor? Where does pain stem from and does it cause weakness ? The pain is not in your head but the pain caused the breakdown of your relationship. Is there no other family member who can help with support?

[CanuckAnon in reply to Hidden]

I’ve had every blood test known and been tested for everything. I give myself iron injections when I need them. I’ve been to physio when I initially hurt my neck but then compensation ended and I could not afford to keep it up not covered by OHIP (provincial NHS). Pain comes from neck, base of skull and nerves the are all over my head, I get a ring like a low sitting crown of pain squishing my skull. This causes dizziness, ears ringing etc bright light is hard on me, fast motion is too.

My pain doctor knows what is wrong but not what caused it... he has guesses but not absolute so this is why my dx is chronic pain and chronic daily migraines.

It was not my pain but rather me not dealing with everything that went with pain(depression etc) my isolating myself, the withdrawal from life for so long.

[Hidden in reply to CanuckAnon]

Can't agree with you. You have cervical spine problems and this has not been diagnosed properly. A chiropractor works with x days and the top guy can help realign the spine. An opthalmic eye specialist can look behind your eye to see if the blood supply to the brain is ok. As you have trouble with light this can be linked to refractive disorders that may occur after an injury. Going to these specialists costs money that's where mum would want to help you. I have cataracts but several eye opicians did not diagnosed it. Cataracts cause glare and snow and sunlight affect your eyesight and can upset you. I have to draw the curtains in bright sunlight and have dark grey tinted lenses to help eyes. I now wear sun glasses as glare Conti Utes to headaches and pain. Having sight tests really helps as they can refer you to the right person . You have been suffering but many illnesses may take several years to be diagnosed after an accident. This is where support financially makes all the difference. It has taken years to recognize many doctors are unable to diagnose problems which may be helped by the right person.

[CanuckAnon in reply to Hidden]

The $ she offers is not for that kind of practical stuff... it’s for retail therapy, trips abroad, fancy dinners.... it’s for her version of fun not mine. Been to chiro had myself realigned, been to top neuro eye specialist, been to reg eye doctor, been thru mri’s, cat scans, ultrasounds, xrays... have another X-ray req to get done then I’m waiting for another mri likely so 6-9 months ... yay universal health care?!?😬

What I would do with a masseuse named Sven .... if I could be rubbed 24-7 on demand ... that would be way more helpful than another jacket, sweater, trip to x or z that I never go on... 😂

[Hidden in reply to CanuckAnon]

(•‿•) economy no colour left to spare for coloured emojis. There are differences in opticians and Neuro eye specialists. If you have light problems now as you mentioned with balance this can be linked to new research with eye and ear. If you can test your balance then stand with legs slightly apart then put your arms in front and shut both eyes. If you easy or lose balance this can be related to sinus and inner ear as well as sight.

[CanuckAnon in reply to Hidden]

I also have an ear specialist. The light thing and dizziness can also be nerves running up from neck. Nerve blocks reduce effects of these substantially... it is also common with migraines...

[Starrlight]

I teared up reading your story. You’ve been through so much!! I will be rooting for you always. ❤️

[Hidden]

I have the same thing. Problem is they messed up my stomach from all the meds and like you hardly move so that results in bad blood flow to your organs like tummy. I have severe reflux now and gastritis I didn’t have before it got worse from burn out. I am a royal mess no pain killers was bleeding both ends from meds. Not controlling my stress triggered it in burn out. Losing my hair severe and frail. I’m trying to clean up my diet and avoid stress. Don’t know why psychiatrist didn’t take you. You need a neuropsychiatrist they take a year to get into and your pain management team. Unfortunately for me the psychiatrist didn’t listen to me that I had pelvic issues which made me 50x worse which got me here where I can only hope to get up now cry lay in bed as I can’t move. It’s important to move & squeeze your body for circulation and drink water and eat easy foods. If your tummy is ok you’re doing better than me. Constant neck retractions and movements and back core strength cat & cow windmills cobra side twists. My iron is low too. I wish they’d give me injections I’m just above so they won’t. I’m in BC. I’m glad your partner is still in your life. I’m alone. My psychiatrist refused to hospitalize me again as said it’s my stress relationships. It was but it was also injuries and stomach issues from meds so much like his meds. Man doc not understanding female surgeries. Had 5. Keep doing the CBT & meditation and like me I try to find a good thing every day. It’s a pain not having access to cannabis oils now we had access prior to the legalization here easily awesome creams and stuff really helped but now not easy. They ruined it lol. Have you tried an adaptogen herb like ortho adapt it’s very expensive about $40/50 for a bottle (get non vegan better results) but with stress the cortisol hormones get messed up buggering up everything. You might benefit from having that I’m guessing you’d strongly benefit & you’ll notice a difference after 6/8 weeks. Can be hard on stomach take with food. Proud of you. I know it well. Problem with psychiatrist is that meds help but not always for me they didn’t take in account my past surgeries weakness and caused severe stomach issues stress from dealing with constipation & weak muscles from surgeries no pain killers a year I just broke. So be mindful if you do see psychiatrist giving meds if you can handle them. The mental health talk and CBT and pain control I believe is the answer with movement it’s not your fault they just don’t get long term pain and in your neck as I have as well it affects your brain more.

[CanuckAnon in reply to Hidden]

Ya they really messed up legalization! Nobody but gov’t can come in legalize it and then can’t turn a profit. Should have left the “free market” system we had.🙄 OHIP cutbacks and province fighting with specialists is why I got turned down 2 hospitals more or less.... I’m not sure what ICBC is like... I know your gov at least recognizes Lyme disease... mine doesn't.

Do you have home support?

Thanks for well wishes 😊