Don't want to spiral anymore

[lovetodance2018]

I have been on a roller coaster the last 2 months. My depression dips into real lows of not wanting to live, and then I have moments of feeling good or even too excited. Unfortunately, this hasn't been my normal pattern with depression. In the past I would struggle, get on medication, see a counselor and then pull out of the depression. This time it is not the case. I am so worn out of trying to fight this and cycling. I know I am not alone, I try to say positive things to myself, believe in myself, know I will feel better. But I feel so lost and don't want to go on. In the depressed state, it is so hard to do the things we know will make us feel better. Including eating for me. I don't eat barely, I can't seem to have the desire to do that. I would love any encouragement those of you who struggle too can give me. I know prayer works, but right now I have a hard time believing that.

Thanks to anyone who writes back.

[Starrlight]

I can’t recall a time I felt okay. I feel for you. I bet you wonder if you’ll ever get out. I used to draw constantly creating how I felt and added words like ‘no way out’. I feel trapped in a world that makes things seem sinister and it’s all too much for me. Eternally exhausted in my mind.

I’m so sorry you feel lost and like you don’t want to go on. Maybe try to focus on something beautiful and breathe very slow and deep as you tell yourself you are worth it. It’s good you say you know you will feel better. And prayer yeah that is sooooo powerful in my belief. I hear you as I find it hard to believe in it right now. I recall believing with all my heart once.

Well keep writing keep expressing yourself do things that make you feel alive and free.

[lovetodance2018 in reply to Starrlight]

Thank you Starrlight for your encouraging words. I love seeing your posts. They are inspiring to me. I just talked with a friend who was very encouraging that this is my time to stop and just embrace God's love. To visualize Him loving me and to remind me that He loves me know matter what; even when I am struggling. I always thought I had to be busy, that if I am not doing something I am disappointing everyone. When I don't feel well, I can't be that person, I have to be OK with that and just take care of me. Please continue to keep in touch. I really need to keep up wit someone who understands the struggles of depression. I know we are here for one another. I really thought I had beat depression, but when I took my eyes off of God and focused on the stuff I had to do, or believed I was doing. I lost the fact that God loves me unconditionally. I would love to hear more about your faith. Thanks again... Hugs.

[Starrlight in reply to lovetodance2018]

I would love to stay in touch with you. Talking about spirituality and taking care of ourselves is important to me too. Hypercat made me think yeah kind of sounds like you could have bipolar. I have bipolar myself. What do you think?

[lovetodance2018 in reply to Starrlight]

I just recently moved, I haven’t been seeing a psychiatrist or counselor. Just been to the primary doctor who upped my dosage of anti-depressants. Will see from there if I should look into bi-polar. Thanks and love to continue praying and talking with you. How do you deal with your bipolar?

[Starrlight in reply to lovetodance2018]

I haven’t dealt very well. It’s hard for me to know when to push myself and when to rest but I’m learning to listen to my body better. It’s hard to be around people. I feel emotionally strange, everything bothers me and my OCD gives intrusive thoughts. I’ve been very depressed and very anxious. I feel guilt and ashamed of my lack of motivation and low self esteem.

I do exercise and I did deep breathing this morning. I created art yesterday. I give so much to my family. I try.

[lovetodance2018 in reply to Starrlight]

Today I spent the whole morning with God. I know He is all I need but now I need to get that in my heart. I watched Eric Gilmore in God Experience. Check Him out on YouTube. He is very encouraging. Hugs and looking forward to to chatting with you.

[Starrlight in reply to lovetodance2018]

Did you talk to Him, listen? Just curious how you spend your time with God. I’ll check out Eric Gilmore.

[lovetodance2018 in reply to Starrlight]

Mainly listened, seeked His face, and just rested in Him. I just focused on adoring Him and basking in His love. It really helped me experience His peace.

I sat in meditation as I listened to Eric Gilmore’s music after I listened to His talks.

