Decision making sucks...

[spedteach]

Well, I am leaving the teaching profession. I will be taking a job as an assistant. I am so mad inside that it got to the point. I really do not think that I am a bad teacher. I will get to keep my teacher's insurance and teacher's retirement. I have taught for 26 years and now I have to say good-bye to what has been most of my life. Mostly due to my stupid depression and anxiety. I know that I sound angry and that is because I am. \

[AnxiousGirl87]

I'm so sorry. I went to school for a few years to be a teacher but I never finished because of my anxiety and depression. I'd still love to do it but I can't the way I am now. It would be a disservice to everyone.

[BonnieSue in reply to AnxiousGirl87]

That's a mature decision. It's a good decision for now...but you can reverse it later, can't you? If you're feeling much better for quite a while, say, a few years, can't you finish qualifying to be a teacher and then teach?

[AnxiousGirl87 in reply to BonnieSue]

Yes I can and I plan to.

[BonnieSue in reply to AnxiousGirl87]

Good for you. I hope you have a long and enjoyable teaching career.

[spedteach in reply to BonnieSue]

My teaching career will be done in June. I will then assume the position of an aide.

[spedteach in reply to BonnieSue]

I do not think so. I think that I am OVER as a teacher.

[gogogirl in reply to BonnieSue]

I like that reply.

[gogogirl in reply to AnxiousGirl87]

What a brave decision. Do you know what is causing this depression? Teaching as we know is a place where you have to put on a brave face for the kids no matter what so this is a good decision, but if you are young - maybe you will change your mind. I hope that you have a good support system, and I am here as well.

[NFDK]

Hello, spedteach . I used to be a teacher and had to give it up because I was suffering reactive depression and anxiety caused by my ex-husband's abuse of me. It took me years to recover. If you want to chat, you know where I am Best wishes, Wendy

[spedteach in reply to NFDK]

Hi! Wendy:

I just always imagined me retiring from education like my mom did and my sister-in-laws will. I am disappointed in myself. Once again my depression/anxiety have caused problems for me.

[NFDK in reply to spedteach]

But look how many years you have had the strength to stay IN the job. My personal feeling is that you're being awfully hard on yourself. You say, "Once again.." but you didn't CHOOSE to suffer from anxiety or depression. These are just the thoughts of someone who used to beat herself up on a regular basis for not reaching her own impossibly high standards. Hope you will be able to treat yourself with kindness. Wendy x

[gogogirl in reply to spedteach]

You stayed in for a very long time. Very long. Also , you are going to be an aid in the Fall. Sounds like you have a nice support system- are you just being too hard on yourself?

[gogogirl in reply to spedteach]

If you are comfortable answering this please let me know. ( I hope I worded that right)! Well, I just wondered if this was your decision rather than the districts. Some years ago, ( like decades) I was offered a transfer after having a difficult time in teaching. It was a very tough time in my life- both of my parents were ill. Anyway, I can't go back in time, but I left the profession. In some ways ( especially financially) I do have regrets. That was a long long time ago. Anyway, is it possible to take a leave ( even being an aide if you want) and return to teaching when you feel better? If this is no longer a fit then that's another story.

[spedteach in reply to gogogirl]

Hi! I can answer the question. It was the school district for the most part in that they gave me the options. I did choose the hybrid option, because I didn't feel like I had any other viable options. Has teaching passed me by? Probably. Did I suck at it? NO, but I am not the best one anymore. The financial loss is a big hit. I am glad to correspond with someone that knows that.

[gogogirl in reply to spedteach]

I know about the financial loss especially as time goes by so fast. I am glad to meet up with someone who knows the feeling also. Here I go again on a roll. Remember, your decision now, does not have to last forever. Hopefully, you can keep the door open on both ends. And you do not have to give up your teaching license either. There is always tutoring as you know , and other schools. Can you teach a different subject other than Sped? As far as not being the "best" anymore- hey we all need help now and then. What is the "best?" I have to tell myself that as well. As long as you are doing the best, that is what counts. I met somebody years ago who took a break into the business world for a few years, then came back to teaching. Only you know what's right. Message me, ok?

