What can I do to help me cope with trying to conceive?

[mockingbird4]

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for over a year, I recently had surgery done to help me get pregnant. Now, here we are the first month of trying again since the surgery and I am so depressed. I am trying to stay positive, but its hard when I am constantly seeing women's pregnancy posts. I feel so defeated and I feel like I am disconnecting from life because all I want is to be a mom. Anyone have any ideas?

[Hidden]

I remember being obsessed with TTC after a miscarriage back in 1998.

The most important thing, as difficult as it may be, is to TRY not to make it an obsession. You’re only in month one post-surgery of trying. It can take time. If you’re finding yourself in a depression you may want to seek therapy before the depression gets out of hand. Be proactive. Begin taking prenatal vitamins now. Enjoy an occasional date night with your husband, make those date nights free of TTC endeavors.

If your body is able to become pregnant it will. Trying to remain positive is ideal.

Huge hugs to you.

[mockingbird4 in reply to Hidden]

i’ve obsessed over it so many times before and i’m doing everything I can not to do that to myself again. because the worst feeling is making yourself believe it worked this month and finding out it didn’t. the heartache sucks. i’m currently in therapy, haven’t been able to go in some weeks due to holidays, but i’m going back tomorrow and I am definitely going to address it. I didn’t think I was this bad, but my younger sister is pregnant with her third and seeing her over the holidays just brought it all back to me and made me sad all over again.

thank you for your kind words, it’s hard to stay positive especially when you want things that you truly have no control over. but I will do my best to stay positive and enjoy the life I do have now

[Hidden in reply to mockingbird4]

I know how obsessive it can become when you want to be a mom so much that it hurts. After my miscarriage my husband took me on vacation to Virginia Beach to help me heal - not just physically but emotionally. But it seemed like during that vacation all of the pregnant women came out of the woodwork and newborns as well were coming at me from all directions.

I remember very much the heartache that came when my period came after convincing myself that I was pregnant.

I also recall a friend of mine calling me to tell me that she was pregnant ... with twins.

I’m glad that you are in the midst of therapy and will return to address your feelings. Just know that you are experiencing absolutely normal emotions under the circumstances!

I know that it’s hard to stay positive and that you really have no control in this matter. It’s literally a crapshoot, but as long as you know that, you’re on the right track. If by chance you cannot get pregnant via the natural method, you can look into the other ways in which to become a Mom, whether it be by infertility treatments or adoption.

I wish you all the best!!

[Newbeginnings20]

Hi Mockingbird4

I’m so sorry to hear this.

I appreciate a lot how distressing it is first hand. It’s so easier for people to say relax and don’t stress but as we know when all you want is to be a mum then it’s not so easy!

I remember when I was trying to no avail and seeing women in the office becoming pregnant or pregnant it was so hard.

After a few years and nothing my then husband and I decided to say you know if we can’t have children we will use our money to travel the world instead and tried to relax about it.

We did however start the paperwork for IVF paid the initial £100 I think it was. Then I think because I was relaxed about it as I had this to look forward to - I became pregnant twice

So please try and stay positive a year is still early and I appreciate there are women that fall at a drop of a hat but there are also a lot like us where it takes us that little bit longer! X

[mockingbird4 in reply to Newbeginnings20]

Ugh, thank you! I always try to tell myself to stop worrying so much unless I absolutely have a reason to worry, but its hard. Especially when you want something so bad and its out of your reach. I am doing everything I can to stay positive and I really appreciate your response to me. I truly think this site will help me be able to talk about things and not keep them bottled up. Its just so nice to know that I am not alone and other women have these issues as well as I do.

[Newbeginnings20 in reply to mockingbird4]

Hey darlin

Yes but we know it’s not as easy to stop worrying is it!

Yes I think here you will get support and it will happen it will just be time.

I didn’t say in my original post but I also had a miscarriage which was very very hard to deal with and except.

Eventually I was told I couldn’t have children so that’s when after 4 years started the road to IVF then I became pregnant and again. So my first child was not until I was 31!

