Lifelong friend-can't fix relationship

[Naturelover58]

I have written here before a while ago. My lifelong friend had become angry with me a few times over the last 2.5 years, accusing me of not being supportive etc.,. She had said that "it needed to be about her" as she was going through some difficult times(and this is true to a degree). Throughout the last two years, she would express how difficult things were for her, and although I had tried to be supportive, she accused me of not being there for her. I had become so anxious about it over the last year especially, that I had started to distance myself. I went to see a counselor to talk about this, a few months ago, and the counselor advised me to talk to my friend, which I did. My friend then said that the relationship had become toxic and she pulled away. I suggested that we go to see an unrelated counselor to try to work through our difficulties and my friend agreed. After one session, she has decided that the counselor was more supportive of me than her, and that she wants no further contact with me, as she is becoming so resentful of me. She has quit the counseling, and I am going to maintain the appointments, as I feel that it will be helpful to me. My question isn't how to fix the relationship. Without proper help, I don't feel that there is a chance, because my friend believes I am the fault in our friendship-full stop. After so many decades of close friendship, I feel very sad that this is what it has come to, and also very bewildered that my friend feels that I can do no right in our friendship, and that I am so much to blame for the failure of it all. She had asked for e-mails-light and friendly to maintain contact, and at Christmas, I sent a funny picture of our cat. I didn't hear from her for several days, and when I did, it was to tell me that it was heartless to send a picture like this, because her own pet had died in the summer and she was still grieving the loss. This was in no way my intention. I can't fix this, but I wish that she didn't view me as her arch nemesis.

Thank you.

[Hidden]

I can definitely relate. I have lost many good friends because of something they did. However, I don't make my friendships all about myself. You are in the right. Your friend acted immature. I believe friendship is all about balance. If something was on my mind, I would tell my friend and vice versa. Friendship is not gaining advice or using them for something. You seem like a very nice person and I would love to be your friend.

[Naturelover58 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you Book_life. I am grateful that the time apart has allowed me to look at our relationship with more of an open, objective eye, and thankfully the anxiety has been reduced because of that. I wish that there was a way for my friend to see my perspective, that support, doesn't have to involve being on call 24/7, but she feels that this is necessary. Thank you so much.

[Poodie in reply to Hidden]

Hi book life. I

I had something similar happen. We were very close friends for several years. Then all of a sudden she ended our friendship. I felt sad over the loss and could not understand it. I just let it go. A couple times in the past 15 yrs, I tried to reconnect to no avail.

We are getting older and so I tried to contact her recently to have lunch. She just does not respond and seems unwilling and not wanting to talk. No excuse, just non responsive. None of her excuses ever made sense and the silence still doesn’t .

I am sure she could feel she has reason to act this way, but I recently decided to stop thinking about it. I decided it is immature of her not to talk to me seeing that we were close for quite a while. I chalked it up to her personality type.

I must say that I do not now value her as much , nor do I hold her in the same light as I once did. I know people who work with her and she is functioning and well.

I suppose you know book life, there are some people who will do this type of thing and sometimes they just do not care how the other person feels. I suppose I valued her friendship more then she did mine. That’s ok because it is just the way it is.

I do not know if your situation is the same or if your friend is going thru a particularly hard time. What ever it is, I guess she is incapable of behaving any other way just now. Perhaps she will change.

I am not expecting my friend to ever change. I think I did not know her as well as I thought I did.

Take care and always keep yourself foremost, i e love yourself. That is what I had to learn.

Other then this, how are you ?

[Naturelover58 in reply to Poodie]

Poodie, I think I spent a lot of time over the last four months, where we had only a limited amount of contact, reflecting about how our relationship of several decades had failed and what my part in it was. My friend had been struggling with several issues, relative of hers had passed away, health issues etc, and had lashed out at me several times, for not being supportive. If she had been struggling, she wouldn't recognize that I called her on a certain day, but became incredibly angry, if I didn't call her on the following day, because I was supposed to check in on her. She was someone that I wanted to have in my life forever, but in the last two years, her anger and criticism of me as a friend caused me to pull away. I think if I could have done something earlier, it would have been to tell her how I felt, but the end result would have no doubt been her becoming angry with me for not standing beside her when she was having such a difficult time. I am sorry for what you faced with your friend. These situations can be very painful to go through, and yes I did realize recently, that I needed to be loyal to myself and focus on myself, as I was focused on trying to repair the relationship, rather than the harm it was causing me. I will be fine, but it certainly is a process to not have that best friend beside me anymore. Thank you so much.

[Hidden in reply to Poodie]

I'm doing good