Cutting ties

[icolor]

After a lifetime of the kind of subtle emotional abuse that basically leaves a person with NO self confidence, I have finally cut all communication with my mother. I feel weird now, almost happy but guilty about it. Does anyone have experience with this? Will it continue to get better?

[77Horse]

Hello Icolor

You have to do what is wright for you and of course cutting your Mother out your life will show some feelings . In time you will heal or maybe see things in a different way .

[Hidden]

I cut off my brother and sister twenty years ago. I stopped seeing my parents years ago too but then dad died and I felt terribly guilty so I see my mom every couple of years even though she's local.

I am less stressed but I do get very lonely with no family of my own. It has unfortunately gotten worse with age.

[fauxartist in reply to Hidden]

You know....my mother is now getting close to passing, and the one thing I found from those of us who had an abusive parent is....when they pass...we feel remorse...but it's not so much for them as it is for the childhood we should have had with them.

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

Yes. Exactly. I felt guilt that I never really knew my dad and I grew up with both parents. My mother made me keep the sexual abuse from my brother a secret, even from dad. So he never understood my pain and why I took some terrible turns in life and how miraculous it was that I survived and made something of myself. That's why I resent the hell out of my mother. 🤔 I'm sorry for your pain as well.

[fauxartist in reply to Hidden]

You’re a survivor, a warrior, and being made to keep secrets instead of making others take responsibility for their actions is an unfair and additional burden to put on you. You didn't deserve what was done to you by any of them. And you have every right to angry and resentful....now learning to channel that appropriately was the trick for me, and I did a lot of stumbling along the way on that learning experience....but it's okay...we do our best and that's good enough.

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you for your support.

[NeuronerdDoaty in reply to fauxartist]

Amen my friend!

[Sunshine425]

Sometimes boundries are needed. If someone is abusive then it is acceptable to walk away💔

Ive taken breaks from my mom through out my life. We always work it out. Ive learned about making boundries work with other family members too. Everyone needs peace and quiet... and some family members are too much!

Im sure this isnt easy because its your mom.. 💔😕 lots of mixed emotions when parents dont treat us with love & respect.

[Hidden]

Give yourself time.

What were the reasons for the break ?? Sometimes a break is a way forward. Families can be a stressful problem especially if they insult or other things. Possibly you may feel sad and low, although you may also feel liberated if family have been out of order. No-one needs to suffer distress especially if attitudes are invasive and upsetting. We may select our friends, however we have no say on who our family members are

BOB

[fauxartist in reply to Hidden]

Unless we walk in someone else's shoes who have been constantly abused by a family member....we cannot possibly know ....family or not....we don't have to be subjected to their cruelty and abuse...

If we were sexually, mentally, and physically abused by a parent of or family member, would we still have contact with them?....especially if they didn't acknowledge what they had done was wrong?...no.

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

There are many types of abuse that can come from the inside family walls. I had my own abuse from both my Mother and Father, it was not sexual abuse it was something nearly as bad. It went on from being ten years old through to my Mothers Death and beyond.

Sometimes I feel that I should have moved on in my late teens, the lack of respect was made worse as it was learned by my Siblings.

We need to be careful who we chose as family the next time around We need respect and understanding from anyone who has an interest in bringing up children.

BOB

[fauxartist in reply to Hidden]

I understand Bob,....I was treated as 'the help' by my mother, and she taught my younger brother and sister to treat me the same...even as adults the respect was never there.....even though they married into money, I earned my home and cars and successful business all on my own with no ones help, just me. But still I was looked down upon....but you know...I believe the higher up on our podium someone is....the farther they have to fall....and karma is a great cosmic equalizer.

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

Im sorry Faux 😔 💕

[fauxartist in reply to Hidden]

It's okay honey....sometimes my ghosts come back to haunt me, but I know they are only smoke....they will disappear soon...I am happier now, I have so much to be grateful for, I just have to remind myself when things get dark for me emotionally....

I hope your doing okay my friend, and have a happy holiday....have something nice, and stay warm and cozy....

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

With me the problem was they knew the people I worked with and tales were told from both sides. Eventually you feel it must be all down to me. It was all a horrible experience and I can understand how you must be feeling

My Siblings are now in their mid and late fifties and they are still fighting the battle instigated from when I was ten years old. I was stabbed to the chest with a pen and I still have the end of nib in my chest, From then on live was misery as I failed my eleven plus, my Mother then just felt I was a waist of time from there on

BOB

[fauxartist in reply to Hidden]

Bob.... you matter, the pain was unimaginable for you.. I do understand. And sadly, so many of us here understand. Why anyone would take the light out of a child’s eyes is an unforgivable thing to do....we never completely recover. But we can know in our hearts that we are good people, who had bad things happen to us. We deserve to be happy, we are lovable, and what happened to us was not our fault, we didn't deserve it, or cause it, and this was on them. As adults we take responsibility for our own actions and in-actions, but as kids…they were the adults.

Sadly we are left with trying to make sense of something that made no sense. We don’t have to feel guilty because we are angry with the adults who did this to us as kids. We are not alone with this here though....you do have others now that you can talk to....we are survivors, and we fight these battle's together now. No one can hurt us anymore unless we let them. The scars hurt, the sadness is real, but we can find a way, some days are better than others, but we can also have good days now.

[Dolphin14]

I've done it and it has made my life happier.

My mother used to always say " blood is thicker than water" ha! That must have been her way of telling us we had to stick around for the abuse.

I've cut the ties I needed to in order to live a better life for myself. I have no regrets.

I hope you are at peace. We should do what's best for our own mental health.

