In the midst of an elisode

[amyrrt]

Like everyone says, no one understands. My wife is amazing, she tries to be really supportive but I can see how it weighs on her. This episode is bad, I went to our mental health hospital and they wouldn’t take me because I wasn’t an immediate threat to myself or others. I have suicidal thoughts constantly but I am pretty sure I won’t act on them, but I need help and outside of therapy and med changes I am just not getting it, hence why I came in here. I have also been dealing with depersonalization, which is really making things worse. I am 49 and in a job I hate, getting out of bed everyday is a battle. What do you do when you can’t change your circumstances (job) but you don’t want to go on?

[All_alone]

For me in regards to your last question. I just somehow keep going. One day at a time, sometimes 5 minutes at a time. It's hard.

[amyrrt in reply to All_alone]

But is that living? I have been in this depressed cycle for almost 2 years...I am tired, you know?

[All_alone in reply to amyrrt]

A very good question that I ask my self constantly. Most of the time any more my answer for me is that it's not living. Its been two years for me also and I'm very close to walking away but I wont because I wasn't raised like that. However, I am done with my situation and have decided I'm more important than my situation. I know this is not worth my health or me. I'm building on my plan to take my life back. I just hope I can make it because like you I'm tired. Too tired.

Do you have a good support system?

[Poodie in reply to All_alone]

If by “walking away” do you mean killing yourself ? If so I am glad you “weren’t raised like that” because whatever keeps you from offing yourself is good! You are more important then your situation. We all need to put our needs first, to love and take care of ourselves and our health. I am glad you have a plan to take your life back. You need to give that plan a chance to help. Good luck to you. Keep posting on your progress.

Poodie

[All_alone in reply to Poodie]

Hi Poodie, thank you for your replies. By walking away I'm referring to just loading up the dogs and driving away to somewhere else and a new life. What lead me to this situation (spouse) is truly not worth taking my life nor was it prior to the start of my current situation. But I will admit it does cross my thoughts at times - not doing it but would I be better off. I have an appt with a new therapist very soon and I'm hoping that will help me with rethinking things that I ruminate over. Like you said, WE ARE ALL more important than our situations which fuels this depression/anxiety. ❤❤

[Poodie in reply to amyrrt]

2 yrs is tough. Are you on meds? I can understand being tired of the battle. I get so tired of relapsing over and over again. I do not want to even take mine. It takes too much effort to swallow meds sometimes.

I am on here looking for support and sharing. How can I provide you with what you need ? Please keep us posted. Hang in there. I am going to try to at least get cleaned up tomorrow which will be a major accomplishment. Poodie

[All_alone in reply to Poodie]

I do take medication. I know what you mean by struggling to take meds at times. I actually downloaded an appt that reminds me to take rx's. That has been very useful.

[Hope1410]

Depersonalization is scary stuff. I’ve experienced it as well. Maybe you NEED to change jobs. That’s rough if you don’t like what you do

[amyrrt]

The depersonalization is scary...my therapist told me it is a coping mechanism but it doesn’t feel like coping. At times I will just look at a body part and know that it is mine but it doesn’t feel like it. They used to just come in waves and it was almost enjoyable, now it just stays and feels like I am watching some screwed up movie. The med changes I think are helping. I am weening off one of my meds and very worried, the doc extended the ween. Does anyone have experience with Remuron (sp?)