Walking on eggshells and landmines with disfunctional family

[No_Longer_Human]

My family is driving me crazy. I called grandma now when dad's outside so we don't talk about him and so grandma doesn't know he made the effort to come. But she asked how im going, i had to admit he's here, she mentioned talking to step-mother and even step-mother calling her. I don't want them to get close. And now im worried she might call step-mother to ask how is it without dad. I just tried to strengthen the bonds with grandma so i inherit something, i tried to dodge her calling when he's here, i thought she's lonely without grandpa but she outplayed me, she called uncle and step-mother. Im playing chess with this family. I need help. My nervous system is disregulated to the point it hurts and to the point i can't stop crying. I need help. I talk to a counsellor from the red cross but it's not enough. I need in person therapy with someone capable of crisises and trauma and disfunctional family. I fear if i made her call step-mother

[Alpakka123]

Hi sweetheart,You know you can't control what others do and don't do, right? You can only control what you do and don't do. I know it's hard. I really do. I thought for a long time that my abuser not forgiving me for something I did meant that I didn't deserve to be forgiven by anyone, not even God. As a matter of fact, I had a flashback just yesterday to her words that I'm damned and punished (yes, she actually said this; back up about 4 years ago and she hurt me, I fought back (what I refer to as my mistake), and she retaliated by really digging in and abusing me). A lot of my suffering these past years has been thinking I'm bad and not forgiven because she never forgave me. It did not matter who it was who told me otherwise (my pastor included). I was adamant that I didn't deserve to be forgiven by anyone or God. I needed my abuser to forgive me so that I could be forgiven.

I'm still learning (about 4 years later...🙄) that I cannot control whether she forgives me or not. I am getting better at believing that whether she does or not has absolutely no reflection on who I am as a person.. I can quit worrying because I am safe. I cannot control her and that's okay because her actions don't dictate who I am.

I'm not sure if this helps or not. The point is that we cannot control what someone else does or doesn't do. Once you let go of worrying about this, you will feel so much lighter.

[No_Longer_Human in reply to Alpakka123]

They just can mess my life. My parents. Ik im old, ik i can't control them but im helpless. And actually it should be vice versa - you forgiving your abuser, not her forgiving you. We can't change what they think of us. I suffer because my parents will never realise what they did to me. But as long as they don't take actions that would damage me, i will let them think with their stubborn heads. People burnt Joan of Arc as a witch and then made her a saint. People are forgetting what religion is about

[Alpakka123 in reply to No_Longer_Human]

"I suffer because my parents will never realise what they did to me". You cannot control whether this happens or not. What if they never realize this? Does that mean you will suffer for the rest of your life? Please, please, please don't wait for this to happen. You are giving your power away by doing this because you are letting them dictate whether you suffer or not. You are unfortunately waiting in vain. I'm so sorry to have to say that, but it's true. Don't wait for them. You cannot control what they do.

"i will let them think with their stubborn heads". Let them. That is their poragative. That is their right. You cannot control this.

I'm not quite sure how Joan of Arc fits into all of this. And then your last sentence is about something completely different from what we're talking about.

[No_Longer_Human in reply to Alpakka123]

I'm just sick of everyone defending their freedom to fk up my life and theirs. I try but my unconscious and my body will never proceed that. I will live in pain, every year getting worse

[Alpakka123 in reply to No_Longer_Human]

I know, sweetheart. I feel you. I really do The point I really want to get through to you is that you cannot wait for others to act. You have to do this yourself. I know it's hard. Have you approached your parents about this?

I think I understand you well, tbh. You want to be heard. You are screaming out, saying "pay attention to me! I was hurt and you did this!"

I told my friend the following in a meltdown on Wednesday: "she hurt me and you guys (the church) didn't do enough to protect me!" She responded to that by saying "what could we do?" After thinking about that some, I realized that she's unfortunately right. They did what they could. They talked to her, and that's all they could do. They did their part. Now, what she did with that talking to was unfortunately up to her (meaning that she was probably told to apologize, but, since no one can force anyone to do anything (including apologize), she didn't).

"I will live in pain, every year getting worse". This is your conscious choice . I know how hard this is because of what I went through, but it's the hard truth. We cannot wait for others to clean up their messes.

Big hugs,

Alpakka

[No_Longer_Human in reply to Alpakka123]

It hurts like hell when ppl say "he's terrible. Ur family is terrible". I can't do anything but slowly destroy myself or fastly destroy myself. I don't see other options

[Alpakka123 in reply to No_Longer_Human]

I know it hurts like Hell. I really do because of what I went through. You can't do anything about your family, though. What you can do something about is how you react. My abuser is trying to re-engage with me. I need her to stop. I've told others this, to which they've responded that it's my responsibility to tell her to stop. I've had the attitude of "you guys (the church) allowed this to happen, so it's your responsibility to make it right. It's your responsibility to keep this woman away from me". I'm learning that this is the wrong attitude to have. It's true that the abuse happened in the church, but did they allow it to happen? No, they didn't. They are actually very sorry that it happened. Are they responsible for making it right and making sure this woman stays away from me? No, they are not.

I don't know if this helps; I am hoping that I am somehow helping by sharing similar parts of my story with you. I'm sorry if it's triggering. I don't want to trigger you, so I won't share anymore if you don't want me to.

[JonW_Swan]

Im so sorry your going thru this

[No_Longer_Human in reply to JonW_Swan]

Thanks