Feel free to read and reply if you can relate

[jtrot]

I think the most frustrating thing for me about having a mental illness is there is no quick fix. There is not a certain formula you can follow and know it will work. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder type 2 and also generalized anxiety disorder. I was diagnosed this year after having having an extremely hard depressive episode last year around this time to having the best summer of my life. A sudden wave of sadness just rushed over me. I started to think I was going to fail at everything. I wanted to cry all of the time. I no longer cared about school, my friends, or my family. The foods and drinks I used to love weren’t as good as I always remembered them to be. My hobbies I enjoyed doing were no longer enjoyable. And i just felt empty all of the time. I couldn’t concentrate, i had extreme brain fog and I only felt comfort in my bed under my covers and even that comfort was merged with guilt and shame for feeling that way. I eventually found my way out of that hole I was in with the help of lexapro and staying with my grandma for a couple months. When i came back home I felt extremely good, ready to conquer everything thrown at me. My self esteem was at an all time high, I was excited about life again. I wanted to go go go. My thoughts were coming clearly again and I truly enjoyed myself. I did do some things that got me in trouble with my parents that I see were the “risky behaviors” that are often associated with bipolar disorder. But I recently have fell back into a depressive episode and while it has been a little easier after being diagnosed, It is still undeniably hard. I just don’t care anymore and nothing seems to matter. When your motivation and stride is taken away and your light is dimmed it’s hard finding a reason to get out of bed. It’s like i know everything around me hasn’t changed but it sure feels like my world is falling apart again. I feel like I’ve failed because I’m a junior in highschool and I got my license got a decent job and was doing fine in school but my mental illness just took over. It’s like I don’t want to be sad and depressed but my brain is telling me to. It’s scary going from two utterly different mindsets especially at 16. I just daydream about escaping this somehow and I do have suicidal thoughts but would never act on them. It’s just so challenging to live like this.

[AuraAethyr]

That sounds so confusing and difficult. I hope you find the proper combination of things that works for you so that you feel better.

[jtrot in reply to AuraAethyr]

Thank you.

[Spotty-ewe]

Although I don’t have bipolar I do suffer with anxiety and depression and often feel a failure. But it is a mindset and you’ll come out of it as I have. Although you can’t see it yourself you have a lot to live for. Your post shows you are very articulate and write well. Do you keep a journal? It might be theraputic to write how you feel, but also concentrate on some of the good things in your life and people who love you, like your grandma. Write a list of 3 things you are thankful for each day as well as things that have perhaps upset or exacerbated your feelings. Anyway, I think you could have a career in writing. I’m dyslexic but have managed to research some local history and have now, since retiring, published a booklet and have a full length book with a publisher right now. So it is never too late, and you are still very young. So Please don’t underestimate yourself and try to accept your feelings of sadness or failure as symptoms of your illness just as pain or nausea are symptoms of physical illness.

I’m praying for you 🙏🏻 and if I can help in any way please feel free to contact me. Keep strong. 🤗😘

[jtrot in reply to Spotty-ewe]

Wow thank you so much for your insight. Yes, I do keep a journal and I write in it quite often. I dream about having a career in writing but I always get caught up in not being able to keep a living to support myself. But congratulations on your book, that is so amazing! I’m going to start doing the lists you suggested. Thanks again for your prayers. You were very helpful.

[Spotty-ewe in reply to jtrot]

So glad you found my suggestions of help and thanks too for your kind words about my book. If I can be of any further help anytime, get in touch. In the meantime you are in my thoughts and prayers. 🙏🏻💕

[nicetry]

Hi jtrot. I was first diagnosed with depression & GAD when I was in high school. Scary and frustrating. I hope you’re able to get professional help — school counselor, therapist, etc — because that (the talking and meds) made a big diff for me. My parents never really got it, despite the fact that my mom was a physician lol.

[Kainan]

It seems like you're going through a tough time, especially when you feel like you have gone from one extreme to another in a rather short time frame. It's confusing and disorienting and I can definitely relate. I think self compassion is something we can all benefit from. Taking it easier. Being kinder to ourselves. Treating yourself the same as you would someone else. Taking some space to clear the mind. Like you said, we can be really driven and on the go, but we also need to take space and consistently practice self care so we can be at our best. Motivation is a short term solution; healthy habits are what excel in the long run

[nicetry in reply to Kainan]

You are so right! I think practicing self compassion is one of the hardest aspects of this disease — at least for me. I find it so much easier to be kind to others than to do the same for myself.