[Ruthie2]

Hello Spedteach, I was a nurse for 46 years and had to retire due to illness; It was hard to do, but you know what?? After being away from it, I realized the profession had changed. I, also, have a degree in education. I hated it. I'm old enough to have witnessed the changes throughout the years, some good, but mostly stupid and insensitive changes affecting hard working employees. I always hated that saying, "Things happen for a reason." But guess what, a year from now, you'll look back and be glad you're done with education (for now). I have a feeling you won't miss it. I started a Pet-sitting business, I have gone back to taking guitar lessons, and my few friendships are meaningful. I'm more at peace. Yes, I still suffer from depression and anxiety and worry and the whole thing, but each day I try to just ENJOY something. I have 3 dogs I love and 3 parrots that drive me crazy, but they need love too. The education door may have closed, but you can open up another door and enjoy it even more. Thank God you have your benefits as many people have to leave a job with "squat." Search your soul real hard, and ask yourself, "What would I love to do, even if I have to volunteer for awhile?" I had a crappy upbringing, and I've been disillusioned by friendships that I thought I had. At the end of the day, it's only you and God (if you're a believer) to provide some peace and joy in your life.Help other people and try to get out of yourself (if you have that issue). I just started a LUCKY 7 PROGRAM with our local Animal Control and Adoption Center. It's a program where any cat or dog over 7 years old gets adopted for free. I have enjoyed fundraising for that cause as senior pets are now being adopted out like never before (after very thorough background checks on the adopter). Maybe you have a "cause" that you would like to support now that you have time. Teachers make the best volunteers, and whether you know it or not, your skills will follow you wherever you go "outside" of the classroom. Take this opportunity to soul search and do what YOU want to do. Be kind to yourself, and be patient. It's not easy and it take WORK!!! Day by day, and sometimes I break things down hour by hour. I'm telling you, things will fall into place. Just trust this ole lady!!! During this transition you are facing, perhaps you may want to get some counseling if you haven't done so already. Good luck. And you know where to find me on this sight!! Ruth

[spedteach in reply to Ruthie2]

Hi! Thanks Ruthie 2. I appreciate your feedback. Did you really work as a nurse for 46 years? AFter that much time I think I would retire. I have taught for 26 years. I have always seen my life as teaching. Apart of me. I cannot imagine my life without it. I will still be working with the kids, but I will be an aide. I have worked with many people who are aides and most of them are invaluable. I just have a personal problem with being an aide after being a teacher for so many years. It feels like a real demotion. The aides are so tight as a group and I am afraid that I will be left out of the group. Then I am afraid that I will not be accepted into the teacher group anymore and so i will be alone on an island. I was like this at the high school when I taught for years. I was so miserable. I feel grief for leaving teaching. Today I turned in the contract. I know that money isn't everything, but it is a $700 per two weeks loss. I do get to keep my health insurance which I am thankful for. I also get to keep my teacher retirement which I am also thankful for.

I realize that there are people that are in worse shape than me. I then feel guilty for feeling the way I do. So, many emotions.

[Ruthie2 in reply to spedteach]

Yes, I was a nurse for 46 years!!! I think it's great that you can be an aid. Hold your head up high, and strut your stuff!!! The kids will probably relate more to you now as you'll be less intimidating as their teacher!! Hopefully, you have far less pressure, less work, and you'll enjoy the kids and they'll really look up to you in ways that you would not expect. You won't be giving up teaching. As an aid, you will be teaching whether it's in an indirect fashion or not. When I was a nurse, I adored my aids or techs!!! They were my right arm. If you have decent teachers where you'll be working, they should be happy that you are a teacher, and have more to offer when you think about it. If your teachers don't accept you, then they aren't worth being around in general. I have a feeling that if you go in with a positive attitude, ask the teachers how you can assist them in your new role as an aid. Open the dialogue to them first, instead of trying to guess what they are thinking, if you know what i mean!! You don't know what door will open while being an aid. If you absolutely don't like it, then apply at a place that you would like to work otherwise; i.e. For instance, I know retired teachers who volunteer and some are paid to work at the library. They love it. They said they are teaching all the time with people coming up to them asking them all kinds of questions; how to use the computers, etc. If you love animals, start a Pet-sitting service, or if you have a special talent, then make a business out of it. What is your specialty. Perhaps a senior center will allow you to teach a few classes each month. Don't let yourself feel demoted! You are a teacher no matter where you end up or what job you end up with. If you can afford school, get a degree in something that you wanted to do all along (i.e, court reporter). There are lots of things out there to do. I have several senior friends of my who were demoted from their positions and placed in roles where they felt their skills were not be utilized, but you know, they got to like the "less pressure, responsibility, etc." Keep your head up high. You have nothing to be ashamed of. There are several times in my life that my life has literally been turned upside down. The emotional pain I felt was almost unbearable, but now I look back and I have those "Ah ha" moments. You'll see, but you have to go into your next journey as an aid with your spirits held high. Someone will notice you, and you'll perhaps be offered something else. Day by Day, and patience. Learn to forgive and move on. Don't let those talking voices in your head take over. Stop them with being grateful for what you have and you don't know what you'll come upon when you turn that one corner!! Hang in there, keep the faith, and hey, walk in there with your head high and let those kids feel your enthusiasm and safety they'll have in your presence. I'm sorry, I'm a bit wordy!!! have always been told that. Oh well. Ruth