[fauxartist in reply to Dolphin14]

good for you Dolphin.... just because someone is a parent does not give them the right to treat us badly, nor do we owe them anything.

[Dolphin14 in reply to fauxartist]

100% agree.

[fauxartist in reply to Dolphin14]

You know....holidays are toughest for me....and toxic family was the reason why....they were not a happy time until my sister’s kids were born. I started to have some happiness, but that was still around my mother, so it was hit and miss. Now I can change that in my life...and so can others who didn't have happy holidays....but still they are a bit of a trigger....I just have to acknowledge that, and then I can put my coping mechanisms in place, and I get a bit better each year...

[Dolphin14 in reply to fauxartist]

I think the more we see it wasn't us, it was them, the better we feel.

Let's stick with the people that lift us up, not the ones that bring us down. Life is too short for that.

There is a saying I read about this, not sure if you've ever read it

If I cut you off, chances are you handed me the scissors.

Have a great day faux and a wonderful holiday. Merry Christmas to you and your family 🎅🏻🌲

[fauxartist in reply to Dolphin14]

That is so exactly right on....I'm saving that quote. And yes...we create our own loving family. In Hawaii....there is a saying.... 'Ohana'....it means extended family more or less, and it means not everyone we call family has to be blood related, just people we bring in close that we love and respect.

Happy holidays to you too my friend..

[Dolphin14 in reply to fauxartist]

Yes, most of the people I surround myself with now are Ohana.

Ohana are keepers. Scissors for the rest hahah

[fauxartist]

I too cut ties with two of my brothers and my mother over 12 years ago now....and I don't regret a day that I don't have to be subjected to my mother’s abuse. I grew up with it, and it destroyed me. I still have the scars no one else can see, but I feel them every single day. At least now you won't be subjected to any new ones.

I have many times been told by people who had a normalish mother, that I would regret it and that I should forgive her ....but the definition of insanity too is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Some parents, siblings, are just not healthy for us...when we are subjected to abuse, I don't care who they are....we don't deserve it and it's debilitating and toxic.

I once tried to talk to my mother in my 40's, hoping for some sort of redemption from her, some atonement, etc....and all I got was more of the same. Some people just don't have it in them to give, my mother is a sociopath according to my therapists over the years...they feel no remorse, guilt, or responsibility for their actions.

[Dolphin14 in reply to fauxartist]

It's so true faux. Some people will never understand what pain our roots caused us.

[icolor in reply to fauxartist]

I’ve also tried to talk to my mother about things, yeah it doesn’t work. The backhand compliments or straight up putting me down to make herself look better wears on me. For crying out loud I’m almost 50 and she can reduce me to tears in 10 seconds or less. Really too bad I’m not my brother, evidently he’s perfect. One good thing came from this though, I’m the polar opposite as a parent. My kids are loved equally and without conditions. And they KNOW it.

I’m here if you need to talk.

[fauxartist in reply to icolor]

Yeah I hear ya....my one brother and sister were the picture perfect children...good looking, married into money, were superficial and self centered...that she could relate too.... But you know...consider the source...and like you said...now you can be the person she is not. I am in my mid-sixties my friend....so I can tell you that those cuts and scars are deep...and some don't ever heal completely...so keep your heart safe, and stay out of harms way and let the healing begin. You will get better and learn how wonderful you really are....

[icolor]

My daughter, who is wise beyond her years, asked me if I would have my mother in my life if she wasn’t my mother. Emphatic no. She is usually the one who sees me crying after a phone conversation or having a panic attack when I get a text.. from my mother. Suffice to say I will never be the child she wants and so to try to save myself I knew I’d have to cut all ties. Thanks to everyone for replying, it really means a lot.

[fauxartist in reply to icolor]

You know what honey.....the reality is....you are everything a good parent would want in a child....it's your mothers loss, and sadly yours too for not having a parent that didn't see you for the wonderful little kid you were. How we were treated and are treated has nothing to do with anything we did wrong, it's not our fault, we didn't cause them to treat us that way, or something we didn't do right.... nothing we do will ever be good enough or enough for them... period.

Your making up for everything she didn't do by giving love to your children...that's how we heal. Do your best...and that's good enough. No one comes out of a life time of abuse unscathed....all we can do is not repeat.

[NeuronerdDoaty]

I’m doing it right now too. Slowly. My Pops just passed away less than a month ago and I’m leaving her to other family. She’s manipulative, passive-aggressive, and gets the gold medal for gaslighting. I’ve been gently pulling away for about a year but I’m going faster now. She and my daughter are great friends.

It takes strength and bravery so you do have self confidence in spite of her. I’m proud of you.

Btw, my oldest and I have a limited relationship. She’s a mini-me of my mother.

Set your boundaries and quietly keep them. That’s confidence.

Please don’t have guilt. When people want to be treated better they act better.

[fauxartist in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

It's strange how that is with family....two of my brothers are like my mother and one brother and my sister are like me....my sister went through a materialistic phase, but life happens and reality hits, it's humbling for those that are redeemable to get a healthy reality dose. I live with a passive aggressive half the week when they are here... and it's more insidious than someone who is actually up front about their deceit and BS. All the back handed dismissive crap...I avoid it like the plague....

[Booklover0219]

These are my thoughts on this... When you first cut ties with family there are a mix of emotions. It’s normal to feel relief and to also feel guilt. Over time you work through the guilt. The one thing that never does really go away though is the pain. That stays in your heart forever. I don’t think anyone ever really gets over not having a loving parent. But you do have peace and quiet in your life and you don’t have to keep undergoing relentless abuse. Setting boundaries may or may not work. Some people never stop pushing your boundaries and that leaves you no choice but to walk away.