Self destruction and my inevitable dimise

I am so so so good at being self destructive.It could be mentally or from drink or literally anything. It seems like I enjoy making things harder for myself. Unfortunatley I am now also missing my ex really bad with the cozy weather. I lost my phone and my credit card and someone spent $300 on the card. I woke up with my ear bleeding on satuday and with a muffled form of hearing in it. I don't know how it happened, but it is kind of scary. I don't think I really care about anything anymore. I just don't have drive or beleive that anything will be enjoyable or happy in the future, to which I bileve I am trying to just push myself over the edge by consuming drugs and alcohol. I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing really does matter that much I am starting to realize and I just wish I could get a bus ticket with my ex and start my whole life over. I am unhappy and really don't even know if I care enough to fix it anymore.

[Lazy_dog_lover]

I was a little like that in college, so I can empathize. It gets better, but you have to do the work to consciously make changes. You are worth the effort. Find a therapist to dig deeper into your motivation for self-endangerment. Is there shame? Is there something you have hidden inside? It is a tough time of year. We all hit that wall. Geography does not change things, though.