I don't know really what to do or what I can do anymore...

[Trappedandlost]

I'm hopefully moving out of state a year or so after a bad breakup/engagement. Friends tell me no matter where I go my problems will follow and I'm starting to believe more and more in that. For the first time in a year I'm actually excited about something but because of how the breakup went I'm just don't think I can ever escape it. I know I'm never going to forget the person and memories me and her made and that's hard enough but the fact that I just have so many questions and stuff left un answered (some I believe she might not even be able to answer). Starting to I guess scare me. I already pretty much swore off dating, but just scares me that Im never going to be able to get over the relationship or her so I'm never going to get over any of it,even just a little bit and it's just going to mess up my whole life even more going foward.

[Saltwater]

So sorry to hear about this. Breakups are hard. What many people don't realise is that love is like a drug, you rely on that person to be there, to pick you up and just make you feel good. When things change, you suffer withdrawal in a very similar way. You feel lost, depressed, anxious, upset and feel like you don't know who you are any more. You have moulded your life around this person and it can be very hard to separate yourself from your past.

The thing is, you don't need to. Your memories are your memories and your past is your past. You cannot change the good or the bad parts and that is why it is easier to accept it for what it is, however hard that may be.

There are ways to help you recover from this, but if you are stuck feeling like you will never move on, then you will never be able to, because you are holding on to the hurt as a way of holding on to her.

This is what you can do:

Get angry. Instead of dwelling on the positive things, all the things you are missing out on, remember what she did to you. Remember the lies and the deceit. Write down a list of all her negative qualities. When someone hurts you the way that she has, you tend to hurt badly and focus on all the good things that you had together because your heart seeks comfort in these things in order to make you feel better. You have to remind yourself that it was this same person that hurt you more than anyone else could and that you no longer wish to be tied emotionally to this person because they cannot be trusted. They do not deserve your suffering.

What you need to do is remember your relationship accurately....what about the times when you argued, when she upset you, even before the cheating, there must have been things you argued about, things that annoyed you about her. Take her down off that pedestal.

You can get over relationships a lot easier if you regain your self respect and self esteem by reminding yourself that this person cheated on you. How could they do that? Do they really deserve to be loved and cherished in your memory if they can lie and deceive like that? You gave her years of your life and she chose to throw that back in your face.

I'm not trying to ruin your memory of her, I'm just helping you to put things in perspective.

She cheated on you and she hurt you so she does not deserve your time or your pain.

Of course, you still have to address the pain, but do it with a clearer head. You are hurting because she cheated on you. That was her decision. Therefore, she does not deserve you or your love. Rebuild your self esteem by telling yourself that you deserve someone who loves you back, someone who you can trust. That person is in your future, not in your past. You do not need to cut dating out of your life, but there is no rush. You are not looking for a replacement. Date when you feel ready to but not until you are happy with yourself again. You don't need a woman in your life to make yourself whole but you do need to love yourself so remind yourself what a great person you are and that she is a fool to have let you go.

Remind yourself also, that if she cheated on you to be with this other person, then this other person also cannot trust her, since she cheated on you to be with him. It is highly likely that she will cheat on him too. She will likely end up alone again in the future and you will have moved on with your life.

Let go of the idea of closure. It doesn't work the way it does in the movies. You can ask her all the questions you want, but will she even answer honestly? Can you trust what she would tell you and what does it even matter? No amount of questions is going to give you closure. They will only give you more questions and more pain. Accept that she messed things up and that you can hold your head high. You were just not meant to be together and she made a choice to be with someone else. Realise that that is HER loss and that she decided she no longer wanted to be with you. That is all the closure that you need.

Allow yourself to be angry, to address it and move on.

If you are moving away to get a fresh start, then remember that there is no point doing this if you are going to still carry her around with you. She hurt you. Put her down and walk away. You need to stop thinking about her in a good way, and remember the way that it all ended.

Try and visit new places but don't cut off your old life or the things that you might have done together. You may have done things together but it is your past as well as hers, so don't move away thinking you are leaving her behind if she is still in your heart. All you will do then is cut yourself off from your friends who are likely to help you in this time of need.

You don't have to reinvent yourself in order to get over this, but you need to just let her become another part of your past.

The reason you are hurting is because you are in her past, but she is in your present. Stop telling yourself that you will never get over this and start looking forward to an exciting future. You have no idea what is around the corner for you. New and exciting opportunities, new people, new friends, new relationships.

Close a door on the past and open up the door to your future.

You deserve to be happy.

[hypercat54 in reply to Saltwater]

Fantastic reply x

[Saltwater in reply to hypercat54]

That's very sweet of you hypercat54. I hope today is a good day for you. ((hugs))

[hypercat54 in reply to Saltwater]

That was a great reply and I give credit where it's due. I'm only doing a couple of hours in a charity shop today as was out all day yesterday and am knackered.

Hope you are having a good day. Lots of hugs back. xx

[Saltwater in reply to hypercat54]

Giving makes us feel good inside but big hearts can empty out fast! Make sure to spend a little time on yourself too.

I am now going to see what I can rustle up in the kitchen. It's tummy time!

Food is about the only thing that doesn't hurt me...............except that time I got food poisoning......that hurt quite a bit!

[hypercat54 in reply to Saltwater]

Oh by giving I enrich myself and feel good. I need to spend less time on me and more on others. x

[Caseopia]

I did what you’re debating. I up and left to another state after a bad breakup/engagement and it’s true that we follow ourselves. I didn’t think I would get over the person but after some time I have. I’m actually going to start college and take a new direction in life. Moving out of state was a mistake for me. I still had me. I had to deal with my emotions, fears, etc. I started therapy again. Life is hard but I just hope it gets better. Just have to keep swimming....good luck to you.