[hypercat54]

I am wondering if this could be bi-polar? Have you looked into this? x

[pink318]

Hello,

I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles. I have a sister who was also diagnosed with depression. She refused to have professional counselling and medications because she believes that she would get better by her faith alone. We are a thousand miles apart but I’m thankful that I can talk to her regularly. I encourage her and we sometimes pray together. It’s a big help for her knowing that she is not alone. When we are going through a tough time, it’s important to be surrounded with positive people who would want to see us getting better. I’m glad that you have a friend who will be there to remind you about God’s love, a God who loves you no matter what.

Please stay in the forum and feel free to share your feelings. I hope you will get the help you need. Praying for you for peace and you will remain hopeful each day knowing that God will never leave you nor forsake you. He is faithful so keep believing. God bless, keep us posted.

[Hidden]

Sounds Like you are suffering from MDD ( Major Depressive Disorder) like me. I was diagnosed 50 years ago. It has no cure and anti-depressants just dumb me down, The only thing that helps me some is meditation and knowing that the creator loves me I also have 2 wonderful sons. 2 wonderful grand children and my wife of 45 yrs (48 together) who is absolutely awesome. Unfortunately She suffered a stroke 2 years ago and I lost half of her. That utterly destroyed me. Spent the better part of 18 months in hospital again between suicidal tendencies and being force fed to put on weight. Stopped eating completely, dropped from 180 lbs to 130 lbs in 3 months. I can only sympathize with you, MDD is brutal. Imagine a straight line . Most people spend the majority of their time above the line and when they are down they will sink a little lower but then bounce back. With MDD you are always below the line to whatever degree and the best you can hope for is is to stay near that center line. I've studied volumes on these types of issues and they are still no closer to understanding the root cause. Sounds like you may also be dealing with Bi-polar to some degree especially if you get manic episodes sometimes.

[lovetodance2018 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your input and being so open with me. I have found staying focused on my Heavenly Father and having my quiet time is keeping me centered. Sorry to hear about your wife. I will be praying that we both stay close to God Our cCreator and know He does not want us to suffer. He is the Great Physician and the Great Healer. I believe if I stay rooted in Him and in His Presence on a daily basis I will stay centered and hopefully not spiral again. Hugs to you and God Bless!

[LiveandLetLive42]

Getting into a routine is key! It keeps your mind busy. And it makes you feel good. When we don't have an everyday routine, we tend to spiral a little. And we feel lost. For me, I work part time now, so I do some morning errands, go to work and come home, make dinner and watch some TV. This routine helps keep me grounded and feel safe. We have to push ourselves a lot with this illness. And that is so hard! But, besides therapy and medications, we are the only ones who can do that. I hope this helped a little. All the best to you!

[Magic214]

I too, feel this way. I try so hard everyday and encourage myself constantly...but I feel like my insides are ripping to pieces. Lately, nothing feels like it works. Do you have anybody who you can talk to who understands? Who is sensitive to your feelings?

[lovetodance2018 in reply to Magic214]

I am recently spending more quality time with God. I find praying and reading His word very comforting.

Eric Gimour has a

great video series called Experiencing God.bit.ly/37FpLwQ

I found this very helpful and encouraging.

Will be praying for you. God Bless!

[Hidden]

Are you still on medication for depression ?

[lovetodance2018 in reply to Hidden]

Yes, I am still on medication. I have tried to go off a few times and did well for over a year but when I started to spiral again, I went back on medication and the second episode I increased the dosage. I am not sure if I will try going off again. I know I need to be on the higher dose for at least 3 months. So I am staying in prayer, trusting God, and believing I won't spiral again and if I do I am aware and prepared on how to deal with it. Thanks for caring and have a blessed week.

[Hidden]

medication for these type of afflictions are usually taken for life. Your whole system is probably messed up and fooling with Med's usually screws you up even worse. They usually take a while to really get the benefit and you don't stop taking them unless you want to spiral out of control again.You also require full time medical support. That's crucial.

[lovetodance2018 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your input. I have had depression for over 20 years. I did really well off the medication for 5 years. Then after the next depressive episode I went back on. I was under medical advisement at the time and still am. I appreciate your concern. Have a blessed day.