I don't know if I can take this

My parents hate me again.

The people I got referred to called about a week ago and asked me questions and stuff and they want to see me to further assess me on Wednesday, which is a good thing, but my mum won't tell me where it is and she sure as hell isnt gonna take me. Yesterday, I had a pretty bad depressive episode so I decided to go to sleep. My mum later barged in my room and ordered me downstairs, I tried to say I wasn't feeling well, but she wasn't having any of it. I went downstairs and helped my sister clear up.

I still felt like shit, but my parents thought 'hey lets make her feel worse!'. So then they started accusing me of faking my depression and saying that I was like any other girl that wanted attention. (I'm not) unfortunately as I was talking to the mental health people. My mum overheard the lady asking me questions about suicide. My mum then went on about how I can't be suicidal when I have a house and food ext. which is already something I say to myself everyday, but her saying it made me feel so bad. I felt terrible. I have my exams coming up soon. And she said that if I didn't do well then she would move all of us away, and leave my sister her so she could have a good future, then I thought about it and realised that I was the one causing my family so much stress, I couldn't do anything, I felt like there was no option left, I felt like anything I did or tried to do would hurt someone. It only happened yesterday, but the memory feels kinda blurry. I remember feeling overwhelmed, then a sudden click of 'I'm gonna kill my self'. I decided. Being alive was selfish, trying to get help was selfish, ignoring the obvious problem, was torture, pretending I was ok was exhausting. Killing myself seems like the best option.

I ran the bathtub and got ready to write some goodbye notes, but then my mum interrupted to do her hair. I thought about how long drowning myself would take. What would happen after.

I went back into the bathroom and staired at the tub, fortunately i had calmed down, so my thinking was better, so I drained the tub.

I wish my parents would understand, their nurses but they don't specialise in mental health, but I thought it's something they would at least understand. It gets worse. Every . Single. Day. I never look forward to the next day, I can't picture myself doing anything in the future( not even a week from now) I know I'm young, but it feels like I'm a parasite to my household.

Yesterday was my second 'almost' suicide attempt. I don't feel like it will be long before I properly attempt. I really don't want to die, but at the same time, I don't want to live anymore.

Another one of my rants.

[fatinaziz]

Hi,

I understand how u feel. Not everyone understand that depression is real and its not just "in ur mind". Have u try to have a talk with them and tell them about ur symptoms? U should identify what are the cause of your depression. If you think your mum is making you depression worst, try to seek help from someone else. Go and visit counsellor or a psychiatrist. Please dont think too much, i know its easy to say than done. Im still having problem to control my thoughts but believe me you will get better. Please don't think about suicidal. It is not worth it to waste ur life over this problem. I know it feels like the end of the world for you but believe me you can get through it. Try to find professional help first. Whenever you feel like hell, do write in here and we are here to support you. Some of us experienced the same thing like you did but they manage to get out of it or make it less suffering and I am sure you can too,

[Hidden in reply to fatinaziz]

I have tried talking to them about symptoms, but they don't think it's anything. The main problem is that I don't really have a cause for my depression, it bugs me a lot because it's like: wow I'm like this for no reason. At least if I had a reason I could try to fix it, but I can't. And their not gonna do anything unless I have a reason, but I can't just make one up. Thanks for the support though x

[Hidden]

It's so weird It's been a bad morning and my husband is screaming at me. He wants me to stop taking my pills and I might not be able to. He said he can't take anymore because I have anxiety and depression. It's not my fault but he acts like it is. He told me I have nobody and thats how I feel. This is just like any other sickness but he won't help me because it's mental. I don't know what to do.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Use us as an outlet to share feelings until husband realizes what u r going thru

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

i AM FEELING SO DEPRESSED RIGHT NOW i DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO i CA'NT STOP CRYING OR FEELING BAD. FEEL SAD NOWWHERE TO GO EXCEPT CHURCH. i'M SCARED

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

hang in. turn to your pastor, your friends, and there are physicians who can help you as well

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I HAVE NOBODY i've been going through this for 5 yrs and I can't take it anymore

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

No matter what I do I have to do it alone

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Should I call crises?

