Dealing with anxiety, depression and an over demanding Mother

[Roukaya]

Finding life hard at the moment, totally alone

My Mother overseas is all I have but demanding nature and blaming me when things go wrong make me unhappy

It is hard to cope alone

[HopeforJustice]

Hello,

It is your responsibility to be the captain of your ship. Nobody else can control you unless you allow it, especially if this person is not standing in the same room with you. It is not your mother's fault, it is your fault for allowing her to take up your time and energy. We can choose our friends but we don't always get the luxury of choosing our mother. As hard as it may be, sometimes we have to break-up with our family members who are toxic. My mother was emotionally abusive, she would place so much guilt onto me every time we were together. Because I also have no other family, I felt it was my duty to be the bigger person and make peace with her. Her issues are hers and I finally realized that no matter how kind I was to her, she would always look for ways to harm me. For example, while I was in a hospital bed recovering from surgery she slapped me in the face for no apparent reason in her jealous fit. Since I could not move my upper body, I used my feet to get her away from me. At my brother's funeral, she was jealous of my boyfriend and she tried to slip a note to him telling him personal things or something negative about me. When she was caught she threw hot coffee at me. This woman has caused me a lifetime of pain. These are a few of hundreds of examples.

We cannot control how others treat us, EXCEPT, we do control it by allowing them in our life. By removing them out of our lives, we are no longer under their thumb. You will feel pain, but go the grief as if they are no longer living. This is true for all abusive relationships. I'm speaking for adults, not children, we are responsible for allowing others to treat us badly. As for children who are victims, I wish I could protect all children who are harmed by adults. If you are a child in danger or neglect, call 911 if you are being abused, if without a phone. Run out give a note to the mailman, delivery guys, tell your mailperson to call the police, tell the grocery clerk in the store, tell someone anyone of your situation.

Circling back to your overseas mom, how do you feel when she blames you and why?

Hope

[TheDrivenSnow in reply to HopeforJustice]

Really pragmatic, powerful advice.

[Roukaya in reply to HopeforJustice]

I hope you are well

I have listened to what you have said

Thank you for answering in length about our Mother’s

To a certain extent it was my choice to look after her interests when we found out my Father was with a younger women

But she is a demanding and narcissistic Mother

I live in Uk and she is overseas

I lost my Father two years ago bud she has become the demanding child

She is the reason I did not return back overseas otherwise she would treat me like her servant

After all that I had done for her she had met a male friend

She knew how to put him first

When he made advances to me she took out all her rage on me snd she took him back

Only in Dec 18 when he became too controlling and abusive I stood up to him and he is out of her life

I realise she does take a lot of my energy and is very demanding

But I am away in a different country

I have done my best for her and as I am fifty unemployed and unmarried I am expected to be at her beck and call

If I say a word she will spill her rage onto me

Her feelings and needs always come firdy

It is Easter today and I see her for what she really is

A Narcissist Mother aged 72

She is very well mannered with hey friend but with me if I say something wrong her rage

There is nothing I can do but realise to try to pass my exams find a years work experience and eventually move out from this flat

I am fifty and I spent ten years looking after an elderly Father now he has gone I have to deal with an ungrateful and demanding Mother

It is just as well I am away from her

I may not be working but I have my own home snd I can manage

She is an emotional leech and as I am fifty I am tired of her constant demanding behaviour

I know her friends have used her and I cannot be responsible for her life

All I know is that I have to make a life of my own

Thank you for your honestly

But I have a fair idea how damaging and demanding my elderly Mother is

[Roukaya in reply to HopeforJustice]

Thank you for reply

I feel like a dog when she blames me

I know if she had her make friend she would be stronger and more cruel with her insults

I expect I now realise the neighbours music downstairs and my Mother are both demanding and selfish people

It is for me I draw the line

[HopeforJustice in reply to Roukaya]

Hello R,

I have a demanding mother and have not spoken to her in two years. I have gone years in between. We have so much in common, we are close in age and our mothers are the same age. I have tried to make peace with my mother, but she is impossible. Three years ago, I took her on an all expense paid vacation, I flew her first class to Hawaii and put her in a nice room, she made life miserable for me and my son and I sent her home. I could never please her, no matter how hard I tried. Some people, even if they are related to us are toxic and we need to let go. If you are unable to let her go, than you need to accept her and stop complaining about her. It is not her, it is your actions by allowing it. People will treat you are horribly as you allow them to treat you. She knows you will accept her abuse, therefore she gets away with it, right? Change your phone number, block her number for at least one year, maybe by not having communication, she will appreciate you and apologize.

You can block her emails, remove her from all your social media and permanently block her through your cell phone service provider.

Why are you allowing her to control you? Stop blaming her for blaming you. Take responsibility, stop talking to her and you will feel human again. I promise you, by letting her go, you will become healthier and happier. Nothing is worse than being someone's verbal punching bag. You have fifty good years left, take control of your life. When I moved out of my home when I was a teenager, I vowed to never speak to my mother again. Well I kept pretty true to that promise, until I had a child of my own, and she is no better as a grandmother than she was a mother. My son does not like how she treats me so he won't talk to her.

The sooner you accept responsibility for allowing her mistreatment of you, the sooner you will realize that you need to cut-off communication. By blaming her, she owns you and controls you. She controls your thoughts and actions. Why? I'm sorry to hear about your father, now that he is gone, there is no reason to communicate with her, right? Find a passion and set a lifelong goal. Once you have done something fabulous for yourself in a few years or longer than if you feel the need than reach out. The longer you go, the more you'll forget about calling her, trust me. I don't like talking to mean people who are cruel, nobody does.

What value does she bring into your life? Would your life be better if you did not communicate with her for five years?

This is your life, not a dress rehearsal, be your best self.

Hope.

[TheDrivenSnow in reply to HopeforJustice]

Hope, again you've got to the heart of the matter in a no-nonsense way.

Very constructive and inspiring.

[Roukaya in reply to TheDrivenSnow]

I hope you are well

Watching the Easter Message of the Pope

Quite Amazing to inspire and find hope and solace