[spedteach in reply to Ruthie2]

Thanks for the wordy response. lol You have many wise words, but I am just not at that place yet. I will continue to teach until June and then I will be "the aide". I am sorry, but this has a real negative connotation for me and I am not sure why. Over the years I have worked with many good aides. I just feel emoted and cannot get over that. I will be making 50% less. I blame my mental illness.

[Ruthie2 in reply to spedteach]

Hello Spedteach, wow, you really are doing a number on yourself!!! I'm telling you, you don't know what will develop down the road. I agree with gogogirl, stop beating yourself up. I'm sure we all have stories (I know I sure do) of jobs that did not turn out for one reason or another. I've been disappointed on more than one occasion re: my career, abandonment by my husband, the death of a husband, and yada yada yada.You are NOT your job. You are you with your own personality, your own looks, your own style, your own YOU. That is why God made us all different. Try to channel that energy into developing and doing things you enjoy. A job is just a job. Yeah, it's nice if you can LOVE what you do, but I bet if you asked 10 people if they really loved their jobs a big percentage of them would be indifferent towards their jobs. I can tell you since I'm a senior, that when I pass on, what I care about is how I was envisioned in my relationships with my few friends, my pets, family (as difficult as that can be sometimes). Yeah, I am a fantastic nurse, always was but that is NOT who I am. You may feel demoted, but you're NOT. If you could pick another job other than teaching, what would it be?? Maybe this is the time to totally switch gears and do something entirely different. I am a true believer in that things happen for a reason. Believe in yourself and if you believe in a higher power, believe! Life does have a way of throwing curves at times. Day by day is all we have. There are many people who have had to work in lesser capacities due to restructuring of businesses', etc. If I were you, I would take the opportunity to enjoy a job with less stress and do stuff that YOU want to do outside the "job." It's just a job. It's not who YOU ARE! Well, there I go again, rattling off. And, stop the blame game with "mental illness." Has it ever occurred to you that perhaps the job you were in was contributing to your feelings of depression and anxiety?? Have faith and believe and stop beating yourself up. Put that red stop sign up in front of your brain when you start to go down that negative path. Do you see a counselor, by chance?? Ruthie2

[gogogirl in reply to spedteach]

Maybe you are beating yourself up - and for what? For doing a good job. I would like to tell my story sometime. Let me know when you are ready. It sounds like you have nice family and friends in your life. Please stop comparing yourself to your mom and S in law. You are you, and you worked for special ed kids for all those years! Remember, you are not your career- you are a person. Perhaps being a nice group doing activities you enjoy while working at your new job and enjoying your semi retirement will ease some of those feelings . Many people with degrees cannot even get a job as an aid.

[spedteach in reply to gogogirl]

Yes, I know that you are right go go girl. Yet, I am not at a place that I can accept that.

[Ruthie2 in reply to gogogirl]

Hi gogogirl. I liked your comment. I bet we all could combine our stories and have a best seller. It's funny how many people have their self worth wrapped up just in their jobs. Big mistake. When you think about it, most managers won't think twice about kicking your A__ to the curb regardless how darn good you were at your job. As my mom used to say, don't look in the rearview mirror, just keep on going!

[horizonwatch in reply to Ruthie2]

So true -- this definitely happened to me too. I was in a job for 7 years -- I worked with celebrities, it was a job in show business doing marketing. I was MISERABLE because I was treated like crap -- worked to death and stressed out of my mind. I got very sick twice. Hardly any thanks or appreciation -- just criticism. I finally walked away 6 months ago. It was tough for me to walk away, though because everyone was always so impressed when I told them about my job -- i feared losing that as part of my identity. But I was so miserable -- I finally learned that my happiness is what matters, not impressing other people and having them think I'm so "cool" because of my stupid job!!! And the job didn't even pay well..... !!!