As Afrohair said try to do things to relax and walking and bubble baths sound a great place to start xx

[Hidden in reply to Newbeginnings20]

I also suffered a miscarriage, back in Feb 1998. Sorry you experienced the same heartache.

I had my two children at 31 and 34.

[Afrohair]

So sorry you are feeling this way my partner mentioned one of his friends wife is pregnant again with her 6th child I felt nothing but sorrow in my soul and his response of when will his come along and stating how strong the other woman is .i know my partner didn’t mean to hurt me at that moment but I felt like why isn’t my body capable once more I do have children but suffered a misscarrige in September.i keep thinking that if my baby had lived she would be here in around 2 months time and it saddens me so much!lost her at 12.5 week .i like you won’t be trying again now till I’ve had surgery for endometriosis I don’t want to risk having a bad pregnancy.the best thing to do is try to relax have a bubble bath every night go walking in the day or free time and be at peace with yourself relax your mind and body as much as possible and take pregnancare tablets

[mockingbird4 in reply to Afrohair]

I cant even begin to imagine that pain you must feel, and I wont try to compare. That is an absolute fear of mine and I pray so much that you get to get pregnant again and experience it. I truly do feel what you mean when you feel nothing but sorrow, I feel that way as well. You become so angry with your body and angry with all the women that are getting pregnant and it takes away the joy you can feel for others. I truly understand that. I am so sorry that youve had to deal with that as well. I pray things turn around for both of us!

[Hidden in reply to Afrohair]

Again, I’m so sorry you’ve experienced a loss. Losing a very much wanted a loved baby in pregnancy is such a traumatic experience. I can still recall my loss from 1998.

I wish you all the best with surgery and trying to conceive afterwards.

[Afrohair in reply to Hidden]

Thank-you so much for your kind words I don’t think you ever really get over it !my mum had 2 misscarriges and a still birth and still remembers to this day every detail.i won’t forget how she had my other daughters features (I had a natural misscarrige so saw everything )she now lays at the bottom of my garden. when I first laid her to rest all sorts was going through my mind I remember it being a very cold day and not wanting her to lay out there because of the weather even though I knew she was already gone. I just couldn’t bare the thought of my baby getting cold the motherly instinct had already settled in. X

[Cookie101]

Please don't think I'm being insensitive because it's not my intent, I have some unrelated issues at the moment which are making it difficult to be more empathetic.

What is more important to you? Is it conceiving a child or being a mother?

I've always found it strange that greater importance is placed on having a child instead of raising them. There are literally millions of unwanted children in the world. Why are they less important? It almost seems like the idea is that a woman is not a woman unless she pumps out children. But that's crap! Children need to be raised to be good people, they need love, support, patience. If you want to have a child, I honestly wish you well, but that doesn't make it impossible for you to be a mother. If someone has told you that you need to give birth in order to be counted amongst society, please let me know so I can pass you some choice Australian phrases that you can repeat back to them.

[Afrohair in reply to Cookie101]

not everyone wants to adopt and is it not right that a woman should experience carrying her own child? that experience is one you will never have adopting and it’s such a precious moment most women want to experience .we don’t know why there are so many unloved children in this world only people who left them behind can answer that but please don’t feel the need to force adoption onto people its only normal to want to carry your own child I no you meant no harm writing this comment and probably have gone through a lot yourself but it just feels like your trying to push something what’s not there if she wanted to adopt she would have wrote a post on adopting shes looking for advice of how to manage her depression when ttc it sends you into such a dark place and you begin to forget a lot of other things in your life .why shouldn’t she have a child with her husband she’s spending her life with ?

[Cookie101 in reply to Afrohair]

Pushing adoption? No. But I do feel that the option is regularly forgotten and it also hasn't been mentioned elsewhere that I have seen.

The majority of posts above share the frustrations of not being able to conceive, seeing other people who have successfully given birth and feeling inadequate as a result, and hopeful messages of 'don't worry, you will get there'.