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

if u are in a crisis YES, do not go thru this alone. there is help out there. and dont hesitate to call for it

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I'm in crises everyday

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

how are u doing today?

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

terrible Mu husband says the pills are making me sick I can't stop crying

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Its the fear and anxiety

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

i also have anx at the moment for health issues. and i have the support of my wonderful wife. find someone, a friend, a religious person, even support at the first aid station to start with, just dont go thru this alone

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I have no support

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

of course u do. we are here for u, and as i said, contact a priest, rabbi, minister any person of the cloth will find time for you. do u have any idea whats troubling you?

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I'm no good at marriages(obviously as I'm only 16) but I know that when your in love your suppose to.. not scream at each other, but understand. Try to get him to understand that you can't control it, at the end of the day your married, you will(hopefully) spend the rest of your days together. Good luck

[Hidden]

Hi first of all your parents don't hate you, they are very concerned but don't know how to handle it or what to do. Your mother sounds like she was very upset and in denial about how you feel. Can you get her to look in here and see what you have written and the replies you have got?

I am sure they really have no idea of how bad you are feeling and are hoping it's just normal teenage hormones. Maybe it is but then again maybe not.

As you are 16 you don't need your parents to take you as you are capable of taking yourself. Why not ring your doctors tomorrow and explain the situation and ask them where the appointment is. Your doctor might also be able to talk to your parents. x

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

There's no way I'd let my mum read this, sorry. And yeah I'm planning to ring tomorrow x but I don't want the doctor to talk to my parents, I've tried getting people to talk to them, it never works.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Fair enough. Not everyone wants to tell their parents and it is your right. I would never have told mine either at your age. I think they would listen much more to a doctor though.

As far as I'm aware if the doctor thinks you are mature enough and you are not at risk (ie suicidal) then there is no need to let your parents know. Check this out anyway and say you don't want your parents involved. x

[km147]

Some parents do not understand how to deal with mental health issues. This is more common than you think. It took some time for my parents to learn how to deal with my episodes. Now, they give me space. Don't get me wrong, they still think religion is what is going to cure me and that really frustrates me because it's not a sin to seek help. I know how you feel. You are NOT seeking attention. That is what is wrong with society. The pain of women is seen as less severe than men. Women are seen as over emotional when they are depressed but people get concerned when a man feels the same way. Its not right and completely UNTRUE. Men can be just as emotional as women. My advice? Take it day by day. Appreciate and look forward to the good days and cope with the bad. Anxiety/Depression is a life long disease. It's how we learn to cope that will help us move on with our lives. Find strength within yourself and ask for help.

[Hidden in reply to km147]

Thank you x i really hope this isn't life long though, I want it to go away completely. I don't know if that's how it works though.

[Hidden in reply to km147]

Hi I don't think depression is necessarily a life long thing as most people only have one episode of it then recover completely. Even if it is with help and counselling it is often made much better and need not affect your life as much. x

[Tsimon1111]

I’m sure you already are but take on day at a time life in general can be overwhelming but with your upcoming exams I’m sure doesn’t help as for your parents not all parents understand depression or they don’t want to. Their generation kept everything secret and if someone was depressed or any other mental illness they would keep it hidden. Possibly this is why your mom doesn’t want to believe it could be happening to her daughter.

What helps me sometimes is I keep a small journal and write down three good things I saw when I first wake up. It may sound dumb but it did help me

[Hidden]

Thank you, I'll try doing something like that, right now I have something similar which is to count to 10 perfectly( not too fast, not too slow) or to focus on my senses and not my thoughts.

[CapitalT]

@Hidden It sounds as though Mindfulness could work for you, it can help reduce the anxiety and help you with tools for the future.

I DO feel for you, bad experiences during our informative years can live with us for ages, if they can be realised and controlled we break the loop early.

The internet is an amazing place where those who have been through similar troubles can impart so much, so please, don't give up hope.

A hobby you enjoy can also help.

Good luck

[Hidden in reply to CapitalT]

Thank you x