[NFDK in reply to Ruthie2]

Ruthie2 - wow! What amazing thoughts upon life in general. Your words form the basis of a positive, practical and happy outlook on life. I think that we can ALL benefit from taking your kind and helpful words to heart. Warm wishes, Wendy x

[Ruthie2 in reply to NFDK]

Thanks Wen! Believe me. I still have my down days after being critically ill in August. thank you for your nice words!!! Same goes to you, too girl!! Keep moving forward and don't look in that rearview mirror!!! That's all we can do, eh?? Yes, it's difficult!! Stay in touch. I get a lot from my patient's when I was working. I'm a psychiatric emergency room nurse and I've been going to therapy for years since my husband walked out on me in 2002 after 21 years of marriage and left me penniless. Just stopped therapy as I feel I have a better handle on things now, but not always easy that's for sure. You have to believe in yourself. that's why God made each of us different!! So life has a way of throwing curves. Gotta roll with the punches and continue to try everyday. It's a work in progress let me tell ya!! Ruth

[horizonwatch in reply to Ruthie2]

I just keep reading your comments Ruthie and they are just gold -- wow, your words are so very helpful and insightful. Since you were a psychiatric nurse, I wanted to mention that the master's degree I want to obtain is to be a counselor. I've always envisioned doing that and was always told my so many people that I have a gift for it. For some reason, I seem to have a pattern of sabotaging and devaluing my wants/needs. I'm finally identifying that that's the problem - so sick of doing that and realizing that God wants me to be happy and I deserve to be happy like everyone else does too <3 My past growing up made me feel worthless and like I don't deserve anything good. I'm asking God for help with indecision - perhaps the indecision is a result of the history of low self-worth as well

[horizonwatch in reply to Ruthie2]

Wow, your post was so amazing and inspirational to me, Ruthie. I'm in my early 40s, single, on the precipice of moving to a new state to be near the ocean and to start a master's degree program -- but grappling with my (usual) pattern of total indecision/spiral of inaction. Your post was so full of excellent wisdom.

[Ruthie2]

Spedteach, it's Ruth again. I wanted to address the anger issue. For years I had a terrible anger issue and it almost always got me in trouble. It was clearly learned behavior from my father. Do your best to search just what is making you angry?? Is the anger worth smothering out the good stuff that could be in your brain instead. I have had many unjust things happen to me that really Pi____d me off, but in time I realize "all was meant to be." The other thing I learned, was if I'm angry with someone or regarding some situation, I WAIT 24 HOURS, and address the issue with that person the next day or day after (when I have had time to address how I'll approach the subject." for instance, "Jane Doe, yesterday my feelings were hurt regarding the conversation we had yesterday. Perhaps, I misunderstood what was being said." If things heat up again, just say, "I'd like to continue this conversation when we are both less angry." I don't know if this is helpful, but hopefully it is. Anger and jealousy, I think, are 2 of the worse emotions one can have. Anyway, there I go again rattling off:))))) You can do this Spedteach. I know you can!!! Ruth

[spedteach in reply to Ruthie2]

I feel that the district set me up to get to this point. That is what is making me angry. I hate anger, because for me it lingers. If I go to bed angry then I wake up angry. I also learned my anger from my dad. I also have borderline personality disorder and so I am wired very emotional. I am very situational. I react strongly to a variety of situations. Also, anger turned inward is depression and I have felt that more lately.

[Ruthie2 in reply to spedteach]

When you go to bed, repeat over and over, "let go, let God." You have taken the first step, recognizing your anger. These habits did not develop overnight, and won't go away overnight. Be patient and just work on letting things go. Just try to take a vacation from reacting strongly to "situations." We often have unjust things happen to us. I, too, have felt set up in several ways. Forgive, and let it go. Let it go. You will see that everything will work out, but it often is not seen until later. patience is the key and it's hard! Ruth

[spedteach in reply to Ruthie2]

Hi! I am drowning from anger right now. I called my mom and she asked how I was. I said I was grouchy and she asked why I called then. She was right I could hold a good conversation down. I ended up ending the conversation and I am now in tears writing this. You are right in that it is good to say Let Go, Let God. I am a true believer and yet I find that difficult to do. I am not angry at God, but at my mental illness. I have had many disappointments with it over the years. In high school I was strange due to my mental illness. I didn't fit in. The same went for college. For a lot of people college are the best years of your life, but I was on survival mode through the whole thing. I even attempted suicide during that tumulutous time. I never met the right person to settle down with because I was always ugly and odd. I didn't get the degree I wanted, because of my mental health. I have struggled throughout my job through the years due to my mental health issues. Being mentally ill sucks big time and I am so angry about that again. I know that I should be able to look outside of this anger and think of others, but it is like I am wearing black glasses. I am sorry to put all of this on you as a reply. I am scared right now and feel like I might indeed end up in the hospital.