All I've asked; and this is from my point of view as something that makes little sense to me; why it's necessary to conceive and carry a child in order to find happiness as a mother? I genuinely don't understand. My mother almost died giving birth to my brother and I and she continued to have many health issues afterwards. Some of my own health issues can be traced back to being born premature. I've also known many woman who found that pregnancy was not a good experience, certainly not a 'precious moment'.

There is always a risk giving birth. It's not all happiness and sunshine that people like to make it out to be and it doesn't answer the fundamental question of why conceiving a child is more important than watching them grow up? In your own post, you have stated 'is it not right that a woman should experience carrying her own child?' But why? What has that got to do with being a mother? Surely raising a child, giving them experience and knowledge and watching them turn into an adult, knowing that you have given them the future that they deserve, is the best thing about being a mother?

Often woman are led to believe that they have no hope if they can't physically give birth. This can cause tunnel vision; it's easy to forget that there is more than one road you can take. The goal is still the same.

You asked the question 'why shouldn't she have a child with her husband she's spending her life with?' Are you suggesting that adoption does not give you that gift? Carrying a child is not the only 'precious moment' that a woman has in her life and carries many risks that could cost her every other precious moment of her child's life.

Mockingbird4, as I stated above, please don't feel that I am against you having a child, it's not my place to tell you how to live your life. As ever, you can choose to read what I've written, or you can discard it. But it would be wrong of me to not offer the suggestion. It is denying an option that could potentially bring you hope. It's still very early days for you so you have an excellent chance of conceiving if you so wish, but even if it doesn't happen, that doesn't mean you will not become a mother.

[Afrohair in reply to Cookie101]

its Not that it’s forgotten I think it’s lovely that people adopt my own mother spent a lot of time in care and with adopted parents her sister then went on to adopt a little girl as she couldn’t have children and was told she couldn’t from the age of 12.my partner has took on my son who’s father abandoned him but it Dosent stop him wanting his own with me it all depends on peoples circumstances it’s not as easy as it used to be adopting.im one of those people who had terrible pregnancies but I will do it again I’m in no way anti adoption but the post is asking how to tackle her mood when ttc I’m sure her husband and her may consider it but they must go through this hurdle first a lot of people feel like failures if they don’t try and that’s what this is about no it Dosent make you less of a mother adopting but carrying a child is the start of you becoming a mother and you nurture that child from the moment you know it’s there you are already a mother and doing the right things as a mother eating healthy not consuming alcohol etc from that moment you are bringing a child up anyhoo enough said let’s support the lady

[Hidden in reply to Cookie101]

Actually, I’m one who stated that if natural methods end up not being successful, there are infertility treatments as well as adoption.

[Afrohair in reply to Hidden]

I probably missed that but as I said I have nothing against it its a lovely thing to do but I think the poster is upset about her current ttc journey and it’s best we just think of how to manage her mood and stress levels she Dosent seem to be thinking about adopting yet she is just getting her head around the current moment

[Hidden in reply to Afrohair]

I was responding to Cookie, lol, it’s ok. Cookie stated that nobody mentioned adoption up above. I was just making known to Cookie that I said something about it.

I’m on your side, I totally understand from where your coming. I wanted so much the chance to carry my own baby after my miscarriage, the yearning was HUGE.

That being said I do know that not all women are able to get pregnant but can still very much be a mom via other routes such as surrogacy and adoption.

[Afrohair in reply to Hidden]

Ok yes your totally right

[mockingbird4 in reply to Cookie101]

being a mother, honestly. if I cannot conceive, we will look into adoption. growing up, I always said “I want to adopt because there’s so many babies that don’t have mothers and I want to be that for them”, and I still have that same mindset. yes of course I want a baby of my own, I want to experience pregnancy and all of its glory. but I would also love to adopt as well. adoption seems like a difficult process, but it is definitely an option. my husband has always told me that even if I can’t get pregnant, we will adopt.

[Kkimm]

I cannot imagine the pain you are going through, you have my heart felt sympathy

Kim