Repressing my deepest needs = anxiety and depression

[Dreamie]

Disclaimer: this might be long! I need to write this out.

I have been dealing with torturous anxiety the last several months. I’ve had anxiety for about 9 years. I’ve had depression for over 25 years, just milder and more manageable when I was younger.

I had what I’m calling a breakdown a couple weeks ago. The stress in my life piled up and I became so anxious that I couldn’t function. All I could do was cry and beg for help. I saw my therapist and she called a place and I was admitted into an outpatient treatment program. I’ve been going there from 8:30 am to 2:30 pm for almost 2 weeks now.

I have learned that I have been repressing my deepest needs for quite some time. My life has become just a fraction of what it used to be. I used to exercise, do yoga, take walks. I used to go to church, have quiet times, pray and write in my journal. I used to have a few friends that I talked to and did things with from time to time. I used to get excited about summer and planting flowers and “prettying” up my yard. I used to enjoy going out-to dinner, to a gathering at someone else’s house, to an event.

Over time I slowly stopped doing these things for the most part. There is more than one reason for this but a big and important one is my husbands disapproval. I have made myself small and my needs unimportant in order to attempt to keep the peace at home. What makes this doubly worse is that it hasn’t worked anyway. Even with all the stuff I’ve given up, any thing I do do (LOL) ends up causing so much tension and misery between us. My husband throws every tactic in the book at me. The cold shoulder for weeks/months! Very very lengthy Tirades! Guilt trips! He calls me selfish and spoiled. He will criticize and tear down my family and friends. He will tear down any everyone and everything that i believe in or want to try. I’ve become so depressed that I’ve completely lost interest in life. And, I am panicked and full of anxiety over upsetting my husband yet also full of depression and anxiety over denying myself the healthy relationships and activities that I need for my soul and my psyche.

I am not in the mental position to leave my husband right now. I wish more than anything that it wouldn’t have to come to that. But I do have to get up off my knees and start standing again. I have to go and get those things that will help to fill my soul back up.

All I ask from you who are reading is a bit of encouragement. This battle to restore ourselves to peace from anxiety and depression...we are all in it together.

[1973m]

I didn’t like ... liking your post because it’s so sad .. but I wanted to acknowledge you had written from your heart..

I hear you loud and clear .. and you are very brave .

For a man to make you feel this way is so not right .. I should know .. I could of practically written it my self .

You will find the strength one day to do what’s right for you but meanwhile start by telling yourself you are worthy , you are strong, you’re beautiful and intelligent !

It will take time but you will start to find small joys in things .. go out interview your yard and notice the bulbs and plants .. spring is only around the corner and so will be some glimpses of happiness for you too .. keep strong you’ve got this ., we are here for you. X

[Dreamie in reply to 1973m]

The love and encouragement you gave is so appreciated. And it does so much to inspire and comfort me. Thank you Friend.

[SueGlenn]

Just remember that you are not alone in this. There are so many of us out there to love and support each other through this!

[PastelPink20]

Dreamie,

I am sorry that you’ve dealt with this. It’s a burden to bear.

I’d like to start out and say: thank you for organizing your post with paragraphs. It was easier to read and understand where you’re coming from - you’re a good writer. I feel like I can write to my heart’s content here and I appreciate all that you’ve written. I hope it’s been a freeing experience to develop those words and listen to yourself.

Congrats on reaching out for help and doing what you need. It’s easy to listen to the advice and desires of others to the point where we realize, we haven’t been taking care of ourselves. I am sorry such an important person in your life has contributed to your anxiety and depression. There seems to be an empty tank of love within your marriage and with yourself.

I’m glad you remembered the things you enjoyed and have places and things you can return to. Re-learning how to take care of your soul, nurture those hobbies, and enjoy the quiet moments can be tedious but are overall rewarding.

I am here, anxiety and all, as well. I am younger and it’s gotten worse, especially with college for me. You are not alone. I hope you have your day sprinkled with moments of peace despite the weight that you’re carrying. Thank you.

[Dreamie in reply to PastelPink20]

Thank you for your kind and hopeful thoughts. And for complimenting my writing. I do enjoy writing and usually spend a lot of time thinking about how to say things.