[gogogirl in reply to spedteach]

I do not know your life, but most likely even if you feel the district set you up that was not the total situation. I am sure they had a role in it- but sometimes that is the way it goes. Maybe your job was a great fit for a long time, but it's not for you now. Perhaps you can look forward to your new role with less preassure ( and no planning), and maybe you can even discover something new. Change can be hard especially when you get older. I hope you have people in your life ( family, old friends) who know the real you, and appreciate you just for being you not you the teacher. Now, YOU have to appreciate you( I am telling myself that also). You did nothing wrong- you are just changing positions after many years . Other teachers have done that also. You obviously really like working with the kids- and I will bet they respect you as well. Please let go of the anger towards yourself. If anyone deserves to be angry at herself it's me. I was scammed a long time ago, and it is very difficult to let it go., and yes I even asked about legal all the way back. My therapist says that I cannot go back in time and fix it. I know that , but it is very difficult . Somehow though, I set one foot in front of the other.

Today, I am older and hopefully wiser, and a lot more cynical. Did the scam make more me more anxious? Yes. Besides doing work, I also do some volunteering, .I also try to concentrate on the fact that I had a life before that happened, and I have a life now. Please do not let a diagnosis define you- perhaps that is what is happening also? Let' stay in touch- you are an inspiration.

[gogogirl]

I have done that. I know the pay is a long road down, but at least you are keeping your insurance and retirement, and also being with people you've known for a long time. Maybe in time you can look into other avenues to supplement. I hope you are not angry at yourself. I also hope that you have family and real friends who really support you. I hope to stay in touch with you if that is okay.

[spedteach]

Hi! to both Ruthie 2 and go go girl. Sorry for the earlier rant. I was being consumed by anger. I cried and then I laid down to pray. I ended up falling asleep and when I woke up I felt calmer. I do not think I am all through the anger, but better. On Wednesday I have off work to go to both my doctors. I hope I can receive some help. If I am honest with myself my job had been falling apart for about 3-4 years and this is the year that it came to a head. I want to know that the district is helping me and giving me a good deal. I need to learn to come to grips that being an aide is not a negative for me, but a relief from work.

[gogogirl in reply to spedteach]

I think that is a great way to look at this- a time for you to release some of the pent up frustrations so that you can move forward. That is very special that the district is helping you, and you are able to go to the doctors. When we have had a hard time in life, it is sometimes difficult to get past, as the times leave markers with us. Be patient with yourself, and please stop thinking of yourself as "ill" . I liked Ruthie's reply as well. I hope that your mom has been a support. Remember, you are not a failure, you sound like a very good person who is looking to find a better path. ( There I go again- I need to tell that to myself). It also sounds like you have good people in your life. I'll bet the district wants you to succeed or they would not be putting time into this- believe me. I'll bet you're also a good listener also or you would not have such a passion for working with the kids. We cannot help how we feel , and need to let it out. That's very important. I hope also that you have co workers and other friends who support you as well. It sounds like you have a lot to offer. I know work is important because that is what pays the bills- who knows- you mentioned the rec therapist possibility too. You obviously are smart or you wouldn't have gone to college and had a career this long. You also have a nice way of writing and expressing yourself.

I hope that I have a chance to tell you more about my story when you are ready- I am somewhat older than you- but hey what's in a number?

Don't worry about being grumpy. When we get up in our fifties and go through a change that can be very common.

Also, good for you to go to the doctors- that's being kind to yourself.

[Hidden]

Hello Spedteach.

Noticed it has been 19 days since the last communication between you and members of our community. Wondering how you're doing.

I had to morph from one career to another, and then went back to law school in my early forties....only to be hit by a truck a few years later and disabled from working. Yes I felt it was a Monty Python movie script. Took years of trying to go back to work before I accepted it. Still have bad dreams that I am back in law school or am practicing law ....unsuccessfully.(I actually was a decent,but over worked attorney who cared)

Although your income is much less as an aide, I am so glad you have your health insurance and retirement. The price of private plans is astronomical and Medicare is no picnic.

Let us know how things are going for you, ok?

[2stroke]

spedteach

Calm down madam,Calm down !!!

hoping that cheers you up a bit..dont let them get you down..