Struggling relationship with mother and as an extention with father

[SSMA]

I come from a very emotionally vocal and extremely distant family at one go.

My relationship with my mother is the most complicated. We are extremely similar and so different at one go and the suffering i go through in this matter is gigantic. I am the mother and she's the daughter in our case.

It's the main reason I have breakdowns.

We are again the best of friends. As if nothing happened.

It's affecting me in ways I cannot imagine. When I am taking extremely conscious efforts towards life, this one relationship is affecting me and my other relationships with family starting with my father. I am clueless.

[fauxartist]

This is what an adult child is.....someone whose parent puts all the parenting onto the child. This is dysfunctional and not fair....it doesn't allow us to grow up the way a normal childhood should allow for. It also makes it difficult for us to have normal relationships when we grow up and have our own families, often roles get screwed up, you may become an enabler, or have co-dependent issues. Anger, frustration, regrets, resentments....all of which many of us have from being the adult child. It takes some work, but you can get help to understand and recognize unhealthy behavior and hopefully change what doesn't work for you.

[SSMA in reply to fauxartist]

The problem is that I am aware of this issue. My mother refuses to act on it. To her in the moment there should not be any arguments. After that everything is fine. I am at a loss

[fauxartist in reply to SSMA]

unfortunately only you can change what you do, we can't change others, fix them, or enable them, we can only set our own boundaries on what we are willing to allow.

[SSMA in reply to fauxartist]

Very true. I am literally at a loss. My medications and my body are spent. I think of a peaceful way out. There seems to be none. It only gets worse. My family has gotten used to "give a dog a bad name and hang it." Here that's me and my illness. I am the emotional one. I am the one with a problem. No one seems to get it as I am the one who acted on it ever by taking time to go to therapy. I sometimes feel I take medicines for the crap that's passed on in this family.

Hey, I love them to moon and back and cannot get a day without talking to them and well at that. Maybe I jsut need to be far far away so I'll be healthy.

[fauxartist in reply to SSMA]

I bought into that crap from my family for far too long until one day I laid it all out for them.....the same people I used to drink and smoke pot with were half of them in the room, the same people who treated me like the freak were also all the ones not smart enough to go and get help in therapy. And they still all throw temper tantrums, can't hold onto a relationship, suffer from depression the same as I do, and take too many pills to try and compensate for it.

So no....I don't give a crap what they say anymore because they are the hypocrites and the ones who chose to stay sick....I'm the only one smart enough to tell them to 'f' off and deal with their own shit and own it, I'm nobody's toilet to dump on. Over 10 years ago I cut off ties completely with two brothers and my mother. My sister, her kids and one brother all sided with love and understanding or I wanted nothing to do with them either.

You do not deserve to be treated any less than with unconditional love, and if they can't give it....then you have to find it in your life. Just because someone is family does not mean they have a right to do and say whatever they want. But you have to make your boundaries, stand your ground, and limit your time with those that won't respect it. Yes my life has its ups and downs, I have a disease…and even though my partner has their own stuff to deal with, they always understand when I’m riding the emotional roller coaster and don’t blame or shame me.

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to fauxartist]

I teach people how to treat me

[fauxartist in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

I agree, it's our choice to accept what way we want to be treated. I set my boundries, we cannot always avoid some BS in life, but we sure can leave people to their own devices. I am not going to get dumped on anymore....or take anyone elses crap. Like we say....we keep our own side of the street clean.

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to fauxartist]

Amen to dat

[growinrace]

im sorry you're going through this with your mom. Have you spoken to he about how it makes you feel? Do you think perhaps therapy with her may help?

[SSMA in reply to growinrace]

Yes. These are regular. But I don't have any more hope. I am at wits end.