I do think that having a community of people to support one another with a common “challenge” is invaluable. As much as I hate that you have anxiety I am glad you are here and shared yourself with me. There are blessings within our struggles. 💗

[ReachingOut5784]

I think your husband may have narcissistic personality disorder and you’re on the receiving end of his narcissistic abuse. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave and restore your soul. You’re severely depleted of happy chemicals from his chronic oppression. Replenishing your oxytocin is vital (internet search for Dr. John Gray’s 100 things to boost your oxytocin). Nothing you do will help until you take control of your life again and change your environment. Plan for a safe departure with the help of family, friends, social workers and everyone in your support system. This is more vital than anything. I wish my mom had been strong enough to do it sooner. It would have saved her suffering abs mine. Good luck.

[Dreamie in reply to ReachingOut5784]

As I wake after a horrible evening of breakdown with my husband and read your words I am confronted again with the cold harsh reality. What you’ve said is on the mark.

I am facing a terrible truth and I don’t want to resort to my former tactics anymore. I have tried denial. I have tried crying and begging I have tried to please. In all of these things there has been no hope or change. I am crushed and devastated.

However, I have a quiet but perhaps very powerful stirring underneath the screaming tantrums, anxiety attacks, hopelessness and sobbing that I’ve been experiencing. I believe that “stirring” is Truth, Love and Strength. I believe it is God’s gift to me.

Thank you for your words of understanding. I wish your mom had done it sooner too. Better late than never though.

Bless you. 💗

[Mickey1953]

Hello, Dreamie,

Been there, done that...

"There is more than one reason for this but a big and important one is my husbands disapproval. I have made myself small and my needs unimportant in order to attempt to keep the peace at home. What makes this doubly worse is that it hasn’t worked anyway. Even with all the stuff I’ve given up, any thing I do do (LOL) ends up causing so much tension and misery between us. My husband throws every tactic in the book at me. The cold shoulder for weeks/months! Very very lengthy Tirades! Guilt trips! He calls me selfish and spoiled. He will criticize and tear down my family and friends. He will tear down any everyone and everything that i believe in or want to try. I’ve become so depressed that I’ve completely lost interest in life. And, I am panicked and full of anxiety over upsetting my husband yet also full of depression and anxiety over denying myself the healthy relationships and activities that I need for my soul and my psyche. "

I was in the same boat; my late husband was a victim of child abuse, and our first five years were really difficult. I truly believe he had Dissociative Identity Disorder, and there were separate entities, because there was the sweet, kind-hearted man I married, then this abusive entity, and another entity fascinated with science. I never knew who was going to walk in the door after he came home from work. I was a wreck. I walked on eggshells.

But then I was diagnosed with Stage2 breast cancer at age 35. I thought he would leave me; I actually told him that he was free to go, I had no intention of trying to fight the cancer. He surprised the snot out of me. He said, "NO, I want you here, you are going to fight because we have a lot of living left to do." And, for the time that I was going through surgeries, chemotherapy and reconstruction, he was my staunchest protector, the kind-hearted man I married. Then, as I was starting to recover, he was diagnosed with an illness that was terminal, an our roles switched. The mercurial madman started to come back. But I did for him what he had done for me, and we bonded over this weird turn of events.

He died in 1993. But during the time he was my staunchest protector, I realized that he instinctively knew what my childhood demons were; he saw my interactions with my family, and he had seen it before. His perception of things I hadn't been able to process over the years changed my life, I was starting to move away from the person who had really done the damage, who had turned me into a doormat.

I have been exploring it and dealing with it slowly over time, and I am still processing what happened to me as a child. I have depression and anxiety, and believe I have c-ptsd. It has affected my entire life, dictated how I related to others, and I still have deep trust issues.

Your husband may not have redeeming points or the capacity to change that mine did. He may just be a classic abusive personality. My advice is to put your priorities first, and start to examine how he did this to you. There are supportive people here, and my psyche has benefitted from being here. Just keep on posting; the responses you get will help you sort this out.

Wishing you the best of luck!

[Dreamie in reply to Mickey1953]

Hello Mickey. You are so right that the supportive people here have benefited my psyche and my heart. Your story is heart-wrenching. You are a true survivor! How I wish we didn’t have to experience the pain of life! Kindness and love go a great way at making it bearable. Thank you for making mine a bit easier by sharing. Bless you. 💗