NO CONTACT 👈🏽 🚫⛔️🛑

[UnderstandingMyPain]

I’ve decided after my mom leaves Michigan and she goes back home to New York, NO CONTACT will start. She has continued with her toxic behavior towards me and it’s the same towards my children. I can’t and will not accept it.

[Hidden]

Good for you. Been there, done that. I disowned my siblings about 20 years ago and I told my mom I will be the one to call every once in a while. I have seen her about two times in five years. This way I have control. It's always painful when I see her.

[UnderstandingMyPain in reply to Hidden]

Thanks Melhall! Oh that’s good. Yeah I plan on calling once a month. I understand now why my brother distanced himself completely from her. He lives in NY and he has not seen her for the past two years.

[Hidden in reply to UnderstandingMyPain]

I am happier but have tremendous guilt since my dad died without me being around. I still have some contact with her for that reason. She wasn't abusive but didn't believe the abuse by my brother to me and my sister. She said, maybe he thought you liked it, and then kicked me out of the house at 17 because I had anger issues towards him. I am now the black sheep of the family because I won't play the perfect family game. He has never seen my child and never will. My sister continues to downplay it and stays in contact with him which I think it absolutely crazy, even her kids see him. I will protect my own til my death.

[UnderstandingMyPain in reply to Hidden]

I’m glad to know your happier, yeah I remember you sharing about the abuse and how your sister will have him around her own children, it’s very sad and still you have come soooo far, that’s a true testimony of strength. You’re a wonderful mother. A mother is to protect and give genuine love. I have motivational quotes that pop up on my phone about every 30mins and one today said, you can’t find real love from someone who has hurt you. It’s true, these days a lot of women and men will continue to seek affirmation and love from a person who has hurt them. Trauma bonding is a real thing. I’m a firm believer that anyone can raise up from all challenges if they want too and you have done so!! Admirable!!!! ❤️❤️❤️

[Hidden in reply to UnderstandingMyPain]

Thank you. Love the quote. The one I like I recently heard was, can't is the cancer of happen.

[UnderstandingMyPain in reply to Hidden]

Hmmmmm that’s a good one

[All_alone in reply to UnderstandingMyPain]

I like the quote - you can't find real love from someone who has hurt you. That quote speaks tons!!

[fauxartist in reply to Hidden]

Melhall, I'm sorry you’re suffering feelings of guilt around your dad, but honestly, it's not your fault...so please find peace in your heart with this. Often we feel guilt when there isn't really a valid reason for it. Whether you were there or not when he passed, we cannot change what is inevitably going to happen. Believe me your father is at peace with everything.

[UnderstandingMyPain in reply to fauxartist]

Thanks Fauxartist! I don’t feel any guilt any longer. I believe that is why I don’t mind doing the no contact towards my mom.

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you.

[Bettycooper]

good for you ❤

[UnderstandingMyPain in reply to Bettycooper]

Thank you!! ❤️ how was today with the parentals??

[Bettycooper in reply to UnderstandingMyPain]

I have hidden my diaries

[UnderstandingMyPain in reply to Bettycooper]

Okay that’s a start. So what does a weekend look like for you? I know I couldn’t go anywhere, I do know that I did get a job at The Gap at 16, that helped me out a lot too, to get out of the house and be around other ppl. I enjoyed working. My parents allowed me to do that, bc they would take me and pick me up after I was done. I didn’t mind that part too much.

[Bettycooper in reply to UnderstandingMyPain]

sometimes I have a friend coming over

[UnderstandingMyPain in reply to Bettycooper]

Good!!

[All_alone]

YESSS! Good for you. Boundaries!!

[UnderstandingMyPain in reply to All_alone]

Yes!!!! Boundaries indeed! I know I can do it!!

[Mimimylon]

My mother is out of my life too. Five years ago, when I finally woke up and saw how narcissistic and toxic she has been all her life towards me, I said NO MORE. I cut her off my life, totally and completely. A mother should be the personification of love.

[UnderstandingMyPain in reply to Mimimylon]

I agree! I’m at that point. Here visiting me that should of been two weeks turned into 4months. During these past four months I saw more and understood more. I did a lot of thinking of my childhood and now adulthood and saw her for who she has been.

[fauxartist]

I cut my mother off over a decade now, and my life has improved dramatically. I no longer look for her to change, or show approval, or love....she doesn't have it in her, and no matter what I did it would never be good enough, so it's the definition of insanity...doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

My mother is getting close to the end now, and I can tell you....I gave her every opportunity to make amends, to explain why she did what she did, and still nothing...just her usual deflecting the issue and never taking responsibility for her own actions. She is a sadistic sociopath....and allowed me to be sexually, physically and mentally abused my whole childhood, and she never stopped verbally abusing me…

So I stopped.... and the only thing I will feel when she passes is the sadness of never knowing a loving mother...I have nothing left for her.

[UnderstandingMyPain in reply to fauxartist]

Thanks for sharing this with me. I didn’t realize until now since being on here how many of us had to do the no contact with a parent or another relative. Reading how it has helped them in the long wring like your story gives me hope and a better understanding that I am doing the right thing for me and my children. Thanks again for being open and sharing

[fauxartist in reply to UnderstandingMyPain]

At first when I shared some of this stuff, I got a lot of comments on how I should forgive my mother, and how blood is blood and she is my mother, and that she didn't probably mean what she did, and I would regret cutting her out of my life..etc...

But until you walk in someone’s shoes who have lived a lifetime with a narcissist or sociopath, and in my case a sadistic one, then you really have no say on what we should or shouldn't do for self preservation. Not one of my therapists ever said I should try and stay in contact, they are the ones who told me to severe contact permanently. I finally took their advice.

The story's here on abuse ranges from sexual to physical, to emotional and verbal. All abuse is valid. Even total indifference to a child and ignoring them completely is abuse. Some seem to have gotten worse than others...but the results are all the same. A lifetime of low self esteem, low sense of self worth, and even some are over achievers because you don't feel what you do is good enough. And sadly it's sometimes passed on to other families. I chose not to have children simply for the fact that I never wanted my mother to ever have access to them, and feared them being put in and out of foster homes and abused like I was. I was destroyed. I'll never be completely healed, but at least some healing has begun.

[UnderstandingMyPain in reply to fauxartist]

Oh wow! That’s sad that someone would say that without understanding your story/journey in life. I agree people won’t even understand until they had a mother or father treat them in a way that leaves a child with unexplained emotions. I admire your strength and your personal choice to let yourself free from your mother. I hope as my journey continues I can share with you and everyone else on here that I had the strength to do my no contact! I am determined and it is necessary

[fauxartist in reply to UnderstandingMyPain]

Whats even worse is pouring your heart out to someone about never having a happy childhood, and then have them tell you how great their childhood was, and how wonderful all their party's, and family get togethers were, and all their holidays were so amazing, and how much they all loved each other and got along so great.

The callous indifference of that is mind boggling to me that someone would say that to you after someone just told them how it's the one thing in their life they will never have.

[UnderstandingMyPain]

Understandable. There are some individuals that don’t understand on another level how their words are impactful. I strongly believe there is always a time and place to say things.....Some people don’t have a filter at all. Having someone else’s interests at heart, is a far reach for others to grasp.

[fauxartist in reply to UnderstandingMyPain]

And some people don't care and are just cruel, it's very sad.

[Poodie]

Good for you!

[UnderstandingMyPain in reply to Poodie]

Thank you, she hasn’t left yet so it has t started BUT believe me when she does it will be wonderful